Let the tears flow...

October 28, 2009 my life changed forever. That is the day that my husband laid his hands on me violently for the very last time. I remember the day clearly. We were supposed to be leaving for the Fall Festival at our church. Tonight, he is taking the kids to the Fall Festival at that same church. It has been a year. Life looks so different now.

I sat down after the kids left to go with him tonight. I flipped through the channels and there was some channel that was playing christian music videos. I stopped and listened to a couple. Then a song by Nicole C. Mullens came on, One Touch. I almost flipped the channel, but I did not. I wish I was computer literate enough to know how to incorporate the Youtube versions of the song into this blog, but I am not. Instead, I will set the song up for you. I will say I could not find the music video version on Youtube yet. I did find versions of her singing the song. It is a beautiful song and of course, God knew, it was exactly what I needed today.

The video opens showing a street crowded with people, it gives us a snippet into their lives... and on each of their shirts or jacket is a word. The words range from  Forgotten, Rejected, Afraid, Unloved, Shame... to Addiction. It is a gamut of the issues that we face. As the song opens, she says...

Been ostracized for 12 years, I'm used to being alone. 

Spent everything I had, and now it's gone. 

I'm used to being put down, my issues tell it all. My only hope is anchored in this fall. 

If I could just touch the hem of his garment, I know I'd be made whole. 

If I could just press my way through this madness, his love would heal my soul

If only One touch. 

As I sat and listened to the song, at first I was just enjoying the message of the song. As she showed the snippets of video, one was a woman being abused by her husband. On her shirt were written the words SHAME. As I watched that woman walk through the street and then stop and reach up toward the sky... I began to cry. I am that woman. The rejection and fear and shame and brokenness, and alone-ness and all the rest of it... came bubbling up in my heart. I sit here in tears now... but, only because as the video continued the song says

 "and suddenly he turned around, and said, somebody has unleashed my power." 

I remember last year the confusion, the absolutely paralyzing fear. There is no way to describe the amount of fear, and yet knowing there is no other choice. You realize that this might be the one choice that completely does you in, and yet you know, this is the only choice left other than death. The whole fight or flight thing kicks in... You have to do this.

Over the last year, I have not failed. Through friends, family, the people that God surrounded me with kept me moving, and the very Heavenly Father that loves me. I am still surrounded. The danger is not over yet. But, I am each day getting stronger. I am less and less living in fear. More and more, I am ready for the next challenge. Yes, there are so many challenges... but, they are not as terrifying as they were. Each time that I make it through the next thing, I am getting one day closer to freedom.

Divorce does not provide freedom. It provides a measure of protection, but no freedom. My problems are not fixed by divorce, or even by what the law allows me. Where is the freedom? In His touch. My soul is healing. My heart is finding the freedom to speak out, to love, to feel, to cry, to question... but ultimately, my heart is getting stronger.

Why? Because, I reached out and touched the hem of his garment. He turned and looked at me. God looked down at me through His own tears, and He saw my sin, my pain, my weakness, and my need. Yet, He chose to press His way through my madness... and He chose to touch me. He is healing me. When no one else would touch me, when no one else would believe me... He said, I can make you whole. I can change you.

Today the tears flow. Tears of sorrow because I would have loved for our story to have a different ending. One that would have glorified God and His amazing ability to heal. But, my marriage is not what will be healed. Instead, I will focus on the God that has chosen to heal my heart. The God that has chosen to set me free from such immense pain and shame. Today tears of freedom flow... bittersweet tears, but, they are shed in freedom. I am no longer abused. I am no longer living in that shame. Today, I am becoming stronger. Today, my Father is touching me, His power is flowing in my life... and today I am a different person than I was. Yes, it has been painful and scary... but, I have not fallen apart. Today, I am stronger than I was a year ago. And, I am loved.

Life is the messy bits

My wildest dreams came true tonight... Yes, you heard me right... they came true. Tonight, while my boys wrestled upstairs, in fact two hours later, it still sounds like they might come through the ceiling any minute, despite repeated but ignored warnings to the contrary. While they did their best to dismantle my room, while watching football, my daughter and I had our first Girls Movie Night. My three year old snuggled up in the recliner, and I snuggled up in the other chair (have I mentioned that I am STILL making payments on my couch?) and we watched "Letters to Juliet" together. At one point she asked me why the lady was crying... did her mom or dad leave her... but that is a very different blog.

Anyway, as we watched this movie, that made me laugh and cry, there was a fabulous line that Vanessa Redgrave says... She says to her grandson, Charlie, "life is the messy bits." I fell in love with that line.

Life is the pain, the loss, the frustration, the fighting for what is worth fighting for... it is the mess.

This week I had to go to court again. I won. However, someone that understands more than I ever thought they would, figured it out. That person texted me this morning and said "It is bittersweet." Even though the Judge upheld what she had previously ordered... and even though she ordered. the person I faced in Court do the right thing... it was very bittersweet. I would give anything to not have to fight. I hate conflict. I hate broken relationships. It seems that they are all around me. I would so much rather get along, and just do the right thing for the sake of the children. But, this week, life was messy. I have been discouraged, I have been angry, I have been tired... I came close once again to giving up.

How does all of this work out biblically? Well, God said we would have trials and tribulation (trouble and mess). He promised that there would be difficulty, possibly persecution, and in some cases, even death... and yet, He promised to be with us in the midst of it all. Basically, "life is the messy bits, but I will help you with the clean up."

I had a conversation with my oldest son earlier this week... he said "Mom, the worst thing you can do right now is give up on your faith in God." I explained to him that I was not giving up on my faith, but I was talking to God about my anger and my disappointment. I told him, "It's the same as when I get angry with you, I am upset about what you did or did not do, I might even yell at you, but I NEVER, EVER stop loving you or give up on my relationship with you." God is like that. He can handle our honesty, our anger, our mess.

However, here is the amazing thing about the messy bits of life... without them we would not appreciate the beauty that we experience. As Claire, in the movie, realized... her love found was so much sweeter because of the love lost. The experience tonight with my daughter was so much sweeter because I had given up on ever having a daughter. And, her whole life has been so sweet because we all experienced the loss of her brother's life. The loss of my marriage and the husband that I wish I had married.... are real. But, one day, the sweetness of the right man, who loves me beyond measure will be that much sweeter. Let me just go out on a limb and tell you what else I have realized. The relationship I have with my Savior is made that much sweeter because I have had to wrestle through the fear, the pain, the desire to give up my beliefs. However, I have realized that He is true, He is real, He is here with me. He has not left me alone, He has not forgotten my children and I, and more than anything... HE SEES and HE CARES about the pain we are dealing with. Life is the messy bits.

So get out there, live out the dreams, face the despair, feel the loss, oh and don't forget to live the joy, the beauty, the love, and the gifts. It is so wonderful. Smile, feel the wind in your hair and realize you ARE LIVING. Thank God for the mess.

Worth Pursuing

I promised that I would explain the reason behind the name of this blog. I have not done so yet, so tonight I will take the time.

Early in my therapy my counselor encouraged me to begin to make a list of all the lies I had been told and had believed about myself. I started a list. Within an hour or so, I had come up with 50 lies that I had chosen to buy into about myself. There was one that I knew I had felt more than one person tell me. One weekend, my kids were visiting their father. I had some downtime, and was able to read my book, The Sacred Romance. In it there is a section in which John Eldredge discusses Arrows that we are wounded by that mainly come from the enemy of our souls. We were encouraged to journal about some of the Arrows that have wounded us in our past. So, I dutifully got out my journal, my pen, and sat there in silence and tried to think of the worst wounds. Almost immediately, that one lie came back to my mind. The lie, you ask? It was this...

YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT

I will share just a tiny portion of this part of my journal with you... This is from March, 2010. 

Arrows: 

1. You're not enough

2. You're not worth the effort or the sacrifice

3. I don't love you

4. You are not beautiful or captivating

5. I must take care of myself. 

These lies landed at the core of my soul. I have closed my heart to intimacy - I have allowed myself to become a sexual being with no strings attached (that is the only way to continue to have intimacy with the person that hurts you.) And yet, my heart had strings attached. I have not allowed myself to be beautiful on the inside - I have always kept a protective barrier. 

Yet on March, 13, 2010 I wrote these words... "My heart knows that I am made for noble and beautiful things. What are they?"

This was in early afternoon on a Saturday. I took the time to write out my thoughts a bit more, then I spent some time praying about this pain that I had bought into. Later that evening I was in a relaxed, soft place in my heart... just enjoying my day, my time alone and my time with God. I decided to sit down at my computer and check my emails. While there, as I often do, I put on my itunes and was going to shuffle my songs. As the consummate multitasker, I opened up my gmail, then I opened up my itunes. Looked at the emails, which ones look the most fun... open those first. Glance over at my itunes list, the genius bar thingy listed some songs that I might like based on music I had purchased. Start clicking on the emails I will automatically delete... realize that something on my Genius bar had caught my attention... look back. There it was. A song called "Worth Pursuing" by one of my favorite christian singers. Laura Rhinehart. I giggled a little, and then started to listen to the song, you know the 3 second blip that itunes gives you. Then I had to google the lyrics. Once again, God had spoken to my heart. I mean, like, in the way that only God can. The kind of speaking that is not loud, not earth shattering, but when you listen, you realize that He just completely rearranged your world and something inside you just shifted because you knew God had just touched it. I will post the lyrics for you. Let me just say, I am posting these without permission... hopefully God and Laura can forgive me. This song is written as if God were singing it to me directly. 

I saw you as a little girl and you were in this room, all alone

And you wanted to be found, but no one came to find you.

But this is your time now, this is your day

Cause that little girl inside of you is what makes my heart ache

You are my love, You're worth pursuing

You are my love, You're worth pursuing

I'm finding you right now, right now I am finding you.

 And I'm taking you by the hand and I'm leading you out - into a new place

And forever that place that kept you in, forever that place that held you in

forever that place, forever that place will be shut off

And you're not going to have fear anymore

You're not going to fear being alone anymore

You're not going to fear because it's being swallowed up in my love for you, in my passion for you

I'm so taken by you

And I'm going to restore all your years

I'm going to restore every tear

You will know my joy, You will know my smile

You will know my dance, cause I am going to show you off

I'm so proud of you, and it's time for you to know it

You're so beautiful to me, You're so beautiful to me

As I listened to this song, over and over (of course I bought it) I first laughed. It was absolutely delightful to get such a quick and strong message from my Father. But, just as suddenly, my laughter turned to tears. I realized that He had seen me, He had heard me. He had chosen to touch the deepest fear I had, the longest seated lie I had believed. For weeks, I listened to that song, just trying to absorb the message. 

This is something I am still trying to grapple with. I know, in my head, that I am worth loving, pursuing, that I am worth all of the beauty that God shows me, all of the grace, mercy, and gifts. Yet, my heart, still struggles not to believe the lie. I see it in practical ways. When I assume that every problem that comes up requires me to figure it out. I am choosing to believe that I can do it better than God. When I am hurting, and lonely, I tend to think it is because I am not lovable... and the truth is... I am loved. I am loved deeply, truly, by so many people. When I fall into the trap of not realizing that I am beautiful in my soul, I am choosing not to believe that I am worth seeing the beauty in me. 

My name is Beka, this is my journey. It will take time... it will take a lot of work, but, I will say this... I am finally worth it. And one day, I will know this in my heart as much as in my head. One day I will see that I am worth all the struggle, the fighting for healing... and one day, I will give my worthy heart to someone and I will see the worth inside of him. But, for today, I am worth it simply because I am made in the image of a heavenly creator. 

See me

This evening my son and I watched part of a movie that was on T.V. I do not remember the name of the movie, it was one of those teen movies... but, the premise was, the captain of the football team told girls whatever he thought they wanted to hear to get the girls to fall for him. So some of his past "loves" decide to make him suffer. There was a line in the movie where the girl that what"s-his-name ultimately fell for, is talking to her mom. Girl opens up to mom about her feelings... and says "I felt invisible for so long, I was willing to do anything for someone to see me, I changed who I really am." (If you know what movie I am quoting, please forgive me if I just butchered the whole thing).

How many times have you felt invisible? I have felt that way a lot (I wonder what I will be talking about in therapy tomorrow?) I felt that way through my marriage. With each act of abuse or word of degradation. When I managed to lose myself as a young mom. I have felt that way as a teenager. I was just not a pretty girl. I am so thankful that God has helped me "grow into my face" as one of my friends so lovingly put it. When I would watch other girls garner the attention from boys, peers, teachers... I felt invisible. It is a feeling that I am no stranger to at several stages in my life.

When do you feel invisible? How do you try to show that you exist? Is it your career? Your marriage? Your kids? Your volunteer activities? Your church involvement?

Do you allow yourself to be more sexual? Or do you try to hide your beauty because you wish you had been invisible but someone noticed you and hurt you? Do you act like you are tough and nothing bothers you? Or do you deny your feelings at all so that you don't make others feel uncomfortable? What part of the real you are you hiding? What ways do you act or behave that you know deep down are not really you... but you will do anything to have someone notice you and validate you?

I love Grey's Anatomy. I mean, I am one of those crazy follower types. There is a line from one of the earlier shows that I have never forgotten. Meredith looks at Derek as they are having a possible relationship-ending discussion. With complete vulnerability she looks at him and pleads... "See me - love me" She was pleading with him to not be invisible. She was pleading with him to look past the surface and see her soul, and find her beautiful and worth loving. It has not left my mind because it struck me so deeply. I feel like saying that sometimes. I wanted to say that to my husband. (I think I might have actually quoted it once in a discussion a year or so later). I want to say that even in certain situations now. Look at me, I am not just a statistic. I am not just a minority, I am not just a woman, or just a mom, or just a ______________ (you fill in the blank)

How do I combat this?  This is one of those issues that affects all of us. It affects our children. That is why it is important for me to examine this now. Besides my commitment to becoming a healthier person,  my kids need me to see them. They need to know that they are not invisible. Let's face it, how many times as a mom have your kids said "Mom, watch this." They are looking for the same validation and visibility that we as women and men are looking for. What do I need to come to grips with so that I can help my children realize they are noticed, and that they do not have to create an alternate persona just to be noticed by others. How do I let down my guards and my walls and my protections so that others can see the real me?

I don't have all the answers. I will be very honest about that part. I am still working through all of this in my mind. (Please see previous comment about tomorrow's therapy appointment).

Here is what I do know. I want people to know the real me. The only way someone can truly accept who I am, is if I have shown them who I really am. The real me... the quirky, the crazy, the funny, the deep, the thoughtful, the spiritual, all of the parts of me. I will continue to wonder if I am really accepted if I hide who I am. But, I also know this. God sees me. I am not invisible to Him. Honestly, this is something I have had to face over the last few months. I realized that there are so many moments in my life where I assumed that things were not going well, simply because God did not see me. But, that is not true. He created me just the way He wanted me to be. Yes, environment, genetics, and experiences shape us. But, the person that I am, the real me, that is who God made. He thinks I am beautiful. He sees my heart, my hurt, my hopes, my secrets, my shame, my lies, my truth, my dreams, my future. But, when He looks at me He does not see my brokenness. He sees that I am made perfect in Him, through what His son did on the cross for me. He allows the freedom, through that, for me to be exactly who He wants me to be.

Take a moment and answer some of the questions I have asked in this rather lengthy blog. I know I have been thinking about these things all evening. Yes, I still look at people to make me feel visible. Yes, I would love for a man to see me... love me. But, more than anything, I want to really, truly come to grips with the truth that God already sees me. I want to find the freedom from invisibility and be able to be me and be peaceful at the same time. I don't want to fear that I am not worth seeing, pursuing, loving. I want to be able to give love and acceptance to others out of the love and acceptance I have grasped.

My Passion

I do not routinely use this blog for my own personal soapbox, but I am going out on a limb today. I am going to be as blunt as I have ever been. So, strap on your seatbelts.... Here it comes. 

What are the acceptable limits for behavior between spouses and parents to children? What constitutes domestic violence? I absolutely promise I am not going to give you a full answer here... but I am going to do my best. 

Today I got a message from someone that told me her husband pulled his fist on their daughter. There is no way to describe what is happening in me right now. I will not even try. I will say, THAT IS NEVER, EVER ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. There is no excuse, there is no justification, there is no grace to be applied. It does not happen. 

People, I have a child that is quickly approaching the teen years. I have looked at that same child and asked him where my child has gone to. He looked right back at me and said "I CHANGED." He is right, he has changed. I have another pre-teen. He rolls his eyes and sighs like the world is coming to an end just because I asked him to empty the dishwasher. My children (including the 3 year old) routinely talk back to me. It drives me bananas. They can be rude at times, disrespectful, ungodly to the nth degree. They can be embarrassing. I get phone calls from teachers telling me about inappropriate comments, bad grades, the whole gamut. That is just not one of my favorite parts of parenting. They are a pain in the neck sometimes. They take every ounce of patience I have at times. They push me to every known limit I have sometimes. Somedays I tell them at the end of the day that the only reason we all survived that day is because I want grandchildren. THE TRUTH, that is borderline threatening and intimidating talk. We have all been there as parents. But, as bad as they can be there is NEVER EVER a reason for me to strike my child in anger. I am even going to go out on a limb here and say that slapping a child in the face IS ABUSE. When my children were babies I instituted a rule with their father, because I was afraid of his anger. I will say, for all the pain he caused me, he abided by this rule that I set. This is it, when it comes to discipline we have a set pattern. 

1. We do not discipline right away until we are calm and have given full explanation to the child. 

2.  Even if there is to be a spanking we tell the child how many strikes they will receive with the paddle. It is never more than 5. 

3. Each strike is given one at a time and with warning. The child has a chance to regroup between each strike. Now, I will say that the average is 2-3 strikes with the wooden spoon. I NEVER SPANK MY CHILDREN WITH MY HAND. For me, it is about letting my hands be instruments of love. 

4. There is an explanation of why the discipline is enforced at the beginning. At the end, there is instruction on how the behavior is expected to change. This is followed up by a conversation in which love is reassured. Comfort is given. Broken bridges are restored. AND IT ALL ENDS WITH A HUG.

I do not say this to say that every family needs to do it this way. But, this is the way that my family has been able to obey the line between discipline and not disciplining in anger. At the same time, a spanking is the absolute last resort. There are so many things I can do before that. I can give time outs to my three year old. I can take privileges away from my older children. They can flat out go to their rooms if necessary. But, there is never, ever an excuse for a parent to pull a fist, use an open hand to slap, or in any other way physically harm a child in anger. 

CONSEQUENTLY, there is never, ever a reason for a husband to hit his wife or use any form of physical harm. EVER. It just is not ever necessary. (And in the rare circumstance, for a wife to hit her husband). 

If your husband hits you, pulls a fist on you but stops short and then says "I could have but I didn't," IT IS ABUSE. If the stand over you and make you afraid, IT IS ABUSE. If they throw items at you, near you, wipe stuff off counters, or tear up any of your personal property, IT IS ABUSE. If your spouse or significant other slaps, hits, spits, bites, chokes, kicks, grabs, twists, trips, restrains or pulls any form of weapon on you, IT IS ABUSE. 

If you have faced or are facing this situation as the victim  what do you do? YOU TALK TO SOMEONE RIGHT NOW. Email me, talk to a friend or family member. Talk to your pastor. And if they brush you off or minimize your pain or fear, talk to someone else. 

If you are the parent or the abuser, TALK TO SOMEONE. You are losing control of yourself, and IT MUST STOP. You are the only one that can get the help you need to confront the anger, rage, and pain inside of you. There are people to help, and you do not have to stay stuck in that angry place. 

I will close with this.... What does real love look like? What does it mean to say "I love you" to your spouse, partner or significant other, mother, father, sister, brother or child? 

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 (New Living Translation) 

Now, for the person that reads this and has been hurt and only sees v. 7 and feels that they have some responsibility to live that verse out? That is wrong thinking. I did it, I fell for it, I believed it. But you have the right to demand that kind of love and you have the responsibility to give that kind of love.... from a distance if you have to. BUT, you never, ever have to be hurt in any physical way. GOD IS NOT ASKING THAT FROM YOU. That is not love. IT IS ABUSE. 

Still standing

Right now I am listening to a song called "Keep Breathing" by Kerrie Roberts. It is a good song. That is where this title of this blog popped in my head, I am pretty sure. :)

I am going to speak directly to the abused woman now. This blog might help others... but this is a specific message to the woman that is thinking about leaving. Are you wondering if it will be worth it? Do you think about how to face what life might look like if you leave? Are you afraid that you can't handle it? What is your biggest fear? Name it. Say it out loud.

Let me tell you the truth. It is going to be hard. Leaving is hard, surviving is hard, healing is hard. But, it is worth it. There are days that you will feel like you might drown under the strain. There will be days that you feel such unparalleled joy and life and passion that you want to cry from the beauty.

I am going through such a time right now. From moment to moment it seems that I am facing both extremes. My abuser is working really hard to make my life a living hell.... he did that all through our marriage. Each time he amped up the pressure I would eventually buckle. I knew that if I did not, there would be punishment that was not worth continuing to stand up to him. So, in my weakness, or in my giving up, or in my survival, I would eventually buckle. I would accept his point of view, give up my fight for what I wanted, needed or believed. This time though... this time I am not backing down. I had to have an emergency session with my therapist today. WHY? Because I am in unchartered territory and I don't know what to expect. The pressure has been pretty intense. But, each time he pushes, and expects me to give up, back down... lay down the fight, I am choosing not to. I have another court hearing in October. I do not want to have to deal with this, it is tiresome, annoying, anything but pleasurable. But I am not willing to lay down the fight. I am not fighting for myself. I am fighting because my kids need to know they are worth fighting for. They need to see that no one has to give up and let someone else call the shots. The financial pressure we have been facing in these last few months could have been avoided. That is what I found out yesterday. He has chosen to punish me financially. BUT, I will not let him get away with his bullying. We are worth it.

This is the other side of the coin. You are not alone. My friends, my family, my lawyer, my therapist, and my God are standing with me. My electricity did not get shut off because someone loved me and my children that much. My lawyer is going to bat for me because he sees the truth. My family and my friends keep me standing. They make me laugh when I want to cry. My therapist keeps me living in reality. She gives me the tools I need to continue to stand. And when, at the end of the day, I am alone... and I think that I am to weak, God is there with me. He whispers the truth.

So, when I said that there are the tough times and the good times... what did I mean?

I have a job I love. I am so proud of myself for making a goal, pursuing it, and doing a good job. I have people around me that make my life so amazing. I have children that keep me laughing (and cause a few gray hairs). These children are amazing in their capacity to live life. And, the coolest part... dreams that I have had for years, things I have wanted to accomplish, but it just never worked out... are almost falling into my lap now.

I have shared the story of losing my son. This week I received an email from my old bible study leader (she is not old, just we have moved on from that bible study... ) and she forwarded me some information that made her think of me... something she thought I might want to be involved in. It is a support group that is forming here in Gainesville to reach out to families that have lost babies... They are just starting, and they need volunteers. Guess what? I am going to get involved. I am so excited. I don't know right now how I will be involved, or what they need from me. I will know more tomorrow. This I do know, I understand that pain and that loss, I have a lot of compassion to give in this area, and now, it will be put to use.

So, if you are thinking about leaving your abusive situation. If you are wondering what life will look like when the dust settles? Well, I can't tell you that, the dust has not settled yet. But, I can tell you this. There are highs and lows, there is excitement and fear. There will be tears and laughter. But, it is always worth it. You might lose somethings. I lost material comfort. I lost "status." I lost some of the things that society tells us we need. However, I also lost degradation, violence, insecurity. I found freedom, life, laughter, love. I even found a messy house. (Not always). I found wisdom, my ability to breathe life in and out, my joy, my tears... I found my ability to feel. The secret dreams that I have had, that I did not tell anyone about, that even my husband never cared to know about, they are happening. So, face your fears, say it out loud, but speak out your dreams. List all of the secret things you want to do with your life, with your brain, with your heart or your hands. It is not to late. Your life is not over. You are not destined to live unfulfilled.

I am not years down the road, I do not know what our life will look like even a year from now. I do know one thing though. I am finally living with no regrets. And that my dear, is worth everything.

A New Day...

I went yesterday for my new hire physical at the hospital. To explain how excited I am is almost impossible to put into words. But, of course, I will try. ;)

When I met my abuser I was working in a hospital and in college. I worked full time, took a full time load of classes, and still managed to be involved in extra curricular classes. Don't ask me how, I don't remember. I must not have slept much. I was a good employee, I loved my job, my co workers, (for those of you who do not know me, I have a tendency to make really great friendships every where I go.) I was 20 hours short of graduating from college. I started dating the man I married. Somehow, slowly, things changed. I was still a good employee, but, he began to criticize my co workers, or question whether or not I was being faithful. One time he came to the hospital to see me, and happened to see a guy that he thought was flirting with me. He challenged him, and they almost got in a fight. The change happened so gradually, but I began to limit myself, I changed my behavior so that I could not possibly be perceived as flirting with anyone. I was less trusting of my friends, co-workers, roommates, etc. That is one thing that abusers do, they create a mentality of "it's us against them". We got married, moved to Florida, I never graduated. Yes, I was promised that I could finish, but, there was never money, or then we had children, or.... the list goes on.

I had jobs during our marriage. And yet, at each one, I was never able to fully enjoy myself. There was always a criticism of my faithfulness. So with each question of faithfulness I would become even more careful of my behavior around men. Then there was the criticism that I spent to much time focused on work, and was not meeting his needs. So, I redoubled my efforts to be more balanced in attending to his needs. I would challenge him at times and point out that he was not supportive, or that he was putting to much pressure on me. That got me nowhere. As the pressure mounted at home, my work suffered. I hate to admit this,  but, I did not give my best to my employers because the verbal and emotional abuse would intensify. I am ashamed now that I dishonored myself by not being able to be the employee I could have been. But, it is the truth and I am facing the truth. I ended up leaving every job when I could no longer take the pressure and he would tell me that I could stay home and just be a mom. Now, I love being a mom, I always wanted to be able to stay home with my children. That is my most important job. So, on the one hand, I am very thankful that I did have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom for the most part. Yet, I never felt comfortable with the control. I hated being dependent on him financially. I hated that I could not spend money unless it was at the grocery store without a tongue lashing. That is another part of the cycle of abuse. Make your victim dependent on you for finances, limit their relationships so that they depend on you for their relational needs, then criticize them for being to needy. It is a vicious cycle.

Fast forward to today... and my excitement. For 14 years I was told I had no ambition, I was lazy, that I was a sloth. However, I now realize that was just more of the lie. The truth is, I have a dream and a plan. I want to go to nursing school. I know I will love being a nurse and giving to other people. To be able to go to nursing school, I wanted to get a job at the hospital because they have scholarships that will help pay for nursing school. SO, I have worked, and prayed, and networked. With the help of my amazing friends, I have interviewed at hospitals near and far. But, I wanted to work at the hospital near me. I interviewed with one woman and she gave me great advice on being more forward about my intention to go to nursing school. My hairdresser talked to some of her clients and they said "just keep calling HR", so I did. My girlfriends said "call and talk to the manager of my department" so I did. And, through it all.... God opened doors and closed others. Now, I am going to start working at the hospital. My plan is happening. My dream is going to come true. I am not doing this alone, God is definitely going before me. For one position that they advertise at the hospital, they will have over 300 applicants. It is not easy to get a job there. I have been trying for years. But, God, in His infinite wisdom and timing, has allowed the right doors to open at the time when I needed them to.

Here is the part I am most excited about. I will get to give my best to my employer, my co workers, the people that I come into contact with. I have begun to realize the extent of the lies... and now I realize, I just have to be who I am. There is nothing wrong with me (well except for the fact that I am human, and that is exactly how I am supposed to be). I will still be able to be a mom to my children. I will work 12 hour shifts in the middle of the night. I will go to school during the day, I will still try and be available to my kids. Yes, the next couple of years are going to be tough, and exhausting. No one said it would be easy. But, I can do this. I am a hard worker, I am not afraid. I am thrilled beyond belief to be able to start back over. It is ironic that I am going to be back in the same environment where so much of my life got sidetracked. But, this time, I have learned valuable lessons, and I am still learning. This time, I will stay on track. This time, I will use the sense God gave me. And for the first time in 16 years, I will give my best to my employer when I am at work, I will give my best to my kids when I am at home. I will give my best to my classes when they start. It will take a lot of living in the moment, but I am pretty good at that. The truth is, I am thrilled beyond belief because my life is not over. My dreams that I had given up on, and stuffed way down deep, they are alive. The reality is, my biggest fear before leaving him was that I could not do this. But, the truth is... I AM DOING THIS. Real living, you know the kind of living that is messy, sweet, beautiful, disastrous, painful, difficult, full of joy... you know that kind of living... it feels great.