A Realization

I was able to spend the last week with my best friend. We have been friends for 14 years. We became friends shortly after I got married and have been close ever since. We have walked with each other through marriage issues, pregnancy, losing children, parent issues (both ours as parents and our parents as parents), depression, anxiety, and pure joy. We have experienced life together for the last 14 years, although for the last 12 we have done it with daily phone calls and once a year visits with each other. I have been thinking about relationships, friendships, all of the blessings that we have when we have friends.

Then I started reading a book two days ago. It is called Healing Waters by Nancy Rue and Stephen Arterburn. I highly recommend it both as a good read, and as a thought provoking book as well. Two issues came up for me... 1. On Wednesday my therapist pointed out that up to this point we have been helping me survive the process of my divorce. But, she said now is the time to start digging deeper. I am scared to do that. More about that another time though. However, after reading this book, I am fully aware that God is whispering that if I will indeed let Him walk me through the pain... He will bring the healing. Just for the record, I hate pain, of any sort. SO, I have made the decision that I will look at what I need to look at, and I will face the demons that I need to face, and I will uncover the damage from the lies I have believed. AND, I will be healed and free to be the woman God originally intended me to be.
2. I now have words to describe something that I have been feeling, and aware of, but could not bring a coherent sentence to the surface to describe what I was feeling. I will do my best to explain this now.

I have felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude and love for those women and men who have stood with me in these last months. I have felt an immense amount of love, strength, encouragement and on the days when I wanted to give up the journey to the unknown, and go back to what was known but would destroy me.... someone would do or say something that would keep me moving forward. I have remembered the last time I tried to leave my marriage after the first affair. I was in Florida, I was a pastor's wife... and even though he confessed it from the pulpit... I was shunned. I was asked to leave my small group so that they could "minister" to his mistress. There was a small group of people that did not know what to say or do, so they tried to help as best they could. I do remember two women coming and helping me pack up my house so that I could move to Georgia to be near my family. But, after I moved no one from our church kept in touch. They drifted on, not sure what to say or do. Possibly they were struggling with their own questions and fears and confusion and just were not able to help me. I remember that when I got to Georgia I felt overwhelmingly alone. Even though I had my family, and they began to introduce me to their friends and slowly (thanks to my never met a stranger part of my personality) I began to make friends. This time the friends became friends with who I was. Not my role as a pastor's wife, not my position.... but, who I truly was. I will add a caveat here, there were a couple of friends that I stayed in touch with over the last 5 years. Strangely enough, they did not go to our church, they were my Bunco friends.

This morning, as I was finishing up my book, there was a discussion between two of the characters that stood out to me. It was the #2 thing that stood out to me from the book. It clarified what I have been trying to articulate. Sully, a christian therapist is talking to his client, Lucia. He says, "A pain you can't heal." Sully said. "But I don't think you could have taken the risk of feeling it before. You didn't have then what you have now."
"What's that?"
"You said it yourself. Wesley, your dad, the whole crowd." ...."You're finding something that a lot of us have forgotten we need," he said. "You're building community. You're not alone anymore, so now you can suffer without being afraid it is going to take you down." ... "Keep saying, 'Dear God, dear God.' There may still be suffering-but keep touching those people Lucia, and He won't let you suffer alone anymore."

And that is what I realized today. In these last few years, I have been building community around me. The kind of community that tells me that I do not have to be perfect to be loved. The friends that will look at me while I am crying, with snot running down my face and tell me that I am worth being loved, that I am beautiful and that God wants to help me. This time, when I tried to leave, his usual manipulations did not work. Because I had friends on speed dial that I could call and say - talk me down from the ledge. I remember one night, he had violated the restraining order and talked to me. He wanted me to meet him for coffee so we could "talk." As soon as I left my son's game, I called my girlfriend. All I could say was, "I can't think, my head is not straight... please help me get my head straight." After 5 minutes on the phone with her, I was able to think logically. The panic was replaced by peace. And, after I was calm, God was able to give me the strength to do what I needed to do. I was able to make the decision that I was comfortable with. Whether it was words, or actions... for the friends that have cleaned my house for me, when I was to overwhelmed, or the friends that hung punching bags in my garage for my kids to use... to the friends that have hugged me and held me and whispered "I'm praying." to the friends that have said "come over and eat and have a drink." The friends that have loved on my kids while I fell apart... I could not have left the situation I left without that community. For every bible verse that was emailed, every song that was sent to speak to my heart... they did. I was not strong enough on my own to leave what I had to leave. But, God knew that. He did not ask me to do it alone. He provided the community... and He provided the grace and peace and strength.

I still have days where all I can say is "Dear God, dear God." And on those days, I keep touching the people around me... and the suffering is still there, the pain is still there, the healing is still coming bit by bit... but, I am not suffering alone. I finally can articulate what is in my heart. And, to each of you that have stood with me... I thank you. I could not do it without you.

Now, for the woman reading this that is in that marriage that is killing her slowly, and is afraid to leave... look around you. You do not have to do this alone. I am not saying leave (although if you are being abused in any form, that is not what God wants for you). But, look around you, open your eyes and your mouth and your heart to the people that love you. Allow them the chance to be the friend for you that mine have been to me. You will be amazed at who and what God puts in your path. It will sometimes be people you never would have suspected. I suffered alone for the most part, because I did not tell people what was going on in my home. But now I will not keep silent... because we all need community around us.

At the end of the book Sully (therapist) comes to a realization. He writes (and I paraphrase) It is true that God knows suffering. He experiences it with us. It is true that God knows suffering, but he does not explain it. God only walks us through it and out into a place where we can once again be free. (Quoting now) "He does this not because we believe some rigid this or that about Him. He does it because He believes in us. He doesn't ask us to go out into the world telling people why they suffer. Even if we knew why, it wouldn't hurt any less. What we need to know is how to help each other live with it, and live well."

That is my realization and my goal.