How did this happen?

Haha, I found this old post that I had started and never published... Good times, good times.

My oldest son starts high school. My youngest daughter starts kindergarten. My middle son, you know, the one who never rocks the boat? His voice is changing. Puberty is happening. He is now exactly my height. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

I don't care what you say. I am just not old enough or ready enough for my son to enter high school. Or, my daughter, my long awaited for daughter... the special surprise in my life.... she is MOST DEFINITELY not starting kindergarten.

So, I have seriously cried tonight. Mostly? Well, I'm not sure I can really describe it all. I feel so inadequate at actually catching all of my emotions well. My children... they are beautiful. They are amazing, they are normal and broken human beings. BUT, they are beautiful. They are strong, they light up my world. They are unruffled by little things. They are unmoved by the inconsequential.

TONIGHT, my daughter and I got to spend quality time planning her wedding. She is 5. Well, almost, she will be 5 on Wednesday.  I was at the hairdresser's having my gray's covered. I brought her along so that the boys could have a break from babysitting all week while I was at work. Somehow, we ended up looking at a bridal magazine and talking weddings. She totally loves hot pink. She plans on wearing hot pink lipstick at her wedding.

My boys, they stayed home and waited for me to hit the grocery store after the hairdresser. That is what teenagers care about. And when I got home? We watched a show we all love. I managed to start crying over a sitcom. They laughed. All was right with the world.

But now I sit in my dining room and contemplate all that has happened and will happen in this next week. I cried today, not just because my oldest starts high school and my youngest starts kindergarten all in the same year. Um, hello, that does not happen for many. I cried today because I realize it is all going so fast. The school year flies by. The sports seasons fly by. I sit in rain, snow, heat and the dark. I watch basketball, football, track and field and ballet. I love it all. Every single second of each practice that I see, each performance that they give... I love it.

 I won't be able to share any more ultrasound pictures, or heartbeats on the monitors. I cannot recapture the moment of birth, that first cry, all those special moments. I won't have any other children. This is the first time that this reality has hit me hard. I am okay with it, but, there is a certain amount of bittersweetness that goes along with this part of life. I will never be able to live the fresh start of life again. Well, until I am a grandmother. Which, truth be told, better be a very long time from now. And yet, nothing stops me from the silly teary eyed moments of being a mom. You know, the ones where your kids look at you and think you are crazy. Your teenagers roll their eyes. Your baby actually still kisses you in return. Oh God, I love this. I love every single crazy, bizarre, painful, exciting moment. I love them all.

My sweet babies are growing up and I can't stop that. But, I am here for the ride. I am documenting the memories, and I am remembering the past.

I walked my oldest son to his kindergarten class. By Friday, I will walk my final baby to her first day
of class. Oh, did I mention I don't know how this happened? I am pretty sure more is to come.

Frankly, how much humor is to be found in one child in elementary school, one child in middle school and one child in high school. AND I'M A SINGLE MOM? Laughing all the way to the non-filled bank.