I have already mentioned that my husband and I had separated at least once before. We actually separated twice. The second separation, following my move to Georgia, was the longest. However, he said he went through some intensive counseling and ultimately, for the sake of the children, I decided to give it one more shot. A few months later, a Z-pak that I took for bronchitis apparently interrupted the effectiveness of my birth control. Much to my shock, I got pregnant. However, as one does with the the curveballs of life, we adapted. Now, let me say, that in these few months before I got pregnant and the 8 months of my pregnancy were some of the happiest days of my life. Our marriage was as good as it had ever been and I was convinced that things had really changed. We embraced the idea of having a child, that everyone was sure would be a girl. He wasn't... as sure as shooting that sweet baby was a boy. After a couple of weeks of adjusting to the idea of having three boys in the house I was ready to handle it. Yes, I would miss out on having a daughter, but, I knew what to do with boys... and they always love their mama, right? Owen was an active baby... he loved music. In the way that only a pregnant woman can know her unborn child, I felt like he was going to be a child of laughter. Our whole little family got excited about this child that was being born out of reconciliation.
On Easter Sunday, April 16, 2006 I was 30 or 32 weeks pregnant (I forget which now)... he was due in a few weeks... I looked great, I felt great... my mom and some friends were planning a shower a couple of weeks later. I had clothes for him, his little bed, I had painted his crib white, it was all coming together. That easter Sunday, we had a busy day of church, a picnic, and just enjoying a spring day. At some point I realized I had not felt him move that day. Honestly though, I did not think to much about it. I drank a little orange juice, rested, and just chalked it up to a busy day and he was getting bigger and maybe running out of some room. The next morning I remember telling Owen's daddy that I was going to just call the doctor, but I was sure it was no big deal. He agreed. Around lunch time I finally got around to making the phone call to the doctor's office. The nurse on the other end of the phone told me that I needed to come in right away. I did not quite have the sense of urgency she had.... and said I would try. I remember she said, you should have called before now, you need to come in as soon as possible. I made arrangements for the class I was substitute teaching in to be taken care of. I went to the doctor's office and I remember thinking, there is nothing that can happen. The most that they will do is possibly put me on bed rest. In every other physical sense, I was in perfect health.
The first thing the nurse did was check for a heart beat. It was not there. She did that thing they do, you know, "oh, this doppler has been giving us fits, let me get another one"... she brings in another nurse who can "hear better than I can." Nothing. At this point, they leave me alone for a couple of minutes to go get someone else. In that two minutes my world changed forever. I knew that there would be no heartbeat. I remember laying there on the table, looking up at the ceiling and the only thought I could formulate was "God, you knew... this is not a surprise to You. You have to get me through this. I cannot do this." And then I went numb. There was an ultrasound. The technician was quiet. I looked as she looked. She was so patient. Finally, I said the words that no one wanted to say out loud. I said "There's no heartbeat is there?" She said no and finished up the ultrasound. At that point, the nurse called my husband and my parents. All she told them on the phone was to come to the doctor's office. I called my best friend in Hawaii to tell her. Even as I said the words I felt like I was someone else. I surely was not living this experience. Debbie had all kinds of questions... what happens now was the biggest one. I asked the nurse and they told me that they would have to induce. I shut down again. There was no way I could digest the information. I would cry for a few minutes, then I would go numb again. Suddenly I was being asked questions that I had no idea how to answer. Questions I had never considered. Do you have a funeral home? Do you want a funeral or cremation? Do you want to be induced or wait until you go into labor naturally? All of the sudden I had to think about things that no mother should ever have to think about.
Finally my family showed up. My dad wanted them to do another ultrasound. I think it was so good that the office staff was so helpful. It enabled my family to see the reality I had already seen. There truly was no heartbeat. I remember at one point my husband grabbed my hand and looked at me and said "Praise Comes First." I appreciated that reminder. I knew that although I did not understand why this was happening to me, at this time in my life, under these circumstances.... I was not going to turn away from the God who could comfort me, and no matter what happened in my life... I would not stop from turning to Him.
We went home. We had to tell our sons that their baby brother had died. My heart broke for the children that I wanted so desperately to comfort. I wanted to keep pain from their hearts... and yet, it was unavoidable. I could not stop this for them. I asked their dad to stay with the boys that night since I could not be with them and my mom and I went to the hospital. I remember asking God to somehow split me in two (hey, nobody said you have to think rational thoughts in a time like this.) I knew that I had to start the process of delivering the son that I could not watch grow up, and yet, I wanted to hold my sweet babies and protect them from pain. I could not protect any of us from this pain. I could not stop this pain. I was helpless.
The first thing the nurse did was check for a heart beat. It was not there. She did that thing they do, you know, "oh, this doppler has been giving us fits, let me get another one"... she brings in another nurse who can "hear better than I can." Nothing. At this point, they leave me alone for a couple of minutes to go get someone else. In that two minutes my world changed forever. I knew that there would be no heartbeat. I remember laying there on the table, looking up at the ceiling and the only thought I could formulate was "God, you knew... this is not a surprise to You. You have to get me through this. I cannot do this." And then I went numb. There was an ultrasound. The technician was quiet. I looked as she looked. She was so patient. Finally, I said the words that no one wanted to say out loud. I said "There's no heartbeat is there?" She said no and finished up the ultrasound. At that point, the nurse called my husband and my parents. All she told them on the phone was to come to the doctor's office. I called my best friend in Hawaii to tell her. Even as I said the words I felt like I was someone else. I surely was not living this experience. Debbie had all kinds of questions... what happens now was the biggest one. I asked the nurse and they told me that they would have to induce. I shut down again. There was no way I could digest the information. I would cry for a few minutes, then I would go numb again. Suddenly I was being asked questions that I had no idea how to answer. Questions I had never considered. Do you have a funeral home? Do you want a funeral or cremation? Do you want to be induced or wait until you go into labor naturally? All of the sudden I had to think about things that no mother should ever have to think about.
Finally my family showed up. My dad wanted them to do another ultrasound. I think it was so good that the office staff was so helpful. It enabled my family to see the reality I had already seen. There truly was no heartbeat. I remember at one point my husband grabbed my hand and looked at me and said "Praise Comes First." I appreciated that reminder. I knew that although I did not understand why this was happening to me, at this time in my life, under these circumstances.... I was not going to turn away from the God who could comfort me, and no matter what happened in my life... I would not stop from turning to Him.
We went home. We had to tell our sons that their baby brother had died. My heart broke for the children that I wanted so desperately to comfort. I wanted to keep pain from their hearts... and yet, it was unavoidable. I could not stop this for them. I asked their dad to stay with the boys that night since I could not be with them and my mom and I went to the hospital. I remember asking God to somehow split me in two (hey, nobody said you have to think rational thoughts in a time like this.) I knew that I had to start the process of delivering the son that I could not watch grow up, and yet, I wanted to hold my sweet babies and protect them from pain. I could not protect any of us from this pain. I could not stop this pain. I was helpless.
Have come via Deb. Wow! Am glad that you have Jesus, and Deb. This is something I don't think I could comprehend having happen to me, and I thank you for sharing.
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