Tonight I am exhausted. It is not a physical tiredness, although that is there. I am emotionally worn out. I am spiritually wasted.
This week has been wave after wave of mess. About the time I thought I could handle the wave, and "feel", something else would happen.
I have been terrified this week and had to re-trust God. I have had to deal with normal problems and crazy abnormal problems. I have done all of that. At no point this week did I give up, revert back to learned helplessness. I knew who to call to help with the next problem. But, so many issues this week. I am empty.
There were some good things that happened this week, but right this second, they are not dominant.
Underlying the busy-ness and emotional roller coaster is a loneliness that I became aware of. I will try and describe it.
When you are single and raising children, the weight of everything is on your shoulders. Now, hopefully, even divorced parents can work together for the sake of their children, but let's face it... that is not my reality. All of the decisions, all of the problems, even the fun is my responsibility. If there is emotional drama... you still have a house to clean and children to feed and listen to.
But more than just not having hands to help with the work, it's deeper. I was codependent in my marriage. I was sure I could not survive without him. Now, I see I can survive and even thrive. But at the end of the night, when I go to bed, there is no one else. There are no words of encouragement, no sweet kisses to remind me this will pass. No arms around me to let me know I am not alone, or at least hold me together when I fall apart.
I know God is here, waiting to be my strength, my peace, my comforter. I know if I will simply trust Him with my heart, He will heal and make me stronger. He will protect and love me better than any other man.
For tonight though, I will feel the ache of loneliness, I will let my heart break from the onslaught this week has brought. I will let the tears fall, and I will finally admit... I am weak, I am tired, I am frightened. Even in this though, I know who to run to. I am lonely and sad and broken tonight, but I will remember that my crying is for tonight. I am promised that joy comes in the morning. I just hope it literally (and not figuratively) means tomorrow morning.
Nehemiah 8:10... The joy of the Lord is your strength...
So, bring it on.
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