Still standing

Right now I am listening to a song called "Keep Breathing" by Kerrie Roberts. It is a good song. That is where this title of this blog popped in my head, I am pretty sure. :)

I am going to speak directly to the abused woman now. This blog might help others... but this is a specific message to the woman that is thinking about leaving. Are you wondering if it will be worth it? Do you think about how to face what life might look like if you leave? Are you afraid that you can't handle it? What is your biggest fear? Name it. Say it out loud.

Let me tell you the truth. It is going to be hard. Leaving is hard, surviving is hard, healing is hard. But, it is worth it. There are days that you will feel like you might drown under the strain. There will be days that you feel such unparalleled joy and life and passion that you want to cry from the beauty.

I am going through such a time right now. From moment to moment it seems that I am facing both extremes. My abuser is working really hard to make my life a living hell.... he did that all through our marriage. Each time he amped up the pressure I would eventually buckle. I knew that if I did not, there would be punishment that was not worth continuing to stand up to him. So, in my weakness, or in my giving up, or in my survival, I would eventually buckle. I would accept his point of view, give up my fight for what I wanted, needed or believed. This time though... this time I am not backing down. I had to have an emergency session with my therapist today. WHY? Because I am in unchartered territory and I don't know what to expect. The pressure has been pretty intense. But, each time he pushes, and expects me to give up, back down... lay down the fight, I am choosing not to. I have another court hearing in October. I do not want to have to deal with this, it is tiresome, annoying, anything but pleasurable. But I am not willing to lay down the fight. I am not fighting for myself. I am fighting because my kids need to know they are worth fighting for. They need to see that no one has to give up and let someone else call the shots. The financial pressure we have been facing in these last few months could have been avoided. That is what I found out yesterday. He has chosen to punish me financially. BUT, I will not let him get away with his bullying. We are worth it.

This is the other side of the coin. You are not alone. My friends, my family, my lawyer, my therapist, and my God are standing with me. My electricity did not get shut off because someone loved me and my children that much. My lawyer is going to bat for me because he sees the truth. My family and my friends keep me standing. They make me laugh when I want to cry. My therapist keeps me living in reality. She gives me the tools I need to continue to stand. And when, at the end of the day, I am alone... and I think that I am to weak, God is there with me. He whispers the truth.

So, when I said that there are the tough times and the good times... what did I mean?

I have a job I love. I am so proud of myself for making a goal, pursuing it, and doing a good job. I have people around me that make my life so amazing. I have children that keep me laughing (and cause a few gray hairs). These children are amazing in their capacity to live life. And, the coolest part... dreams that I have had for years, things I have wanted to accomplish, but it just never worked out... are almost falling into my lap now.

I have shared the story of losing my son. This week I received an email from my old bible study leader (she is not old, just we have moved on from that bible study... ) and she forwarded me some information that made her think of me... something she thought I might want to be involved in. It is a support group that is forming here in Gainesville to reach out to families that have lost babies... They are just starting, and they need volunteers. Guess what? I am going to get involved. I am so excited. I don't know right now how I will be involved, or what they need from me. I will know more tomorrow. This I do know, I understand that pain and that loss, I have a lot of compassion to give in this area, and now, it will be put to use.

So, if you are thinking about leaving your abusive situation. If you are wondering what life will look like when the dust settles? Well, I can't tell you that, the dust has not settled yet. But, I can tell you this. There are highs and lows, there is excitement and fear. There will be tears and laughter. But, it is always worth it. You might lose somethings. I lost material comfort. I lost "status." I lost some of the things that society tells us we need. However, I also lost degradation, violence, insecurity. I found freedom, life, laughter, love. I even found a messy house. (Not always). I found wisdom, my ability to breathe life in and out, my joy, my tears... I found my ability to feel. The secret dreams that I have had, that I did not tell anyone about, that even my husband never cared to know about, they are happening. So, face your fears, say it out loud, but speak out your dreams. List all of the secret things you want to do with your life, with your brain, with your heart or your hands. It is not to late. Your life is not over. You are not destined to live unfulfilled.

I am not years down the road, I do not know what our life will look like even a year from now. I do know one thing though. I am finally living with no regrets. And that my dear, is worth everything.