Worth Pursuing

I promised that I would explain the reason behind the name of this blog. I have not done so yet, so tonight I will take the time.

Early in my therapy my counselor encouraged me to begin to make a list of all the lies I had been told and had believed about myself. I started a list. Within an hour or so, I had come up with 50 lies that I had chosen to buy into about myself. There was one that I knew I had felt more than one person tell me. One weekend, my kids were visiting their father. I had some downtime, and was able to read my book, The Sacred Romance. In it there is a section in which John Eldredge discusses Arrows that we are wounded by that mainly come from the enemy of our souls. We were encouraged to journal about some of the Arrows that have wounded us in our past. So, I dutifully got out my journal, my pen, and sat there in silence and tried to think of the worst wounds. Almost immediately, that one lie came back to my mind. The lie, you ask? It was this...

YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT

I will share just a tiny portion of this part of my journal with you... This is from March, 2010. 

Arrows: 

1. You're not enough

2. You're not worth the effort or the sacrifice

3. I don't love you

4. You are not beautiful or captivating

5. I must take care of myself. 

These lies landed at the core of my soul. I have closed my heart to intimacy - I have allowed myself to become a sexual being with no strings attached (that is the only way to continue to have intimacy with the person that hurts you.) And yet, my heart had strings attached. I have not allowed myself to be beautiful on the inside - I have always kept a protective barrier. 

Yet on March, 13, 2010 I wrote these words... "My heart knows that I am made for noble and beautiful things. What are they?"

This was in early afternoon on a Saturday. I took the time to write out my thoughts a bit more, then I spent some time praying about this pain that I had bought into. Later that evening I was in a relaxed, soft place in my heart... just enjoying my day, my time alone and my time with God. I decided to sit down at my computer and check my emails. While there, as I often do, I put on my itunes and was going to shuffle my songs. As the consummate multitasker, I opened up my gmail, then I opened up my itunes. Looked at the emails, which ones look the most fun... open those first. Glance over at my itunes list, the genius bar thingy listed some songs that I might like based on music I had purchased. Start clicking on the emails I will automatically delete... realize that something on my Genius bar had caught my attention... look back. There it was. A song called "Worth Pursuing" by one of my favorite christian singers. Laura Rhinehart. I giggled a little, and then started to listen to the song, you know the 3 second blip that itunes gives you. Then I had to google the lyrics. Once again, God had spoken to my heart. I mean, like, in the way that only God can. The kind of speaking that is not loud, not earth shattering, but when you listen, you realize that He just completely rearranged your world and something inside you just shifted because you knew God had just touched it. I will post the lyrics for you. Let me just say, I am posting these without permission... hopefully God and Laura can forgive me. This song is written as if God were singing it to me directly. 

I saw you as a little girl and you were in this room, all alone

And you wanted to be found, but no one came to find you.

But this is your time now, this is your day

Cause that little girl inside of you is what makes my heart ache

You are my love, You're worth pursuing

You are my love, You're worth pursuing

I'm finding you right now, right now I am finding you.

 And I'm taking you by the hand and I'm leading you out - into a new place

And forever that place that kept you in, forever that place that held you in

forever that place, forever that place will be shut off

And you're not going to have fear anymore

You're not going to fear being alone anymore

You're not going to fear because it's being swallowed up in my love for you, in my passion for you

I'm so taken by you

And I'm going to restore all your years

I'm going to restore every tear

You will know my joy, You will know my smile

You will know my dance, cause I am going to show you off

I'm so proud of you, and it's time for you to know it

You're so beautiful to me, You're so beautiful to me

As I listened to this song, over and over (of course I bought it) I first laughed. It was absolutely delightful to get such a quick and strong message from my Father. But, just as suddenly, my laughter turned to tears. I realized that He had seen me, He had heard me. He had chosen to touch the deepest fear I had, the longest seated lie I had believed. For weeks, I listened to that song, just trying to absorb the message. 

This is something I am still trying to grapple with. I know, in my head, that I am worth loving, pursuing, that I am worth all of the beauty that God shows me, all of the grace, mercy, and gifts. Yet, my heart, still struggles not to believe the lie. I see it in practical ways. When I assume that every problem that comes up requires me to figure it out. I am choosing to believe that I can do it better than God. When I am hurting, and lonely, I tend to think it is because I am not lovable... and the truth is... I am loved. I am loved deeply, truly, by so many people. When I fall into the trap of not realizing that I am beautiful in my soul, I am choosing not to believe that I am worth seeing the beauty in me. 

My name is Beka, this is my journey. It will take time... it will take a lot of work, but, I will say this... I am finally worth it. And one day, I will know this in my heart as much as in my head. One day I will see that I am worth all the struggle, the fighting for healing... and one day, I will give my worthy heart to someone and I will see the worth inside of him. But, for today, I am worth it simply because I am made in the image of a heavenly creator. 

See me

This evening my son and I watched part of a movie that was on T.V. I do not remember the name of the movie, it was one of those teen movies... but, the premise was, the captain of the football team told girls whatever he thought they wanted to hear to get the girls to fall for him. So some of his past "loves" decide to make him suffer. There was a line in the movie where the girl that what"s-his-name ultimately fell for, is talking to her mom. Girl opens up to mom about her feelings... and says "I felt invisible for so long, I was willing to do anything for someone to see me, I changed who I really am." (If you know what movie I am quoting, please forgive me if I just butchered the whole thing).

How many times have you felt invisible? I have felt that way a lot (I wonder what I will be talking about in therapy tomorrow?) I felt that way through my marriage. With each act of abuse or word of degradation. When I managed to lose myself as a young mom. I have felt that way as a teenager. I was just not a pretty girl. I am so thankful that God has helped me "grow into my face" as one of my friends so lovingly put it. When I would watch other girls garner the attention from boys, peers, teachers... I felt invisible. It is a feeling that I am no stranger to at several stages in my life.

When do you feel invisible? How do you try to show that you exist? Is it your career? Your marriage? Your kids? Your volunteer activities? Your church involvement?

Do you allow yourself to be more sexual? Or do you try to hide your beauty because you wish you had been invisible but someone noticed you and hurt you? Do you act like you are tough and nothing bothers you? Or do you deny your feelings at all so that you don't make others feel uncomfortable? What part of the real you are you hiding? What ways do you act or behave that you know deep down are not really you... but you will do anything to have someone notice you and validate you?

I love Grey's Anatomy. I mean, I am one of those crazy follower types. There is a line from one of the earlier shows that I have never forgotten. Meredith looks at Derek as they are having a possible relationship-ending discussion. With complete vulnerability she looks at him and pleads... "See me - love me" She was pleading with him to not be invisible. She was pleading with him to look past the surface and see her soul, and find her beautiful and worth loving. It has not left my mind because it struck me so deeply. I feel like saying that sometimes. I wanted to say that to my husband. (I think I might have actually quoted it once in a discussion a year or so later). I want to say that even in certain situations now. Look at me, I am not just a statistic. I am not just a minority, I am not just a woman, or just a mom, or just a ______________ (you fill in the blank)

How do I combat this?  This is one of those issues that affects all of us. It affects our children. That is why it is important for me to examine this now. Besides my commitment to becoming a healthier person,  my kids need me to see them. They need to know that they are not invisible. Let's face it, how many times as a mom have your kids said "Mom, watch this." They are looking for the same validation and visibility that we as women and men are looking for. What do I need to come to grips with so that I can help my children realize they are noticed, and that they do not have to create an alternate persona just to be noticed by others. How do I let down my guards and my walls and my protections so that others can see the real me?

I don't have all the answers. I will be very honest about that part. I am still working through all of this in my mind. (Please see previous comment about tomorrow's therapy appointment).

Here is what I do know. I want people to know the real me. The only way someone can truly accept who I am, is if I have shown them who I really am. The real me... the quirky, the crazy, the funny, the deep, the thoughtful, the spiritual, all of the parts of me. I will continue to wonder if I am really accepted if I hide who I am. But, I also know this. God sees me. I am not invisible to Him. Honestly, this is something I have had to face over the last few months. I realized that there are so many moments in my life where I assumed that things were not going well, simply because God did not see me. But, that is not true. He created me just the way He wanted me to be. Yes, environment, genetics, and experiences shape us. But, the person that I am, the real me, that is who God made. He thinks I am beautiful. He sees my heart, my hurt, my hopes, my secrets, my shame, my lies, my truth, my dreams, my future. But, when He looks at me He does not see my brokenness. He sees that I am made perfect in Him, through what His son did on the cross for me. He allows the freedom, through that, for me to be exactly who He wants me to be.

Take a moment and answer some of the questions I have asked in this rather lengthy blog. I know I have been thinking about these things all evening. Yes, I still look at people to make me feel visible. Yes, I would love for a man to see me... love me. But, more than anything, I want to really, truly come to grips with the truth that God already sees me. I want to find the freedom from invisibility and be able to be me and be peaceful at the same time. I don't want to fear that I am not worth seeing, pursuing, loving. I want to be able to give love and acceptance to others out of the love and acceptance I have grasped.