I finally stopped this week to listen. I also stopped to face myself. I will pick up part of this journal entry half way through. Now, before you ask why I post something this personal... I will tell you. It is because this is what women are saying. This is what a woman with a broken heart is choosing to believe about herself. It is not just me. I share this so that any woman that is feeling this pain realizes YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Journal Entry
My heart cries out for love. My deepest desire is to be loved. To be accepted. I want a man that thinks I am beautiful, even early in the morning. I want someone to love me tenderly and strongly. Someone that thinks I am worth pursuing. Why do I not believe You, God, want that for me too? Why do I not believe that you can bring beautiful love into my life?
The truth is I don't want to face the pain. I don't want to feel the ache. I don't want to lean into the hurt until the healing comes. I want the healing to be instantaneous. I don't want to be alone or lonely. I don't want to hurt. Can't you make it stop Lord?
I want to keep moving. Keep letting my body, my smile, my face attract a man... anything to keep from feeling alone. That is what I have felt all my life. ALONE. From the time I was in the hospital...was it before that too?
There is a panic that sets in when I feel the aloneness. Fear, panic and the need to stay busy. The urge to fill every second, every quiet space. Ignore the quiet, run from the thoughts, don't face the fear, what if it never stops? What if I am alone? What if there is no one to love me, what if no one sees my value? What are your plans God? What am I really worth? I don't think I'm worth much. I don't think You really truly, gently love me.
Speak to me God.
The truth is, You do love me this way. You think I am beautiful. Even when my eyes are swollen from crying, my nose is running, my skin is blotchy. You see my worth, even more than I do. You want to love me tenderly and gently and strongly. So, is it me I am running from? Is it You? Is it my lack of trust in You? You sing songs over me and you want to dance with me. You want me to be loved. You want my heart to soar and ache from the beauty of the love You bring. You want my tears to be tears of happiness as much as anything else. Love me Father.
That is, sadly, the heart cry of a lot of us. Thank you for putting yourself out there, so we know we are not alone in that. (Even though happily, safely married there are times when I feel alone, and I don't know why.)
ReplyDeleteThis is very touching and very true. Been there and done that. After 7 years into the pain and now married to a wonderful man that loves me beyond anything I could ever have hoped for and shows me everyday in everyway, I have to encourage everyone that there is life after abuse. There is healing. What God says to you is true. He loves us and wants all those wonderful things for us that our heart longs for. In the meantime, while emerged in the waiting and healing process, let God be the husband that you need and a Father to your children. Wonderful openness, Beka......many women need to know that there is nothing wrong with them because they have these feelings. We all have these feelings, we are sadly, more often than not, afraid to admit it and afraid to face it. We were not created to be alone in this life. That's why God made relationships. Not only with each other, but with Him.
ReplyDeleteFirst I wanna say Im so proud of your vulnerability. Its so hard, its very scary, like the game you play when you fall back and see how far you can fall before your friend behind you catches you before hitting the ground. Its the place where all is stripped away from hiding the raw YOU. There is no other way to be for true healing. That IS how you heal. That is where God can meet you, thru your tears, thru His everlasting love-found in His word, in song, scripture, and thru the ones He created, US. You deserve the love you ache for. John describes God as always being...His Holy Word and the Trinity God. This is a relational God, and we find our relational God thru stories upon stories of relationships in the Word.
ReplyDeleteHe will steer you to that person. When we take it into our own hands, as I have recently done in frustration and a "give up-rebellious attitude" we will always find ourselves in a web of pain and all its manifestations. I am healing by writing you, even now this moment. I havent seen your blog, you havent been facing these feelings, I havent faced the "end" of what was selfishly robbed of me...I wanted to make it into some net gain, not a total wash. I see that I must let go, totally, in order to heal, myself. I must face my own fear of trusting others and NOT be alone. I have become so used to being alone, that it is actually a place of comfort to me. We are all gregarious, lovely women yet deep inside we ache. If we dont expose that, we cant heal. I love you, I admire you, I adore you. I commend your strength to face your fear. It is beautiful that Christ, the lover of your soul met you and comforted you, so beautifully. YES! That is how it happens and that is how we grow.
Edie posted something this morning, the first words I read as I woke...no matter how much you have been hurt, and how long it takes to get over heartache, you cant do it alone, you need friends and family. For some, your friends are your family. You are blessed precious sweet Beka. YOu are surrounded and engulfed in love by others. I love you friend. Keep going!!