See me

This evening my son and I watched part of a movie that was on T.V. I do not remember the name of the movie, it was one of those teen movies... but, the premise was, the captain of the football team told girls whatever he thought they wanted to hear to get the girls to fall for him. So some of his past "loves" decide to make him suffer. There was a line in the movie where the girl that what"s-his-name ultimately fell for, is talking to her mom. Girl opens up to mom about her feelings... and says "I felt invisible for so long, I was willing to do anything for someone to see me, I changed who I really am." (If you know what movie I am quoting, please forgive me if I just butchered the whole thing).

How many times have you felt invisible? I have felt that way a lot (I wonder what I will be talking about in therapy tomorrow?) I felt that way through my marriage. With each act of abuse or word of degradation. When I managed to lose myself as a young mom. I have felt that way as a teenager. I was just not a pretty girl. I am so thankful that God has helped me "grow into my face" as one of my friends so lovingly put it. When I would watch other girls garner the attention from boys, peers, teachers... I felt invisible. It is a feeling that I am no stranger to at several stages in my life.

When do you feel invisible? How do you try to show that you exist? Is it your career? Your marriage? Your kids? Your volunteer activities? Your church involvement?

Do you allow yourself to be more sexual? Or do you try to hide your beauty because you wish you had been invisible but someone noticed you and hurt you? Do you act like you are tough and nothing bothers you? Or do you deny your feelings at all so that you don't make others feel uncomfortable? What part of the real you are you hiding? What ways do you act or behave that you know deep down are not really you... but you will do anything to have someone notice you and validate you?

I love Grey's Anatomy. I mean, I am one of those crazy follower types. There is a line from one of the earlier shows that I have never forgotten. Meredith looks at Derek as they are having a possible relationship-ending discussion. With complete vulnerability she looks at him and pleads... "See me - love me" She was pleading with him to not be invisible. She was pleading with him to look past the surface and see her soul, and find her beautiful and worth loving. It has not left my mind because it struck me so deeply. I feel like saying that sometimes. I wanted to say that to my husband. (I think I might have actually quoted it once in a discussion a year or so later). I want to say that even in certain situations now. Look at me, I am not just a statistic. I am not just a minority, I am not just a woman, or just a mom, or just a ______________ (you fill in the blank)

How do I combat this?  This is one of those issues that affects all of us. It affects our children. That is why it is important for me to examine this now. Besides my commitment to becoming a healthier person,  my kids need me to see them. They need to know that they are not invisible. Let's face it, how many times as a mom have your kids said "Mom, watch this." They are looking for the same validation and visibility that we as women and men are looking for. What do I need to come to grips with so that I can help my children realize they are noticed, and that they do not have to create an alternate persona just to be noticed by others. How do I let down my guards and my walls and my protections so that others can see the real me?

I don't have all the answers. I will be very honest about that part. I am still working through all of this in my mind. (Please see previous comment about tomorrow's therapy appointment).

Here is what I do know. I want people to know the real me. The only way someone can truly accept who I am, is if I have shown them who I really am. The real me... the quirky, the crazy, the funny, the deep, the thoughtful, the spiritual, all of the parts of me. I will continue to wonder if I am really accepted if I hide who I am. But, I also know this. God sees me. I am not invisible to Him. Honestly, this is something I have had to face over the last few months. I realized that there are so many moments in my life where I assumed that things were not going well, simply because God did not see me. But, that is not true. He created me just the way He wanted me to be. Yes, environment, genetics, and experiences shape us. But, the person that I am, the real me, that is who God made. He thinks I am beautiful. He sees my heart, my hurt, my hopes, my secrets, my shame, my lies, my truth, my dreams, my future. But, when He looks at me He does not see my brokenness. He sees that I am made perfect in Him, through what His son did on the cross for me. He allows the freedom, through that, for me to be exactly who He wants me to be.

Take a moment and answer some of the questions I have asked in this rather lengthy blog. I know I have been thinking about these things all evening. Yes, I still look at people to make me feel visible. Yes, I would love for a man to see me... love me. But, more than anything, I want to really, truly come to grips with the truth that God already sees me. I want to find the freedom from invisibility and be able to be me and be peaceful at the same time. I don't want to fear that I am not worth seeing, pursuing, loving. I want to be able to give love and acceptance to others out of the love and acceptance I have grasped.