This morning I logged into facebook and one of my friends had the following as her status "If you "like" this status, I will post something on your wall I like about you, no matter what. Even if we barely know each other or you think it'll be awkward! Make this as your status too if you want a challenge---- why not?"
So of course, I "liked" her status, then I reposted that as my status. I am now up to about 10 people that I have gotten to say something nice to. I also have had a couple of people say something nice to me. At the same time, I have had to deal in email form with someone that is difficult to communicate with. This person spent years shredding me to pieces with their mouth. Everything about my personhood, my character, my personality, my looks was criticized. With a few well placed words I was reduced to a mess. As I have been dealing with two such extremes today, I started to think. Our words have so much power. We can make someone's day with a well spoken couple of words. We can rip the rug out from under someone with some poorly spoken sentences. In Proverbs 18 we are told that death and life are in the power of the tongue. Not to be cheeky, but God knew what He was talking about, or maybe He created it that way.
Why do we hold back on saying something nice to someone? What are we hurting or helping by not being open with others. Yes, there are difficult things to be said at times. Let's face it, life is real and sometimes it stinks and there are the difficult and painful conversations to be had. I am not saying let's all live in denial about reality. But, even when you are having a conflict with someone... is it hurting anything to do it in a way that shows respect for their personhood? What happens when we really, truly tell someone what we love or just like about them? Could you imagine what your day would be like if you left the house having said something nice to the people you love... you go to work, or school, or errands, whatever your day holds... knowing that you gave them a smile that they take with them all day. For each frustrating email, phone call, difficulty at work, homework assignment, whatever your day holds, let's just imagine that all throughout your day someone would say something to you that made you smile, or just lightened your mood for a second. All of the sudden the reality of life is not as hard to face. Then let's just imagine for a second that you come home, maybe you are slightly discouraged, tired, even (gasp) grumpy. Yet, you are greeted by people that can't wait to see you, they can't wait to say something to you that helps your burdened day feel a bit lighter. They are so willing to give a kind word or smile to you, because you already did that for them. How does that change your day? your mood? your reality?
Does this all sound to "pollyanna"? I am not talking about the ridiculous, overly sappy, exaggerated kind of speech. Just think about giving more positive to those around you than negative. It does not cost me, hurt me or take my energy to say something nice to someone. Yet, the smile that they get, or the warm feeling that they get, that just makes my day. Now, just for the record, I can have a sharp tongue. People have told me that I am witty... that is the positive... the negative side of that is, sometimes I can say something that slices and dices without thinking it through. I need to work on that.
I think I really want to be able to give with an open heart, whether my words, actions, or even my thoughts. I really want to be a positive influence in someone's day. It is not always easy. People can difficult, sometimes they are just a real pain in the you know what... but, I want to try. I really like the way I have felt today when I have told ten people (thirteen including my children) something I like about them. I wonder if those people liked being told what makes them special?
Monday, June 21, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Journal entry 6/18/10
Tonight I am exhausted. It is not a physical tiredness, although that is there. I am emotionally worn out. I am spiritually wasted.
This week has been wave after wave of mess. About the time I thought I could handle the wave, and "feel", something else would happen.
I have been terrified this week and had to re-trust God. I have had to deal with normal problems and crazy abnormal problems. I have done all of that. At no point this week did I give up, revert back to learned helplessness. I knew who to call to help with the next problem. But, so many issues this week. I am empty.
There were some good things that happened this week, but right this second, they are not dominant.
Underlying the busy-ness and emotional roller coaster is a loneliness that I became aware of. I will try and describe it.
When you are single and raising children, the weight of everything is on your shoulders. Now, hopefully, even divorced parents can work together for the sake of their children, but let's face it... that is not my reality. All of the decisions, all of the problems, even the fun is my responsibility. If there is emotional drama... you still have a house to clean and children to feed and listen to.
But more than just not having hands to help with the work, it's deeper. I was codependent in my marriage. I was sure I could not survive without him. Now, I see I can survive and even thrive. But at the end of the night, when I go to bed, there is no one else. There are no words of encouragement, no sweet kisses to remind me this will pass. No arms around me to let me know I am not alone, or at least hold me together when I fall apart.
I know God is here, waiting to be my strength, my peace, my comforter. I know if I will simply trust Him with my heart, He will heal and make me stronger. He will protect and love me better than any other man.
For tonight though, I will feel the ache of loneliness, I will let my heart break from the onslaught this week has brought. I will let the tears fall, and I will finally admit... I am weak, I am tired, I am frightened. Even in this though, I know who to run to. I am lonely and sad and broken tonight, but I will remember that my crying is for tonight. I am promised that joy comes in the morning. I just hope it literally (and not figuratively) means tomorrow morning.
Nehemiah 8:10... The joy of the Lord is your strength...
So, bring it on.
This week has been wave after wave of mess. About the time I thought I could handle the wave, and "feel", something else would happen.
I have been terrified this week and had to re-trust God. I have had to deal with normal problems and crazy abnormal problems. I have done all of that. At no point this week did I give up, revert back to learned helplessness. I knew who to call to help with the next problem. But, so many issues this week. I am empty.
There were some good things that happened this week, but right this second, they are not dominant.
Underlying the busy-ness and emotional roller coaster is a loneliness that I became aware of. I will try and describe it.
When you are single and raising children, the weight of everything is on your shoulders. Now, hopefully, even divorced parents can work together for the sake of their children, but let's face it... that is not my reality. All of the decisions, all of the problems, even the fun is my responsibility. If there is emotional drama... you still have a house to clean and children to feed and listen to.
But more than just not having hands to help with the work, it's deeper. I was codependent in my marriage. I was sure I could not survive without him. Now, I see I can survive and even thrive. But at the end of the night, when I go to bed, there is no one else. There are no words of encouragement, no sweet kisses to remind me this will pass. No arms around me to let me know I am not alone, or at least hold me together when I fall apart.
I know God is here, waiting to be my strength, my peace, my comforter. I know if I will simply trust Him with my heart, He will heal and make me stronger. He will protect and love me better than any other man.
For tonight though, I will feel the ache of loneliness, I will let my heart break from the onslaught this week has brought. I will let the tears fall, and I will finally admit... I am weak, I am tired, I am frightened. Even in this though, I know who to run to. I am lonely and sad and broken tonight, but I will remember that my crying is for tonight. I am promised that joy comes in the morning. I just hope it literally (and not figuratively) means tomorrow morning.
Nehemiah 8:10... The joy of the Lord is your strength...
So, bring it on.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Overwhelmed
This will be my shortest blog yet. (You didn't know that was possible did you?) I just want to say, I have been overwhelmed by the encouragement I have received on my latest posting. But, even more so, I have been amazed by the private messages and emails from people (men and women) telling me that something that I said has given them the courage to face certain relationships in their lives that are painful and need to change. I will say, quite happily for me, none of these have actually been with a marriage partner.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support and encouragement to keep talking. This is an issue that I am passionate about, to the core of my being. I thank God that I have the freedom (and I might as well thank all the soldiers that are fighting for that freedom) to speak out. I thank God that Dawn encouraged me to start this blog and that already it is making a difference, people are stopping to think, and engage on this topic of domestic violence.
My whole blog will not always be about abuse. I am also going to chronicle the painful parts of divorce. This is something that no one should choose unless they have very good reason. I can say that I examined every angle, counted every cost I could think of, and prayed at every step before I made the decision I made. Ultimately, the issue was forced and I was left with no other option. But, I had thought it through and prior to the final act of violence, had made the decision to keep trying to work out the other issues in our marriage. AND YET, there are costs that I did not even know I had to count, there is pain that I did not have any way to anticipate. There is also, and incredible amount of good that has happened and is happening. This will be a blog about healing, about forgiveness, grace, freedom, life, and as always, there will be a lot of smiling.
Thanks for walking this road with me. I am truly honored to have you here.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support and encouragement to keep talking. This is an issue that I am passionate about, to the core of my being. I thank God that I have the freedom (and I might as well thank all the soldiers that are fighting for that freedom) to speak out. I thank God that Dawn encouraged me to start this blog and that already it is making a difference, people are stopping to think, and engage on this topic of domestic violence.
My whole blog will not always be about abuse. I am also going to chronicle the painful parts of divorce. This is something that no one should choose unless they have very good reason. I can say that I examined every angle, counted every cost I could think of, and prayed at every step before I made the decision I made. Ultimately, the issue was forced and I was left with no other option. But, I had thought it through and prior to the final act of violence, had made the decision to keep trying to work out the other issues in our marriage. AND YET, there are costs that I did not even know I had to count, there is pain that I did not have any way to anticipate. There is also, and incredible amount of good that has happened and is happening. This will be a blog about healing, about forgiveness, grace, freedom, life, and as always, there will be a lot of smiling.
Thanks for walking this road with me. I am truly honored to have you here.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Truth and myths
So, I received an anonymous comment on my blog. It is there for everyone to see, but I thought that I would address it. I must say, I have had two weeks to think about it, due to my forced silence (thank you again AT&T)
"Beka, As curious as I am about all you've been through and your personal journey, I fear you will regret making this such a public forum. Before more private details are devulged, I'm worried that the public nature of your blog is a further breech of your children's privacy and their childhood. Haven't they been through enough already?
I fully support your decision to blog, but could you not reap the same benefit blogging anonymously? Why do this publically? Love to you and yours... "
Now, on the one hand, this is a completely honest comment. It did indeed cause me to stop and think about what I am doing and saying. I also think this comment reveals a lot about the issue of domestic violence and the lies and secrets that are kept that people do not understand even now. I think that there is a great deal of naivete in the premise of this person's concern. Not sure what I mean? Well, let me explain.
First (I will take this in order of statement), for those who really know me, you have probably figured out that there is very little that I hold back. I am pretty open... and yet, how many who knew me had any idea what was going inside my house and my marriage? This reveals so much of why I am choosing to speak out in a public forum. I have had so many women confess to me that they are either currently in an abusive relationship or have been and had the courage to leave. They have told me this because I have been open about what I have experienced. They have said that they have not told anyone else. They are confused, hurting physically, emotionally, spiritually. They are afraid... and for the ones that had the strength and courage to leave the relationship, they are just relieved, but not sure anyone would really believe what they experienced. Did you know that 1 in 4 women are abused in some form in their relationship with their significant other? That is a lot of women that are struggling, Did you know that for many of those women they will suffer in silence? That breaks my heart personally. I know what it is to suffer in silence. For 6 very long years I did not tell a soul what was happening to me. It was not until my abuser told me he was going to kill me and described exactly how he would do it, that I was able to realize I had to tell someone. I was terrified and could no longer handle everything on my own. The stigma of admitting that you have been a victim to violence at the hands of the person you love is humiliating. I want to speak out. I want women who might be suffering this pain in silence and fear to know that they are not the only one. That abuse is not confined to the non-christian, the low income, the unintelligent.
As for my children's privacy and their childhood? Well, that has already been affected. They are suffering and will suffer the ramifications of what happened between their father and I for the rest of their lives. I am paying thousands of dollars for their therapy and my own... because we are all suffering. The day that I had to look at each of my children in the eye, separately and when the time came and they were ready and apologize to them for teaching them to keep secrets, for modeling for them how to stuff fear and pain and put on a front... was one of the worst days of my life. To realize that I had not modeled for them appropriate boundaries and proper self-respect, broke my heart. I hurt my babies as much as anything their father did to me. I had to take responsibility for that. My children have suffered greatly. They are fully aware of what was happening in our house. They saw more than even I realized. There is nothing I can do to take that away from them... but, I can begin to live differently. They have supported me so far in telling my story. They are aware of how hard we are all having to work to deal with the fallout from what has happened in our home and in our lives. They are not interested in reading my blog now, because frankly, I am the mom and that is how kids are. However, they know that I have chosen to open my mouth up about what has happened, and that I want to help others who might be suffering. They, too, do not want to see other families suffer and not know that there is help, there is an alternative, and that God is stronger than even the biggest abuser.
It is painful and humiliating at times to talk about what I have been through. It is even sadder to think that there is a woman or a child suffering that could be helped. I will not hide the freedom I have been given, and I will never back down from sharing my life openly... and if God can use my voice and my experience to help others... then I am here.
In the meantime, I will continue to pray for myself and my children and their father. I will continue to work on helping my children heal, and work towards my own healing. The true healer of my soul is God but I made decisions and choices that led to the brokenness in our lives, and I must work towards making new choices and learn new ways of behaving. But, I will do it out in the open. AND MAYBE, just maybe, God can use this for His glory.
"Beka, As curious as I am about all you've been through and your personal journey, I fear you will regret making this such a public forum. Before more private details are devulged, I'm worried that the public nature of your blog is a further breech of your children's privacy and their childhood. Haven't they been through enough already?
I fully support your decision to blog, but could you not reap the same benefit blogging anonymously? Why do this publically? Love to you and yours... "
Now, on the one hand, this is a completely honest comment. It did indeed cause me to stop and think about what I am doing and saying. I also think this comment reveals a lot about the issue of domestic violence and the lies and secrets that are kept that people do not understand even now. I think that there is a great deal of naivete in the premise of this person's concern. Not sure what I mean? Well, let me explain.
First (I will take this in order of statement), for those who really know me, you have probably figured out that there is very little that I hold back. I am pretty open... and yet, how many who knew me had any idea what was going inside my house and my marriage? This reveals so much of why I am choosing to speak out in a public forum. I have had so many women confess to me that they are either currently in an abusive relationship or have been and had the courage to leave. They have told me this because I have been open about what I have experienced. They have said that they have not told anyone else. They are confused, hurting physically, emotionally, spiritually. They are afraid... and for the ones that had the strength and courage to leave the relationship, they are just relieved, but not sure anyone would really believe what they experienced. Did you know that 1 in 4 women are abused in some form in their relationship with their significant other? That is a lot of women that are struggling, Did you know that for many of those women they will suffer in silence? That breaks my heart personally. I know what it is to suffer in silence. For 6 very long years I did not tell a soul what was happening to me. It was not until my abuser told me he was going to kill me and described exactly how he would do it, that I was able to realize I had to tell someone. I was terrified and could no longer handle everything on my own. The stigma of admitting that you have been a victim to violence at the hands of the person you love is humiliating. I want to speak out. I want women who might be suffering this pain in silence and fear to know that they are not the only one. That abuse is not confined to the non-christian, the low income, the unintelligent.
As for my children's privacy and their childhood? Well, that has already been affected. They are suffering and will suffer the ramifications of what happened between their father and I for the rest of their lives. I am paying thousands of dollars for their therapy and my own... because we are all suffering. The day that I had to look at each of my children in the eye, separately and when the time came and they were ready and apologize to them for teaching them to keep secrets, for modeling for them how to stuff fear and pain and put on a front... was one of the worst days of my life. To realize that I had not modeled for them appropriate boundaries and proper self-respect, broke my heart. I hurt my babies as much as anything their father did to me. I had to take responsibility for that. My children have suffered greatly. They are fully aware of what was happening in our house. They saw more than even I realized. There is nothing I can do to take that away from them... but, I can begin to live differently. They have supported me so far in telling my story. They are aware of how hard we are all having to work to deal with the fallout from what has happened in our home and in our lives. They are not interested in reading my blog now, because frankly, I am the mom and that is how kids are. However, they know that I have chosen to open my mouth up about what has happened, and that I want to help others who might be suffering. They, too, do not want to see other families suffer and not know that there is help, there is an alternative, and that God is stronger than even the biggest abuser.
It is painful and humiliating at times to talk about what I have been through. It is even sadder to think that there is a woman or a child suffering that could be helped. I will not hide the freedom I have been given, and I will never back down from sharing my life openly... and if God can use my voice and my experience to help others... then I am here.
In the meantime, I will continue to pray for myself and my children and their father. I will continue to work on helping my children heal, and work towards my own healing. The true healer of my soul is God but I made decisions and choices that led to the brokenness in our lives, and I must work towards making new choices and learn new ways of behaving. But, I will do it out in the open. AND MAYBE, just maybe, God can use this for His glory.
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