Haha, I found this old post that I had started and never published... Good times, good times.
My oldest son starts high school. My youngest daughter starts kindergarten. My middle son, you know, the one who never rocks the boat? His voice is changing. Puberty is happening. He is now exactly my height. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
I don't care what you say. I am just not old enough or ready enough for my son to enter high school. Or, my daughter, my long awaited for daughter... the special surprise in my life.... she is MOST DEFINITELY not starting kindergarten.
So, I have seriously cried tonight. Mostly? Well, I'm not sure I can really describe it all. I feel so inadequate at actually catching all of my emotions well. My children... they are beautiful. They are amazing, they are normal and broken human beings. BUT, they are beautiful. They are strong, they light up my world. They are unruffled by little things. They are unmoved by the inconsequential.
TONIGHT, my daughter and I got to spend quality time planning her wedding. She is 5. Well, almost, she will be 5 on Wednesday. I was at the hairdresser's having my gray's covered. I brought her along so that the boys could have a break from babysitting all week while I was at work. Somehow, we ended up looking at a bridal magazine and talking weddings. She totally loves hot pink. She plans on wearing hot pink lipstick at her wedding.
My boys, they stayed home and waited for me to hit the grocery store after the hairdresser. That is what teenagers care about. And when I got home? We watched a show we all love. I managed to start crying over a sitcom. They laughed. All was right with the world.
But now I sit in my dining room and contemplate all that has happened and will happen in this next week. I cried today, not just because my oldest starts high school and my youngest starts kindergarten all in the same year. Um, hello, that does not happen for many. I cried today because I realize it is all going so fast. The school year flies by. The sports seasons fly by. I sit in rain, snow, heat and the dark. I watch basketball, football, track and field and ballet. I love it all. Every single second of each practice that I see, each performance that they give... I love it.
I won't be able to share any more ultrasound pictures, or heartbeats on the monitors. I cannot recapture the moment of birth, that first cry, all those special moments. I won't have any other children. This is the first time that this reality has hit me hard. I am okay with it, but, there is a certain amount of bittersweetness that goes along with this part of life. I will never be able to live the fresh start of life again. Well, until I am a grandmother. Which, truth be told, better be a very long time from now. And yet, nothing stops me from the silly teary eyed moments of being a mom. You know, the ones where your kids look at you and think you are crazy. Your teenagers roll their eyes. Your baby actually still kisses you in return. Oh God, I love this. I love every single crazy, bizarre, painful, exciting moment. I love them all.
My sweet babies are growing up and I can't stop that. But, I am here for the ride. I am documenting the memories, and I am remembering the past.
I walked my oldest son to his kindergarten class. By Friday, I will walk my final baby to her first day
of class. Oh, did I mention I don't know how this happened? I am pretty sure more is to come.
Frankly, how much humor is to be found in one child in elementary school, one child in middle school and one child in high school. AND I'M A SINGLE MOM? Laughing all the way to the non-filled bank.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
What I am learning about love
February 10, 2013
It is almost that time that I really don't care for any longer. The only good thing about the approaching day is it is my Papa's birthday and I really love him a lot. But, I have been learning and thinking and reflecting.... and oh yeah, I have to post a blog or the blog man-in-charge will delete all my stuff altogether. So, I might as well blog again.
What I am learning about love? Before you get to crazy, I am not just referring to romantic love... all kinds of love, friendship love (for those well versed christians among us that is the phileo love), the eros (try and figure out what that refers to) and the down deep, satisfies your soul, leaves you more whole than broken kind of love.
First, it is real. Love exists. It is not just a feeling. There has to be some emotion, some connection, some kind of feeling to even get you interested in sharing love with another person. Let's face it... we just don't connect with every living being in the universe. I don't even like all cats. But, love is not just a feeling. It is a choice, it is an action, it is a feeling. It has to have all three components. But, because God is, at His very essence, LOVE, then love does exist and is all around us.
Second, love can devastate us. Love can come into our life slowly, or unexpectedly. But, the minute we embrace it, it has the power to devastate us. I could theologically dissect this all day long, but, I won't for now.
Love can heal us. I do want to dissect this a little more. Since God is love, of course love can heal us. He is also a healer... he is close to the broken hearted, you know, all that good stuff. But, to break it down a little, it is the people that we choose to entrust ourselves to that can devastate or be a channel of healing as well.
Whether it is the friends I spend my precious free time with, or a man I choose to date or my family who I don't see every day but I don't have to doubt or question their love for me... when I open up my heart and let someone in, I am finding that there is some healing that happens. Each moment that I spend with my God, there is ultimate healing that happens in those moments. One thing I am enjoying is finding how love, in all its forms changes and reveals more of myself to me.
The one lesson I am learning? I get to choose. I can choose whether to allow love in, or protect myself. Just like God gave me the free will to choose Him or not choose Him, I have the free will to choose love or not. I have gone through times in the last three years in which I chose to close off and protect. I chose not to allow love in. Those were difficult and dark times, but I learned a lot. I closed myself off to even my closest friends. It was my choice. But, the day came when I realized I was not satisfied with that. Yes, there needed to be some protection for a while to get back to some kind of even keel, but, I could not stay there. Now, there are times that I choose not to let someone in, an acquaintance will simply remain an acquaintance, a friend does not get to come further into the next circle, a date does not get to know anything about the real me. But, I also choose to let the opposite happen, when I see that there is something inside a person that warrants my time, my attention and my trust.
I am still learning a lot. I don't have this all figured out. Let's face it, my blog, in some ways, is my journal that I choose to share. I will continue to learn more about love, about people and about the very Creator of Love. I am really looking forward to those lessons.
I do know there are two things that I would tell my children right now, after learning what I have learned up to this point.
1. God created love, let love in. Let Him in. Allow yourself to be stretched. In that you will find out more about yourself, who you are, who God created you to be. You will find an incredible capacity to learn, to expand, and to live wider, deeper and truer by allowing love to be in your life.
2. You have the choice. So when you choose to let a person in, do it with the understanding that they are not God. They might let you down, they might hurt you, they might leave you wounded. And if the day comes that a person leaves you broken beyond recognition, forgive. You can choose to keep toxic things or people out of your life... but always forgive. Never ever close yourself off to God. He will start the healing... and then He will bring others into your life that will help continue the healing. He will always finish the healing one day as well. Whether it is your friend, (God forbid) your mother, or your lover... God will bring the healing, if you keep choosing love. Your really just choosing life and choosing Him. But, it's almost VD so I can say choose love. But, at the very same moment that a person can cause damage, God can also use other people to restore faith in humanity, to restore hope, and to bring a whole lot of laughter and contentment.
Oh the theological parallels that are running through my head, but there is not enough room here. Suffice to say, God and Love are so intertwined that they cannot be separated. And God and people are so intertwined that we cannot be separated. Never think that today is the sum total. Life is ever changing, always forcing us to make the choice to grow and become boring. I am not going to choose boring.
It is almost that time that I really don't care for any longer. The only good thing about the approaching day is it is my Papa's birthday and I really love him a lot. But, I have been learning and thinking and reflecting.... and oh yeah, I have to post a blog or the blog man-in-charge will delete all my stuff altogether. So, I might as well blog again.
What I am learning about love? Before you get to crazy, I am not just referring to romantic love... all kinds of love, friendship love (for those well versed christians among us that is the phileo love), the eros (try and figure out what that refers to) and the down deep, satisfies your soul, leaves you more whole than broken kind of love.
First, it is real. Love exists. It is not just a feeling. There has to be some emotion, some connection, some kind of feeling to even get you interested in sharing love with another person. Let's face it... we just don't connect with every living being in the universe. I don't even like all cats. But, love is not just a feeling. It is a choice, it is an action, it is a feeling. It has to have all three components. But, because God is, at His very essence, LOVE, then love does exist and is all around us.
Second, love can devastate us. Love can come into our life slowly, or unexpectedly. But, the minute we embrace it, it has the power to devastate us. I could theologically dissect this all day long, but, I won't for now.
Love can heal us. I do want to dissect this a little more. Since God is love, of course love can heal us. He is also a healer... he is close to the broken hearted, you know, all that good stuff. But, to break it down a little, it is the people that we choose to entrust ourselves to that can devastate or be a channel of healing as well.
Whether it is the friends I spend my precious free time with, or a man I choose to date or my family who I don't see every day but I don't have to doubt or question their love for me... when I open up my heart and let someone in, I am finding that there is some healing that happens. Each moment that I spend with my God, there is ultimate healing that happens in those moments. One thing I am enjoying is finding how love, in all its forms changes and reveals more of myself to me.
The one lesson I am learning? I get to choose. I can choose whether to allow love in, or protect myself. Just like God gave me the free will to choose Him or not choose Him, I have the free will to choose love or not. I have gone through times in the last three years in which I chose to close off and protect. I chose not to allow love in. Those were difficult and dark times, but I learned a lot. I closed myself off to even my closest friends. It was my choice. But, the day came when I realized I was not satisfied with that. Yes, there needed to be some protection for a while to get back to some kind of even keel, but, I could not stay there. Now, there are times that I choose not to let someone in, an acquaintance will simply remain an acquaintance, a friend does not get to come further into the next circle, a date does not get to know anything about the real me. But, I also choose to let the opposite happen, when I see that there is something inside a person that warrants my time, my attention and my trust.
I am still learning a lot. I don't have this all figured out. Let's face it, my blog, in some ways, is my journal that I choose to share. I will continue to learn more about love, about people and about the very Creator of Love. I am really looking forward to those lessons.
I do know there are two things that I would tell my children right now, after learning what I have learned up to this point.
1. God created love, let love in. Let Him in. Allow yourself to be stretched. In that you will find out more about yourself, who you are, who God created you to be. You will find an incredible capacity to learn, to expand, and to live wider, deeper and truer by allowing love to be in your life.
2. You have the choice. So when you choose to let a person in, do it with the understanding that they are not God. They might let you down, they might hurt you, they might leave you wounded. And if the day comes that a person leaves you broken beyond recognition, forgive. You can choose to keep toxic things or people out of your life... but always forgive. Never ever close yourself off to God. He will start the healing... and then He will bring others into your life that will help continue the healing. He will always finish the healing one day as well. Whether it is your friend, (God forbid) your mother, or your lover... God will bring the healing, if you keep choosing love. Your really just choosing life and choosing Him. But, it's almost VD so I can say choose love. But, at the very same moment that a person can cause damage, God can also use other people to restore faith in humanity, to restore hope, and to bring a whole lot of laughter and contentment.
Oh the theological parallels that are running through my head, but there is not enough room here. Suffice to say, God and Love are so intertwined that they cannot be separated. And God and people are so intertwined that we cannot be separated. Never think that today is the sum total. Life is ever changing, always forcing us to make the choice to grow and become boring. I am not going to choose boring.
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