Worth Pursuing

I promised that I would explain the reason behind the name of this blog. I have not done so yet, so tonight I will take the time.

Early in my therapy my counselor encouraged me to begin to make a list of all the lies I had been told and had believed about myself. I started a list. Within an hour or so, I had come up with 50 lies that I had chosen to buy into about myself. There was one that I knew I had felt more than one person tell me. One weekend, my kids were visiting their father. I had some downtime, and was able to read my book, The Sacred Romance. In it there is a section in which John Eldredge discusses Arrows that we are wounded by that mainly come from the enemy of our souls. We were encouraged to journal about some of the Arrows that have wounded us in our past. So, I dutifully got out my journal, my pen, and sat there in silence and tried to think of the worst wounds. Almost immediately, that one lie came back to my mind. The lie, you ask? It was this...

YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT

I will share just a tiny portion of this part of my journal with you... This is from March, 2010. 

Arrows: 

1. You're not enough

2. You're not worth the effort or the sacrifice

3. I don't love you

4. You are not beautiful or captivating

5. I must take care of myself. 

These lies landed at the core of my soul. I have closed my heart to intimacy - I have allowed myself to become a sexual being with no strings attached (that is the only way to continue to have intimacy with the person that hurts you.) And yet, my heart had strings attached. I have not allowed myself to be beautiful on the inside - I have always kept a protective barrier. 

Yet on March, 13, 2010 I wrote these words... "My heart knows that I am made for noble and beautiful things. What are they?"

This was in early afternoon on a Saturday. I took the time to write out my thoughts a bit more, then I spent some time praying about this pain that I had bought into. Later that evening I was in a relaxed, soft place in my heart... just enjoying my day, my time alone and my time with God. I decided to sit down at my computer and check my emails. While there, as I often do, I put on my itunes and was going to shuffle my songs. As the consummate multitasker, I opened up my gmail, then I opened up my itunes. Looked at the emails, which ones look the most fun... open those first. Glance over at my itunes list, the genius bar thingy listed some songs that I might like based on music I had purchased. Start clicking on the emails I will automatically delete... realize that something on my Genius bar had caught my attention... look back. There it was. A song called "Worth Pursuing" by one of my favorite christian singers. Laura Rhinehart. I giggled a little, and then started to listen to the song, you know the 3 second blip that itunes gives you. Then I had to google the lyrics. Once again, God had spoken to my heart. I mean, like, in the way that only God can. The kind of speaking that is not loud, not earth shattering, but when you listen, you realize that He just completely rearranged your world and something inside you just shifted because you knew God had just touched it. I will post the lyrics for you. Let me just say, I am posting these without permission... hopefully God and Laura can forgive me. This song is written as if God were singing it to me directly. 

I saw you as a little girl and you were in this room, all alone

And you wanted to be found, but no one came to find you.

But this is your time now, this is your day

Cause that little girl inside of you is what makes my heart ache

You are my love, You're worth pursuing

You are my love, You're worth pursuing

I'm finding you right now, right now I am finding you.

 And I'm taking you by the hand and I'm leading you out - into a new place

And forever that place that kept you in, forever that place that held you in

forever that place, forever that place will be shut off

And you're not going to have fear anymore

You're not going to fear being alone anymore

You're not going to fear because it's being swallowed up in my love for you, in my passion for you

I'm so taken by you

And I'm going to restore all your years

I'm going to restore every tear

You will know my joy, You will know my smile

You will know my dance, cause I am going to show you off

I'm so proud of you, and it's time for you to know it

You're so beautiful to me, You're so beautiful to me

As I listened to this song, over and over (of course I bought it) I first laughed. It was absolutely delightful to get such a quick and strong message from my Father. But, just as suddenly, my laughter turned to tears. I realized that He had seen me, He had heard me. He had chosen to touch the deepest fear I had, the longest seated lie I had believed. For weeks, I listened to that song, just trying to absorb the message. 

This is something I am still trying to grapple with. I know, in my head, that I am worth loving, pursuing, that I am worth all of the beauty that God shows me, all of the grace, mercy, and gifts. Yet, my heart, still struggles not to believe the lie. I see it in practical ways. When I assume that every problem that comes up requires me to figure it out. I am choosing to believe that I can do it better than God. When I am hurting, and lonely, I tend to think it is because I am not lovable... and the truth is... I am loved. I am loved deeply, truly, by so many people. When I fall into the trap of not realizing that I am beautiful in my soul, I am choosing not to believe that I am worth seeing the beauty in me. 

My name is Beka, this is my journey. It will take time... it will take a lot of work, but, I will say this... I am finally worth it. And one day, I will know this in my heart as much as in my head. One day I will see that I am worth all the struggle, the fighting for healing... and one day, I will give my worthy heart to someone and I will see the worth inside of him. But, for today, I am worth it simply because I am made in the image of a heavenly creator. 

See me

This evening my son and I watched part of a movie that was on T.V. I do not remember the name of the movie, it was one of those teen movies... but, the premise was, the captain of the football team told girls whatever he thought they wanted to hear to get the girls to fall for him. So some of his past "loves" decide to make him suffer. There was a line in the movie where the girl that what"s-his-name ultimately fell for, is talking to her mom. Girl opens up to mom about her feelings... and says "I felt invisible for so long, I was willing to do anything for someone to see me, I changed who I really am." (If you know what movie I am quoting, please forgive me if I just butchered the whole thing).

How many times have you felt invisible? I have felt that way a lot (I wonder what I will be talking about in therapy tomorrow?) I felt that way through my marriage. With each act of abuse or word of degradation. When I managed to lose myself as a young mom. I have felt that way as a teenager. I was just not a pretty girl. I am so thankful that God has helped me "grow into my face" as one of my friends so lovingly put it. When I would watch other girls garner the attention from boys, peers, teachers... I felt invisible. It is a feeling that I am no stranger to at several stages in my life.

When do you feel invisible? How do you try to show that you exist? Is it your career? Your marriage? Your kids? Your volunteer activities? Your church involvement?

Do you allow yourself to be more sexual? Or do you try to hide your beauty because you wish you had been invisible but someone noticed you and hurt you? Do you act like you are tough and nothing bothers you? Or do you deny your feelings at all so that you don't make others feel uncomfortable? What part of the real you are you hiding? What ways do you act or behave that you know deep down are not really you... but you will do anything to have someone notice you and validate you?

I love Grey's Anatomy. I mean, I am one of those crazy follower types. There is a line from one of the earlier shows that I have never forgotten. Meredith looks at Derek as they are having a possible relationship-ending discussion. With complete vulnerability she looks at him and pleads... "See me - love me" She was pleading with him to not be invisible. She was pleading with him to look past the surface and see her soul, and find her beautiful and worth loving. It has not left my mind because it struck me so deeply. I feel like saying that sometimes. I wanted to say that to my husband. (I think I might have actually quoted it once in a discussion a year or so later). I want to say that even in certain situations now. Look at me, I am not just a statistic. I am not just a minority, I am not just a woman, or just a mom, or just a ______________ (you fill in the blank)

How do I combat this?  This is one of those issues that affects all of us. It affects our children. That is why it is important for me to examine this now. Besides my commitment to becoming a healthier person,  my kids need me to see them. They need to know that they are not invisible. Let's face it, how many times as a mom have your kids said "Mom, watch this." They are looking for the same validation and visibility that we as women and men are looking for. What do I need to come to grips with so that I can help my children realize they are noticed, and that they do not have to create an alternate persona just to be noticed by others. How do I let down my guards and my walls and my protections so that others can see the real me?

I don't have all the answers. I will be very honest about that part. I am still working through all of this in my mind. (Please see previous comment about tomorrow's therapy appointment).

Here is what I do know. I want people to know the real me. The only way someone can truly accept who I am, is if I have shown them who I really am. The real me... the quirky, the crazy, the funny, the deep, the thoughtful, the spiritual, all of the parts of me. I will continue to wonder if I am really accepted if I hide who I am. But, I also know this. God sees me. I am not invisible to Him. Honestly, this is something I have had to face over the last few months. I realized that there are so many moments in my life where I assumed that things were not going well, simply because God did not see me. But, that is not true. He created me just the way He wanted me to be. Yes, environment, genetics, and experiences shape us. But, the person that I am, the real me, that is who God made. He thinks I am beautiful. He sees my heart, my hurt, my hopes, my secrets, my shame, my lies, my truth, my dreams, my future. But, when He looks at me He does not see my brokenness. He sees that I am made perfect in Him, through what His son did on the cross for me. He allows the freedom, through that, for me to be exactly who He wants me to be.

Take a moment and answer some of the questions I have asked in this rather lengthy blog. I know I have been thinking about these things all evening. Yes, I still look at people to make me feel visible. Yes, I would love for a man to see me... love me. But, more than anything, I want to really, truly come to grips with the truth that God already sees me. I want to find the freedom from invisibility and be able to be me and be peaceful at the same time. I don't want to fear that I am not worth seeing, pursuing, loving. I want to be able to give love and acceptance to others out of the love and acceptance I have grasped.

My Passion

I do not routinely use this blog for my own personal soapbox, but I am going out on a limb today. I am going to be as blunt as I have ever been. So, strap on your seatbelts.... Here it comes. 

What are the acceptable limits for behavior between spouses and parents to children? What constitutes domestic violence? I absolutely promise I am not going to give you a full answer here... but I am going to do my best. 

Today I got a message from someone that told me her husband pulled his fist on their daughter. There is no way to describe what is happening in me right now. I will not even try. I will say, THAT IS NEVER, EVER ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. There is no excuse, there is no justification, there is no grace to be applied. It does not happen. 

People, I have a child that is quickly approaching the teen years. I have looked at that same child and asked him where my child has gone to. He looked right back at me and said "I CHANGED." He is right, he has changed. I have another pre-teen. He rolls his eyes and sighs like the world is coming to an end just because I asked him to empty the dishwasher. My children (including the 3 year old) routinely talk back to me. It drives me bananas. They can be rude at times, disrespectful, ungodly to the nth degree. They can be embarrassing. I get phone calls from teachers telling me about inappropriate comments, bad grades, the whole gamut. That is just not one of my favorite parts of parenting. They are a pain in the neck sometimes. They take every ounce of patience I have at times. They push me to every known limit I have sometimes. Somedays I tell them at the end of the day that the only reason we all survived that day is because I want grandchildren. THE TRUTH, that is borderline threatening and intimidating talk. We have all been there as parents. But, as bad as they can be there is NEVER EVER a reason for me to strike my child in anger. I am even going to go out on a limb here and say that slapping a child in the face IS ABUSE. When my children were babies I instituted a rule with their father, because I was afraid of his anger. I will say, for all the pain he caused me, he abided by this rule that I set. This is it, when it comes to discipline we have a set pattern. 

1. We do not discipline right away until we are calm and have given full explanation to the child. 

2.  Even if there is to be a spanking we tell the child how many strikes they will receive with the paddle. It is never more than 5. 

3. Each strike is given one at a time and with warning. The child has a chance to regroup between each strike. Now, I will say that the average is 2-3 strikes with the wooden spoon. I NEVER SPANK MY CHILDREN WITH MY HAND. For me, it is about letting my hands be instruments of love. 

4. There is an explanation of why the discipline is enforced at the beginning. At the end, there is instruction on how the behavior is expected to change. This is followed up by a conversation in which love is reassured. Comfort is given. Broken bridges are restored. AND IT ALL ENDS WITH A HUG.

I do not say this to say that every family needs to do it this way. But, this is the way that my family has been able to obey the line between discipline and not disciplining in anger. At the same time, a spanking is the absolute last resort. There are so many things I can do before that. I can give time outs to my three year old. I can take privileges away from my older children. They can flat out go to their rooms if necessary. But, there is never, ever an excuse for a parent to pull a fist, use an open hand to slap, or in any other way physically harm a child in anger. 

CONSEQUENTLY, there is never, ever a reason for a husband to hit his wife or use any form of physical harm. EVER. It just is not ever necessary. (And in the rare circumstance, for a wife to hit her husband). 

If your husband hits you, pulls a fist on you but stops short and then says "I could have but I didn't," IT IS ABUSE. If the stand over you and make you afraid, IT IS ABUSE. If they throw items at you, near you, wipe stuff off counters, or tear up any of your personal property, IT IS ABUSE. If your spouse or significant other slaps, hits, spits, bites, chokes, kicks, grabs, twists, trips, restrains or pulls any form of weapon on you, IT IS ABUSE. 

If you have faced or are facing this situation as the victim  what do you do? YOU TALK TO SOMEONE RIGHT NOW. Email me, talk to a friend or family member. Talk to your pastor. And if they brush you off or minimize your pain or fear, talk to someone else. 

If you are the parent or the abuser, TALK TO SOMEONE. You are losing control of yourself, and IT MUST STOP. You are the only one that can get the help you need to confront the anger, rage, and pain inside of you. There are people to help, and you do not have to stay stuck in that angry place. 

I will close with this.... What does real love look like? What does it mean to say "I love you" to your spouse, partner or significant other, mother, father, sister, brother or child? 

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 (New Living Translation) 

Now, for the person that reads this and has been hurt and only sees v. 7 and feels that they have some responsibility to live that verse out? That is wrong thinking. I did it, I fell for it, I believed it. But you have the right to demand that kind of love and you have the responsibility to give that kind of love.... from a distance if you have to. BUT, you never, ever have to be hurt in any physical way. GOD IS NOT ASKING THAT FROM YOU. That is not love. IT IS ABUSE. 

Still standing

Right now I am listening to a song called "Keep Breathing" by Kerrie Roberts. It is a good song. That is where this title of this blog popped in my head, I am pretty sure. :)

I am going to speak directly to the abused woman now. This blog might help others... but this is a specific message to the woman that is thinking about leaving. Are you wondering if it will be worth it? Do you think about how to face what life might look like if you leave? Are you afraid that you can't handle it? What is your biggest fear? Name it. Say it out loud.

Let me tell you the truth. It is going to be hard. Leaving is hard, surviving is hard, healing is hard. But, it is worth it. There are days that you will feel like you might drown under the strain. There will be days that you feel such unparalleled joy and life and passion that you want to cry from the beauty.

I am going through such a time right now. From moment to moment it seems that I am facing both extremes. My abuser is working really hard to make my life a living hell.... he did that all through our marriage. Each time he amped up the pressure I would eventually buckle. I knew that if I did not, there would be punishment that was not worth continuing to stand up to him. So, in my weakness, or in my giving up, or in my survival, I would eventually buckle. I would accept his point of view, give up my fight for what I wanted, needed or believed. This time though... this time I am not backing down. I had to have an emergency session with my therapist today. WHY? Because I am in unchartered territory and I don't know what to expect. The pressure has been pretty intense. But, each time he pushes, and expects me to give up, back down... lay down the fight, I am choosing not to. I have another court hearing in October. I do not want to have to deal with this, it is tiresome, annoying, anything but pleasurable. But I am not willing to lay down the fight. I am not fighting for myself. I am fighting because my kids need to know they are worth fighting for. They need to see that no one has to give up and let someone else call the shots. The financial pressure we have been facing in these last few months could have been avoided. That is what I found out yesterday. He has chosen to punish me financially. BUT, I will not let him get away with his bullying. We are worth it.

This is the other side of the coin. You are not alone. My friends, my family, my lawyer, my therapist, and my God are standing with me. My electricity did not get shut off because someone loved me and my children that much. My lawyer is going to bat for me because he sees the truth. My family and my friends keep me standing. They make me laugh when I want to cry. My therapist keeps me living in reality. She gives me the tools I need to continue to stand. And when, at the end of the day, I am alone... and I think that I am to weak, God is there with me. He whispers the truth.

So, when I said that there are the tough times and the good times... what did I mean?

I have a job I love. I am so proud of myself for making a goal, pursuing it, and doing a good job. I have people around me that make my life so amazing. I have children that keep me laughing (and cause a few gray hairs). These children are amazing in their capacity to live life. And, the coolest part... dreams that I have had for years, things I have wanted to accomplish, but it just never worked out... are almost falling into my lap now.

I have shared the story of losing my son. This week I received an email from my old bible study leader (she is not old, just we have moved on from that bible study... ) and she forwarded me some information that made her think of me... something she thought I might want to be involved in. It is a support group that is forming here in Gainesville to reach out to families that have lost babies... They are just starting, and they need volunteers. Guess what? I am going to get involved. I am so excited. I don't know right now how I will be involved, or what they need from me. I will know more tomorrow. This I do know, I understand that pain and that loss, I have a lot of compassion to give in this area, and now, it will be put to use.

So, if you are thinking about leaving your abusive situation. If you are wondering what life will look like when the dust settles? Well, I can't tell you that, the dust has not settled yet. But, I can tell you this. There are highs and lows, there is excitement and fear. There will be tears and laughter. But, it is always worth it. You might lose somethings. I lost material comfort. I lost "status." I lost some of the things that society tells us we need. However, I also lost degradation, violence, insecurity. I found freedom, life, laughter, love. I even found a messy house. (Not always). I found wisdom, my ability to breathe life in and out, my joy, my tears... I found my ability to feel. The secret dreams that I have had, that I did not tell anyone about, that even my husband never cared to know about, they are happening. So, face your fears, say it out loud, but speak out your dreams. List all of the secret things you want to do with your life, with your brain, with your heart or your hands. It is not to late. Your life is not over. You are not destined to live unfulfilled.

I am not years down the road, I do not know what our life will look like even a year from now. I do know one thing though. I am finally living with no regrets. And that my dear, is worth everything.

A New Day...

I went yesterday for my new hire physical at the hospital. To explain how excited I am is almost impossible to put into words. But, of course, I will try. ;)

When I met my abuser I was working in a hospital and in college. I worked full time, took a full time load of classes, and still managed to be involved in extra curricular classes. Don't ask me how, I don't remember. I must not have slept much. I was a good employee, I loved my job, my co workers, (for those of you who do not know me, I have a tendency to make really great friendships every where I go.) I was 20 hours short of graduating from college. I started dating the man I married. Somehow, slowly, things changed. I was still a good employee, but, he began to criticize my co workers, or question whether or not I was being faithful. One time he came to the hospital to see me, and happened to see a guy that he thought was flirting with me. He challenged him, and they almost got in a fight. The change happened so gradually, but I began to limit myself, I changed my behavior so that I could not possibly be perceived as flirting with anyone. I was less trusting of my friends, co-workers, roommates, etc. That is one thing that abusers do, they create a mentality of "it's us against them". We got married, moved to Florida, I never graduated. Yes, I was promised that I could finish, but, there was never money, or then we had children, or.... the list goes on.

I had jobs during our marriage. And yet, at each one, I was never able to fully enjoy myself. There was always a criticism of my faithfulness. So with each question of faithfulness I would become even more careful of my behavior around men. Then there was the criticism that I spent to much time focused on work, and was not meeting his needs. So, I redoubled my efforts to be more balanced in attending to his needs. I would challenge him at times and point out that he was not supportive, or that he was putting to much pressure on me. That got me nowhere. As the pressure mounted at home, my work suffered. I hate to admit this,  but, I did not give my best to my employers because the verbal and emotional abuse would intensify. I am ashamed now that I dishonored myself by not being able to be the employee I could have been. But, it is the truth and I am facing the truth. I ended up leaving every job when I could no longer take the pressure and he would tell me that I could stay home and just be a mom. Now, I love being a mom, I always wanted to be able to stay home with my children. That is my most important job. So, on the one hand, I am very thankful that I did have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom for the most part. Yet, I never felt comfortable with the control. I hated being dependent on him financially. I hated that I could not spend money unless it was at the grocery store without a tongue lashing. That is another part of the cycle of abuse. Make your victim dependent on you for finances, limit their relationships so that they depend on you for their relational needs, then criticize them for being to needy. It is a vicious cycle.

Fast forward to today... and my excitement. For 14 years I was told I had no ambition, I was lazy, that I was a sloth. However, I now realize that was just more of the lie. The truth is, I have a dream and a plan. I want to go to nursing school. I know I will love being a nurse and giving to other people. To be able to go to nursing school, I wanted to get a job at the hospital because they have scholarships that will help pay for nursing school. SO, I have worked, and prayed, and networked. With the help of my amazing friends, I have interviewed at hospitals near and far. But, I wanted to work at the hospital near me. I interviewed with one woman and she gave me great advice on being more forward about my intention to go to nursing school. My hairdresser talked to some of her clients and they said "just keep calling HR", so I did. My girlfriends said "call and talk to the manager of my department" so I did. And, through it all.... God opened doors and closed others. Now, I am going to start working at the hospital. My plan is happening. My dream is going to come true. I am not doing this alone, God is definitely going before me. For one position that they advertise at the hospital, they will have over 300 applicants. It is not easy to get a job there. I have been trying for years. But, God, in His infinite wisdom and timing, has allowed the right doors to open at the time when I needed them to.

Here is the part I am most excited about. I will get to give my best to my employer, my co workers, the people that I come into contact with. I have begun to realize the extent of the lies... and now I realize, I just have to be who I am. There is nothing wrong with me (well except for the fact that I am human, and that is exactly how I am supposed to be). I will still be able to be a mom to my children. I will work 12 hour shifts in the middle of the night. I will go to school during the day, I will still try and be available to my kids. Yes, the next couple of years are going to be tough, and exhausting. No one said it would be easy. But, I can do this. I am a hard worker, I am not afraid. I am thrilled beyond belief to be able to start back over. It is ironic that I am going to be back in the same environment where so much of my life got sidetracked. But, this time, I have learned valuable lessons, and I am still learning. This time, I will stay on track. This time, I will use the sense God gave me. And for the first time in 16 years, I will give my best to my employer when I am at work, I will give my best to my kids when I am at home. I will give my best to my classes when they start. It will take a lot of living in the moment, but I am pretty good at that. The truth is, I am thrilled beyond belief because my life is not over. My dreams that I had given up on, and stuffed way down deep, they are alive. The reality is, my biggest fear before leaving him was that I could not do this. But, the truth is... I AM DOING THIS. Real living, you know the kind of living that is messy, sweet, beautiful, disastrous, painful, difficult, full of joy... you know that kind of living... it feels great.

Journal entry 7/29/2010

I finally stopped this week to listen. I also stopped to face myself. I will pick up part of this journal entry half way through. Now, before you ask why I post something this personal... I will tell you. It is because this is what women are saying. This is what a woman with a broken heart is choosing to believe about herself. It is not just me. I share this so that any woman that is feeling this pain realizes YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Journal Entry

My heart cries out for love. My deepest desire is to be loved. To be accepted. I want a man that thinks I am beautiful, even early in the morning. I want someone to love me tenderly and strongly. Someone that thinks I am worth pursuing. Why do I not believe You, God, want that for me too? Why do I not believe that you can bring beautiful love into my life?

The truth is I don't want to face the pain. I don't want to feel the ache. I don't want to lean into the hurt until the healing comes. I want the healing to be instantaneous. I don't want to be alone or lonely. I don't want to hurt. Can't you make it stop Lord?

I want to keep moving. Keep letting my body, my smile, my face attract a man... anything to keep from feeling alone. That is what I have felt all my life. ALONE. From the time I was in the hospital...was it before that too?

There is a panic that sets in when I feel the aloneness. Fear, panic and the need to stay busy. The urge to fill every second, every quiet space. Ignore the quiet, run from the thoughts, don't face the fear, what if it never stops? What if I am alone? What if there is no one to love me, what if no one sees my value? What are your plans God? What am  I really worth? I don't think I'm worth much. I don't think You really truly, gently love me.

Speak to me God.

The truth is, You do love me this way. You think I am beautiful. Even when my eyes are swollen from crying, my nose is running, my skin is blotchy. You see my worth, even more than I do. You want to love me tenderly and gently and strongly. So, is it me I am running from? Is it You? Is it my lack of trust in You? You sing songs over me and you want to dance with me. You want me to be loved. You want my heart to soar and ache from the beauty of the love You bring. You want my tears to be tears of happiness as much as anything else. Love me Father.

Oh, the fun to be had...

Okay, not really. There is no fun to be had when recovering from a relationship like the one I left. Let me tell you what has happened this week.

Years ago I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder related to the abuse in my marriage. At that point, I suffered severe anxiety attacks, flashbacks, all kinds of yuck. To be honest, I never once considered that what I was dealing with was that severe. That is the weird thing that happens. When I was in it, experiencing it, the mental and emotional and verbal abuse have already taken their toll and I truly did not realize the severity of the abuse, in any of its forms. (I am now learning that this is common amongst other women in this situation as well) I found myself blaming myself (as he would blame me) for not having a better attitude, not being more submissive, more agreeable, more loving, a better housekeeper, ... you name it, I thought it. And each time that there was a really bad episode, I would rationalize it away in that manner, thereby avoiding facing the reality of what was happening. Anyway, over the years, medicine and therapy and Jesus helped me deal with the anxiety, the more distance I got from the episodes of violence, the less the flashbacks happened. A flashback is when you go back to that moment, and you are reliving it like it was happening to you all over again. You can see everything that happened, everything around you, as if it were happening right that second.

Over the years, as I stated, I have gotten a lot better. I still see that there are some things that will affect me. I am still hyper aware of my surroundings, and very tuned in to the moods, actions and reactions of people I am with. I notice every narrowing of the eye, almost imperceptible movement of the body, sighs, anything that could possibly indicate a change in mood or level of contentment that I would need to be aware of. I also have a real problem not freaking out beyond belief if someone walks up behind me and catches me off guard. My kids try their hardest to sneak up on me, they try so hard to scare me... what they don't realize is why it is almost impossible to scare me. It is because over the years I became conditioned to notice every detail, to anticipate any possible change that could warn me of something bad happening. Anyway, these are the little things I still notice that have an affect on me, even now.

Today I learned that there is something else I have experienced. I had my weekly therapy appointment. I was discussing something that happened this week that had affected me a great deal. Apparently I do not have quite the poker face I thought I did, because sometimes my therapist will say "What did you just feel?" Well, the answer to the question today was "FEAR." I don't mean the kind of fear that is a passing thought, or an anticipation of something bad. I mean the fear that makes your heart race, your body flush, and complete and utter breathlessness take over. As I talked about that, I told her that last week I had picked up a novel, it was supposed to be light reading for me, just to take my mind off all the other heavier books I have been working on as part of my recovery. There was absolutely nothing in the foreword, the jacket cover, any place to let me know that this book would in any way address domestic violence. BUT, it did. Boy howdy, did it ever. As I was reading, I was very interested, but I could feel my stress level rising just a bit. However, I thought, I can read this... it is okay. Then, as I got to one scene, it described so accurately not just the way an episode of physical violence might happen... but, they described the thoughts that went through the victim's head at that moment. As I was reading, I was transported back to that place. I felt those same feelings, I remembered having almost identical thoughts. As I was reading, I ended up having an anxiety attack. I have not had one of those in several months. I had to put the book down, get dressed and leave the house, take a break and the next day was able to come back and resume reading the book. Turns out, what I had was a "trigger." Not the same as a flashback. Instead of the added dimension of actually reliving the whole abuse episode,  a trigger just takes you back to the feelings, emotions, fear of that moment.

So, why am I telling you all this? Because, it happens. This is part of my recovery. I am learning to identify what is happening. It is a normal part of the healing process. It does not mean that I am losing my mind, that I am stuck in the past, that I am unwilling to forgive. It means that my body, my brain, my soul suffered a great deal of trauma. The healing of that trauma is going to take time, and there is going to be a process. I can't minimize what happened to me, I can't downplay what I felt. I don't have to get stuck there. Thank God. I can move on, I can take each memory, and one by one, submit them to my Savior, ask Him to help me move past that memory. It will not erase the memory, but, in time, it will lessen the pain and the impact.

One day, I am going to be completely whole in mind, body and spirit. I am going to be able to remember the episodes but, I will not be affected by them in they way that I am right now.

I will tell you a secret, one day, I really hope that my husband (you know, the wonderful man that is going to come along some day) can walk up behind me, and I will never hear him, because I will be lost in my own little world... and when he puts his arms around me, instead of panicking... I will simply relax in his arms. I will smile and know that I can trust him, that he would never mean to harm me. One day, God is going to give me that kind of healing. AND THAT WILL BE AMAZING.