My Passion

I do not routinely use this blog for my own personal soapbox, but I am going out on a limb today. I am going to be as blunt as I have ever been. So, strap on your seatbelts.... Here it comes. 

What are the acceptable limits for behavior between spouses and parents to children? What constitutes domestic violence? I absolutely promise I am not going to give you a full answer here... but I am going to do my best. 

Today I got a message from someone that told me her husband pulled his fist on their daughter. There is no way to describe what is happening in me right now. I will not even try. I will say, THAT IS NEVER, EVER ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. There is no excuse, there is no justification, there is no grace to be applied. It does not happen. 

People, I have a child that is quickly approaching the teen years. I have looked at that same child and asked him where my child has gone to. He looked right back at me and said "I CHANGED." He is right, he has changed. I have another pre-teen. He rolls his eyes and sighs like the world is coming to an end just because I asked him to empty the dishwasher. My children (including the 3 year old) routinely talk back to me. It drives me bananas. They can be rude at times, disrespectful, ungodly to the nth degree. They can be embarrassing. I get phone calls from teachers telling me about inappropriate comments, bad grades, the whole gamut. That is just not one of my favorite parts of parenting. They are a pain in the neck sometimes. They take every ounce of patience I have at times. They push me to every known limit I have sometimes. Somedays I tell them at the end of the day that the only reason we all survived that day is because I want grandchildren. THE TRUTH, that is borderline threatening and intimidating talk. We have all been there as parents. But, as bad as they can be there is NEVER EVER a reason for me to strike my child in anger. I am even going to go out on a limb here and say that slapping a child in the face IS ABUSE. When my children were babies I instituted a rule with their father, because I was afraid of his anger. I will say, for all the pain he caused me, he abided by this rule that I set. This is it, when it comes to discipline we have a set pattern. 

1. We do not discipline right away until we are calm and have given full explanation to the child. 

2.  Even if there is to be a spanking we tell the child how many strikes they will receive with the paddle. It is never more than 5. 

3. Each strike is given one at a time and with warning. The child has a chance to regroup between each strike. Now, I will say that the average is 2-3 strikes with the wooden spoon. I NEVER SPANK MY CHILDREN WITH MY HAND. For me, it is about letting my hands be instruments of love. 

4. There is an explanation of why the discipline is enforced at the beginning. At the end, there is instruction on how the behavior is expected to change. This is followed up by a conversation in which love is reassured. Comfort is given. Broken bridges are restored. AND IT ALL ENDS WITH A HUG.

I do not say this to say that every family needs to do it this way. But, this is the way that my family has been able to obey the line between discipline and not disciplining in anger. At the same time, a spanking is the absolute last resort. There are so many things I can do before that. I can give time outs to my three year old. I can take privileges away from my older children. They can flat out go to their rooms if necessary. But, there is never, ever an excuse for a parent to pull a fist, use an open hand to slap, or in any other way physically harm a child in anger. 

CONSEQUENTLY, there is never, ever a reason for a husband to hit his wife or use any form of physical harm. EVER. It just is not ever necessary. (And in the rare circumstance, for a wife to hit her husband). 

If your husband hits you, pulls a fist on you but stops short and then says "I could have but I didn't," IT IS ABUSE. If the stand over you and make you afraid, IT IS ABUSE. If they throw items at you, near you, wipe stuff off counters, or tear up any of your personal property, IT IS ABUSE. If your spouse or significant other slaps, hits, spits, bites, chokes, kicks, grabs, twists, trips, restrains or pulls any form of weapon on you, IT IS ABUSE. 

If you have faced or are facing this situation as the victim  what do you do? YOU TALK TO SOMEONE RIGHT NOW. Email me, talk to a friend or family member. Talk to your pastor. And if they brush you off or minimize your pain or fear, talk to someone else. 

If you are the parent or the abuser, TALK TO SOMEONE. You are losing control of yourself, and IT MUST STOP. You are the only one that can get the help you need to confront the anger, rage, and pain inside of you. There are people to help, and you do not have to stay stuck in that angry place. 

I will close with this.... What does real love look like? What does it mean to say "I love you" to your spouse, partner or significant other, mother, father, sister, brother or child? 

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 (New Living Translation) 

Now, for the person that reads this and has been hurt and only sees v. 7 and feels that they have some responsibility to live that verse out? That is wrong thinking. I did it, I fell for it, I believed it. But you have the right to demand that kind of love and you have the responsibility to give that kind of love.... from a distance if you have to. BUT, you never, ever have to be hurt in any physical way. GOD IS NOT ASKING THAT FROM YOU. That is not love. IT IS ABUSE.