A New Day...

I went yesterday for my new hire physical at the hospital. To explain how excited I am is almost impossible to put into words. But, of course, I will try. ;)

When I met my abuser I was working in a hospital and in college. I worked full time, took a full time load of classes, and still managed to be involved in extra curricular classes. Don't ask me how, I don't remember. I must not have slept much. I was a good employee, I loved my job, my co workers, (for those of you who do not know me, I have a tendency to make really great friendships every where I go.) I was 20 hours short of graduating from college. I started dating the man I married. Somehow, slowly, things changed. I was still a good employee, but, he began to criticize my co workers, or question whether or not I was being faithful. One time he came to the hospital to see me, and happened to see a guy that he thought was flirting with me. He challenged him, and they almost got in a fight. The change happened so gradually, but I began to limit myself, I changed my behavior so that I could not possibly be perceived as flirting with anyone. I was less trusting of my friends, co-workers, roommates, etc. That is one thing that abusers do, they create a mentality of "it's us against them". We got married, moved to Florida, I never graduated. Yes, I was promised that I could finish, but, there was never money, or then we had children, or.... the list goes on.

I had jobs during our marriage. And yet, at each one, I was never able to fully enjoy myself. There was always a criticism of my faithfulness. So with each question of faithfulness I would become even more careful of my behavior around men. Then there was the criticism that I spent to much time focused on work, and was not meeting his needs. So, I redoubled my efforts to be more balanced in attending to his needs. I would challenge him at times and point out that he was not supportive, or that he was putting to much pressure on me. That got me nowhere. As the pressure mounted at home, my work suffered. I hate to admit this,  but, I did not give my best to my employers because the verbal and emotional abuse would intensify. I am ashamed now that I dishonored myself by not being able to be the employee I could have been. But, it is the truth and I am facing the truth. I ended up leaving every job when I could no longer take the pressure and he would tell me that I could stay home and just be a mom. Now, I love being a mom, I always wanted to be able to stay home with my children. That is my most important job. So, on the one hand, I am very thankful that I did have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom for the most part. Yet, I never felt comfortable with the control. I hated being dependent on him financially. I hated that I could not spend money unless it was at the grocery store without a tongue lashing. That is another part of the cycle of abuse. Make your victim dependent on you for finances, limit their relationships so that they depend on you for their relational needs, then criticize them for being to needy. It is a vicious cycle.

Fast forward to today... and my excitement. For 14 years I was told I had no ambition, I was lazy, that I was a sloth. However, I now realize that was just more of the lie. The truth is, I have a dream and a plan. I want to go to nursing school. I know I will love being a nurse and giving to other people. To be able to go to nursing school, I wanted to get a job at the hospital because they have scholarships that will help pay for nursing school. SO, I have worked, and prayed, and networked. With the help of my amazing friends, I have interviewed at hospitals near and far. But, I wanted to work at the hospital near me. I interviewed with one woman and she gave me great advice on being more forward about my intention to go to nursing school. My hairdresser talked to some of her clients and they said "just keep calling HR", so I did. My girlfriends said "call and talk to the manager of my department" so I did. And, through it all.... God opened doors and closed others. Now, I am going to start working at the hospital. My plan is happening. My dream is going to come true. I am not doing this alone, God is definitely going before me. For one position that they advertise at the hospital, they will have over 300 applicants. It is not easy to get a job there. I have been trying for years. But, God, in His infinite wisdom and timing, has allowed the right doors to open at the time when I needed them to.

Here is the part I am most excited about. I will get to give my best to my employer, my co workers, the people that I come into contact with. I have begun to realize the extent of the lies... and now I realize, I just have to be who I am. There is nothing wrong with me (well except for the fact that I am human, and that is exactly how I am supposed to be). I will still be able to be a mom to my children. I will work 12 hour shifts in the middle of the night. I will go to school during the day, I will still try and be available to my kids. Yes, the next couple of years are going to be tough, and exhausting. No one said it would be easy. But, I can do this. I am a hard worker, I am not afraid. I am thrilled beyond belief to be able to start back over. It is ironic that I am going to be back in the same environment where so much of my life got sidetracked. But, this time, I have learned valuable lessons, and I am still learning. This time, I will stay on track. This time, I will use the sense God gave me. And for the first time in 16 years, I will give my best to my employer when I am at work, I will give my best to my kids when I am at home. I will give my best to my classes when they start. It will take a lot of living in the moment, but I am pretty good at that. The truth is, I am thrilled beyond belief because my life is not over. My dreams that I had given up on, and stuffed way down deep, they are alive. The reality is, my biggest fear before leaving him was that I could not do this. But, the truth is... I AM DOING THIS. Real living, you know the kind of living that is messy, sweet, beautiful, disastrous, painful, difficult, full of joy... you know that kind of living... it feels great.