So, today was supposed to be the last day of school before the christmas holidays. It was not what I expected.
Today was supposed to be somewhat restful, comforting, peaceful.... It was not what I expected.
Today was painful. My kids are hurting and I realize that. I am hurting, for different reasons, but I realize that. I'm going to be honest, divorce is good and bad, but at the holidays???????
I got a call from the school, my son is hurting. I got an email earlier this week, my other son is hurting. I went to work last night... my daughter is hurting. But, this is life. All of the good things we have faced in the last year, all of the amazing blessings... they are somewhat diminished in the face of the pain of loss at the holidays. The kids are missing their family. I am missing my son. My daughter is missing her happy mom.
Yes, the holidays are difficult. I could listen to 1,000 men tell me I am beautiful and worth loving. I could hear 2,000 stories of how amazing I am and how wonderful my kids are... but, at the end of the day, we are here alone with our awesome, beautiful, amazingness. :)
I have not blogged in a while. I have not known what to say. How to explain what is happening in my head, in my heart? It is a confusing conundrum, a paradoxical paradox, I am happy. I know I made the right decision, I know I did the right thing. But, I look at my children... and how they are hurting. And, I hate it.
I wish that for today, I could make all the lines disappear from my oldest son's forehead. I wish I could make my youngest son's heart fee light. I wish I could erase the tears, and the years from my 3 year old daughter. But, I can't. Instead, I can focus on what God has given us... the blessings, the craziness, the laughter, the fun.
Tonight we are hurting. But, this is not the last night... and this is not the last song.
