Let the tears flow...

October 28, 2009 my life changed forever. That is the day that my husband laid his hands on me violently for the very last time. I remember the day clearly. We were supposed to be leaving for the Fall Festival at our church. Tonight, he is taking the kids to the Fall Festival at that same church. It has been a year. Life looks so different now.

I sat down after the kids left to go with him tonight. I flipped through the channels and there was some channel that was playing christian music videos. I stopped and listened to a couple. Then a song by Nicole C. Mullens came on, One Touch. I almost flipped the channel, but I did not. I wish I was computer literate enough to know how to incorporate the Youtube versions of the song into this blog, but I am not. Instead, I will set the song up for you. I will say I could not find the music video version on Youtube yet. I did find versions of her singing the song. It is a beautiful song and of course, God knew, it was exactly what I needed today.

The video opens showing a street crowded with people, it gives us a snippet into their lives... and on each of their shirts or jacket is a word. The words range from  Forgotten, Rejected, Afraid, Unloved, Shame... to Addiction. It is a gamut of the issues that we face. As the song opens, she says...

Been ostracized for 12 years, I'm used to being alone. 

Spent everything I had, and now it's gone. 

I'm used to being put down, my issues tell it all. My only hope is anchored in this fall. 

If I could just touch the hem of his garment, I know I'd be made whole. 

If I could just press my way through this madness, his love would heal my soul

If only One touch. 

As I sat and listened to the song, at first I was just enjoying the message of the song. As she showed the snippets of video, one was a woman being abused by her husband. On her shirt were written the words SHAME. As I watched that woman walk through the street and then stop and reach up toward the sky... I began to cry. I am that woman. The rejection and fear and shame and brokenness, and alone-ness and all the rest of it... came bubbling up in my heart. I sit here in tears now... but, only because as the video continued the song says

 "and suddenly he turned around, and said, somebody has unleashed my power." 

I remember last year the confusion, the absolutely paralyzing fear. There is no way to describe the amount of fear, and yet knowing there is no other choice. You realize that this might be the one choice that completely does you in, and yet you know, this is the only choice left other than death. The whole fight or flight thing kicks in... You have to do this.

Over the last year, I have not failed. Through friends, family, the people that God surrounded me with kept me moving, and the very Heavenly Father that loves me. I am still surrounded. The danger is not over yet. But, I am each day getting stronger. I am less and less living in fear. More and more, I am ready for the next challenge. Yes, there are so many challenges... but, they are not as terrifying as they were. Each time that I make it through the next thing, I am getting one day closer to freedom.

Divorce does not provide freedom. It provides a measure of protection, but no freedom. My problems are not fixed by divorce, or even by what the law allows me. Where is the freedom? In His touch. My soul is healing. My heart is finding the freedom to speak out, to love, to feel, to cry, to question... but ultimately, my heart is getting stronger.

Why? Because, I reached out and touched the hem of his garment. He turned and looked at me. God looked down at me through His own tears, and He saw my sin, my pain, my weakness, and my need. Yet, He chose to press His way through my madness... and He chose to touch me. He is healing me. When no one else would touch me, when no one else would believe me... He said, I can make you whole. I can change you.

Today the tears flow. Tears of sorrow because I would have loved for our story to have a different ending. One that would have glorified God and His amazing ability to heal. But, my marriage is not what will be healed. Instead, I will focus on the God that has chosen to heal my heart. The God that has chosen to set me free from such immense pain and shame. Today tears of freedom flow... bittersweet tears, but, they are shed in freedom. I am no longer abused. I am no longer living in that shame. Today, I am becoming stronger. Today, my Father is touching me, His power is flowing in my life... and today I am a different person than I was. Yes, it has been painful and scary... but, I have not fallen apart. Today, I am stronger than I was a year ago. And, I am loved.

Life is the messy bits

My wildest dreams came true tonight... Yes, you heard me right... they came true. Tonight, while my boys wrestled upstairs, in fact two hours later, it still sounds like they might come through the ceiling any minute, despite repeated but ignored warnings to the contrary. While they did their best to dismantle my room, while watching football, my daughter and I had our first Girls Movie Night. My three year old snuggled up in the recliner, and I snuggled up in the other chair (have I mentioned that I am STILL making payments on my couch?) and we watched "Letters to Juliet" together. At one point she asked me why the lady was crying... did her mom or dad leave her... but that is a very different blog.

Anyway, as we watched this movie, that made me laugh and cry, there was a fabulous line that Vanessa Redgrave says... She says to her grandson, Charlie, "life is the messy bits." I fell in love with that line.

Life is the pain, the loss, the frustration, the fighting for what is worth fighting for... it is the mess.

This week I had to go to court again. I won. However, someone that understands more than I ever thought they would, figured it out. That person texted me this morning and said "It is bittersweet." Even though the Judge upheld what she had previously ordered... and even though she ordered. the person I faced in Court do the right thing... it was very bittersweet. I would give anything to not have to fight. I hate conflict. I hate broken relationships. It seems that they are all around me. I would so much rather get along, and just do the right thing for the sake of the children. But, this week, life was messy. I have been discouraged, I have been angry, I have been tired... I came close once again to giving up.

How does all of this work out biblically? Well, God said we would have trials and tribulation (trouble and mess). He promised that there would be difficulty, possibly persecution, and in some cases, even death... and yet, He promised to be with us in the midst of it all. Basically, "life is the messy bits, but I will help you with the clean up."

I had a conversation with my oldest son earlier this week... he said "Mom, the worst thing you can do right now is give up on your faith in God." I explained to him that I was not giving up on my faith, but I was talking to God about my anger and my disappointment. I told him, "It's the same as when I get angry with you, I am upset about what you did or did not do, I might even yell at you, but I NEVER, EVER stop loving you or give up on my relationship with you." God is like that. He can handle our honesty, our anger, our mess.

However, here is the amazing thing about the messy bits of life... without them we would not appreciate the beauty that we experience. As Claire, in the movie, realized... her love found was so much sweeter because of the love lost. The experience tonight with my daughter was so much sweeter because I had given up on ever having a daughter. And, her whole life has been so sweet because we all experienced the loss of her brother's life. The loss of my marriage and the husband that I wish I had married.... are real. But, one day, the sweetness of the right man, who loves me beyond measure will be that much sweeter. Let me just go out on a limb and tell you what else I have realized. The relationship I have with my Savior is made that much sweeter because I have had to wrestle through the fear, the pain, the desire to give up my beliefs. However, I have realized that He is true, He is real, He is here with me. He has not left me alone, He has not forgotten my children and I, and more than anything... HE SEES and HE CARES about the pain we are dealing with. Life is the messy bits.

So get out there, live out the dreams, face the despair, feel the loss, oh and don't forget to live the joy, the beauty, the love, and the gifts. It is so wonderful. Smile, feel the wind in your hair and realize you ARE LIVING. Thank God for the mess.