I obviously need a job that allows me to write full time. So many times I will think 'oh, I need to blog that'. This is usually followed by 'i'm sure somebody else has already thought of this, I have nothing new to add', which generally leads to 'so many people think they have something to say, but, wonder why that is and what it says about us, and wonder why we think we have some new perspective... and why anyone is listening?'... but I digress. I currently have at least three blogs or articles that I would love to write about. However, for today I am going to have to pick one. Hmmm, which shall it be? There is the one that my best friend started in my head because it took her skin cancer four tries to get to the "root" of the cancer... that is a good one, but I have not finished thinking it through all the way, so.... I might let that one slide. There is the one about the stage of life I am in with the kids right now and how so much is changing at what feels like lightning speed. Or, there is the one about current events and how that one event is affecting me personally. What to say, what to say! So here goes...
Unless you just emerged from your rock cave somewhere, you have heard about Ariel Castro. Pretty much most of America is familiar with the man at this point. Thankfully I can use the word admittedly kidnapped, held captive, raped and tortured three girls for ten years. I say I can thankfully use the word admittedly because he did at least admit it in court and saved the tax payers of Ohio a bundle of money. Otherwise I would use the word alleged. Alright, alright, that was another rabbit trail. When this first came out in the news my therapist asked in me one day how I was handling it. Up to that point, I had emotionally connected with the victims, but the story had not really affected me much. I had gotten frustrated with reported opinions of some who could not understand why the girls did not try to get away at any other time in their ten years of captivity. But, I really was able to kind of keep that seperated from my life, wrapped up with a neat and tidy string. Until this morning.
I read his remarks. The ones about how it was really the victims fault, how they asked for it, how, he had been abused and was really just the victim of his addictions, of how he had not been a wife beater until he met his wife and how he would try to be the voice of reason and she would start the fight and he had no other option but to protect himself or better yet, he was just trying to restrain her. Yep, those remarks... and with those words that nice little package unraveled and I had a reaction. They were a very definite trigger for me. I had a physical reaction when I read those words. Why? Because I have heard those words way to many times from my abuser's mouth. The article I was reading went on to quote various experts in abuse and they all stated that all abuser's say those same things. It's really funny. One commentator, a former domestic violence counselor turned playwright, Zoe Flowers, stated "One of the things we often say is that it's almost like there is a batterer handbook and a sex offender handbook as well..." It's true. I cannot explain it. But, they say the same things.
But, what does this to me? Why my reaction? Because I know how those girls feel. So, I will tell you how I felt when I would hear this. Four years ago, I would feel confused and angry and frustrated and helpless. It was incredulous that those words would come out of my abuser's mouth, telling me that I was the reason he had choked me, thrown me on the bed, pushed me against the wall. How could I be asking for this? No sane, normal person asks to be hurt. I felt powerless. I could not stop him. I could not protect myself. If he made the choice to rip me to shreds with his tongue or his hands, there was nothing I could do to stop him. Trust me. I tried. I would try to be kind and I would try to be strong and I would try to talk him down from his anger... and then I just quit trying. I would yell and scream and cry. Then I gave that up. By the end, I felt so dead and cold inside. His words could not hurt me anymore because quite honestly, there was nothing left that he had not already destroyed.
Today? I heard Castro's comments. I felt an initial flash of fear, nausea, anger. But, I was able to talk myself into calming down. I have a wonderful therapist who is teaching me tools to deal with these triggers. I have a life that no longer involves that abuse. I have people who love me. Most importantly, I have a house that is free from abuse. My children and I are able to communicate with each other without tearing each other down. When we make mistakes we take responsibility. We deal with issues before we go to bed so that the air is clean each night and each morning. We forgive, we love, we fight against each other at times, but more often we are fighting for each other.
I still fight against fear. It is a daily battle at times. I lived with the horror of abuse for a long time. One thing that helps me though is knowing that I am not the only one. Other women have heard the same words come from their abusers mouth. I am not crazy, I did not ask for what I got. Today, I am a fighter. I have survived.
I am a builder (or rebuilder). I have rebuilt out of the rubble. I have not done this alone. God has sustained me every step of the way. People have supported me. My children have given me the drive to keep fighting for a new life. And just once in a while now? I am able to speak hope and life to another woman. I was asked recently what is one dream I have that I would like to realize in my lifetime? I want to speak for those who have not found their voice yet. I want to champion for those who do not realize they can win yet. I want to lend my strength as others have lent strength to me. And that is how I will put all of this messiness in a package and tie it with a ribbon. I will be able one day to look back and know that what was done to me in ugliness did not make me ugly, it gave me the opportunity to become stronger. What one man meant as evil and destruction will no longer define me. I will allow this to be the catalyst that God uses to show grace and compassion for others. I will not allow this person or these circumstances to make me hard or bitter. I will instead look for the life and the beauty that can be shared with another victim. I will let peace be my prize and hope be my prodder and God be my healer.
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