So, today was supposed to be the last day of school before the christmas holidays. It was not what I expected.
Today was supposed to be somewhat restful, comforting, peaceful.... It was not what I expected.
Today was painful. My kids are hurting and I realize that. I am hurting, for different reasons, but I realize that. I'm going to be honest, divorce is good and bad, but at the holidays???????
I got a call from the school, my son is hurting. I got an email earlier this week, my other son is hurting. I went to work last night... my daughter is hurting. But, this is life. All of the good things we have faced in the last year, all of the amazing blessings... they are somewhat diminished in the face of the pain of loss at the holidays. The kids are missing their family. I am missing my son. My daughter is missing her happy mom.
Yes, the holidays are difficult. I could listen to 1,000 men tell me I am beautiful and worth loving. I could hear 2,000 stories of how amazing I am and how wonderful my kids are... but, at the end of the day, we are here alone with our awesome, beautiful, amazingness. :)
I have not blogged in a while. I have not known what to say. How to explain what is happening in my head, in my heart? It is a confusing conundrum, a paradoxical paradox, I am happy. I know I made the right decision, I know I did the right thing. But, I look at my children... and how they are hurting. And, I hate it.
I wish that for today, I could make all the lines disappear from my oldest son's forehead. I wish I could make my youngest son's heart fee light. I wish I could erase the tears, and the years from my 3 year old daughter. But, I can't. Instead, I can focus on what God has given us... the blessings, the craziness, the laughter, the fun.
Tonight we are hurting. But, this is not the last night... and this is not the last song.
I'm glad you're back. I was wondering how you were.
ReplyDeleteHolidays are hard when there is grief and divorce. Our God is gracious and I pray that He will continue to heal and restore and bring peace to you all at this time.
I hope the rest of the holidays were okay for you. I can't imagine having to go through that season with the new adjustments you have made. You will get through it girlie. I promise. My cousin died in September and his wife and kids are going through their first Christmas without husband and father too. A different kind of difficult, but a loss of family nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteLCL - I am so glad you pointed that out... Loss is loss, no matter how it happens. I am so sorry for your cousin's wife and children. It turns out none of us are immune from pain. However, we can press through the pain and you are correct... it will not always be this way. The day will come when the difficult part has past... and the joy that awaits will be ours.
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