My Passion

I do not routinely use this blog for my own personal soapbox, but I am going out on a limb today. I am going to be as blunt as I have ever been. So, strap on your seatbelts.... Here it comes. 

What are the acceptable limits for behavior between spouses and parents to children? What constitutes domestic violence? I absolutely promise I am not going to give you a full answer here... but I am going to do my best. 

Today I got a message from someone that told me her husband pulled his fist on their daughter. There is no way to describe what is happening in me right now. I will not even try. I will say, THAT IS NEVER, EVER ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. There is no excuse, there is no justification, there is no grace to be applied. It does not happen. 

People, I have a child that is quickly approaching the teen years. I have looked at that same child and asked him where my child has gone to. He looked right back at me and said "I CHANGED." He is right, he has changed. I have another pre-teen. He rolls his eyes and sighs like the world is coming to an end just because I asked him to empty the dishwasher. My children (including the 3 year old) routinely talk back to me. It drives me bananas. They can be rude at times, disrespectful, ungodly to the nth degree. They can be embarrassing. I get phone calls from teachers telling me about inappropriate comments, bad grades, the whole gamut. That is just not one of my favorite parts of parenting. They are a pain in the neck sometimes. They take every ounce of patience I have at times. They push me to every known limit I have sometimes. Somedays I tell them at the end of the day that the only reason we all survived that day is because I want grandchildren. THE TRUTH, that is borderline threatening and intimidating talk. We have all been there as parents. But, as bad as they can be there is NEVER EVER a reason for me to strike my child in anger. I am even going to go out on a limb here and say that slapping a child in the face IS ABUSE. When my children were babies I instituted a rule with their father, because I was afraid of his anger. I will say, for all the pain he caused me, he abided by this rule that I set. This is it, when it comes to discipline we have a set pattern. 

1. We do not discipline right away until we are calm and have given full explanation to the child. 

2.  Even if there is to be a spanking we tell the child how many strikes they will receive with the paddle. It is never more than 5. 

3. Each strike is given one at a time and with warning. The child has a chance to regroup between each strike. Now, I will say that the average is 2-3 strikes with the wooden spoon. I NEVER SPANK MY CHILDREN WITH MY HAND. For me, it is about letting my hands be instruments of love. 

4. There is an explanation of why the discipline is enforced at the beginning. At the end, there is instruction on how the behavior is expected to change. This is followed up by a conversation in which love is reassured. Comfort is given. Broken bridges are restored. AND IT ALL ENDS WITH A HUG.

I do not say this to say that every family needs to do it this way. But, this is the way that my family has been able to obey the line between discipline and not disciplining in anger. At the same time, a spanking is the absolute last resort. There are so many things I can do before that. I can give time outs to my three year old. I can take privileges away from my older children. They can flat out go to their rooms if necessary. But, there is never, ever an excuse for a parent to pull a fist, use an open hand to slap, or in any other way physically harm a child in anger. 

CONSEQUENTLY, there is never, ever a reason for a husband to hit his wife or use any form of physical harm. EVER. It just is not ever necessary. (And in the rare circumstance, for a wife to hit her husband). 

If your husband hits you, pulls a fist on you but stops short and then says "I could have but I didn't," IT IS ABUSE. If the stand over you and make you afraid, IT IS ABUSE. If they throw items at you, near you, wipe stuff off counters, or tear up any of your personal property, IT IS ABUSE. If your spouse or significant other slaps, hits, spits, bites, chokes, kicks, grabs, twists, trips, restrains or pulls any form of weapon on you, IT IS ABUSE. 

If you have faced or are facing this situation as the victim  what do you do? YOU TALK TO SOMEONE RIGHT NOW. Email me, talk to a friend or family member. Talk to your pastor. And if they brush you off or minimize your pain or fear, talk to someone else. 

If you are the parent or the abuser, TALK TO SOMEONE. You are losing control of yourself, and IT MUST STOP. You are the only one that can get the help you need to confront the anger, rage, and pain inside of you. There are people to help, and you do not have to stay stuck in that angry place. 

I will close with this.... What does real love look like? What does it mean to say "I love you" to your spouse, partner or significant other, mother, father, sister, brother or child? 

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 (New Living Translation) 

Now, for the person that reads this and has been hurt and only sees v. 7 and feels that they have some responsibility to live that verse out? That is wrong thinking. I did it, I fell for it, I believed it. But you have the right to demand that kind of love and you have the responsibility to give that kind of love.... from a distance if you have to. BUT, you never, ever have to be hurt in any physical way. GOD IS NOT ASKING THAT FROM YOU. That is not love. IT IS ABUSE. 

Still standing

Right now I am listening to a song called "Keep Breathing" by Kerrie Roberts. It is a good song. That is where this title of this blog popped in my head, I am pretty sure. :)

I am going to speak directly to the abused woman now. This blog might help others... but this is a specific message to the woman that is thinking about leaving. Are you wondering if it will be worth it? Do you think about how to face what life might look like if you leave? Are you afraid that you can't handle it? What is your biggest fear? Name it. Say it out loud.

Let me tell you the truth. It is going to be hard. Leaving is hard, surviving is hard, healing is hard. But, it is worth it. There are days that you will feel like you might drown under the strain. There will be days that you feel such unparalleled joy and life and passion that you want to cry from the beauty.

I am going through such a time right now. From moment to moment it seems that I am facing both extremes. My abuser is working really hard to make my life a living hell.... he did that all through our marriage. Each time he amped up the pressure I would eventually buckle. I knew that if I did not, there would be punishment that was not worth continuing to stand up to him. So, in my weakness, or in my giving up, or in my survival, I would eventually buckle. I would accept his point of view, give up my fight for what I wanted, needed or believed. This time though... this time I am not backing down. I had to have an emergency session with my therapist today. WHY? Because I am in unchartered territory and I don't know what to expect. The pressure has been pretty intense. But, each time he pushes, and expects me to give up, back down... lay down the fight, I am choosing not to. I have another court hearing in October. I do not want to have to deal with this, it is tiresome, annoying, anything but pleasurable. But I am not willing to lay down the fight. I am not fighting for myself. I am fighting because my kids need to know they are worth fighting for. They need to see that no one has to give up and let someone else call the shots. The financial pressure we have been facing in these last few months could have been avoided. That is what I found out yesterday. He has chosen to punish me financially. BUT, I will not let him get away with his bullying. We are worth it.

This is the other side of the coin. You are not alone. My friends, my family, my lawyer, my therapist, and my God are standing with me. My electricity did not get shut off because someone loved me and my children that much. My lawyer is going to bat for me because he sees the truth. My family and my friends keep me standing. They make me laugh when I want to cry. My therapist keeps me living in reality. She gives me the tools I need to continue to stand. And when, at the end of the day, I am alone... and I think that I am to weak, God is there with me. He whispers the truth.

So, when I said that there are the tough times and the good times... what did I mean?

I have a job I love. I am so proud of myself for making a goal, pursuing it, and doing a good job. I have people around me that make my life so amazing. I have children that keep me laughing (and cause a few gray hairs). These children are amazing in their capacity to live life. And, the coolest part... dreams that I have had for years, things I have wanted to accomplish, but it just never worked out... are almost falling into my lap now.

I have shared the story of losing my son. This week I received an email from my old bible study leader (she is not old, just we have moved on from that bible study... ) and she forwarded me some information that made her think of me... something she thought I might want to be involved in. It is a support group that is forming here in Gainesville to reach out to families that have lost babies... They are just starting, and they need volunteers. Guess what? I am going to get involved. I am so excited. I don't know right now how I will be involved, or what they need from me. I will know more tomorrow. This I do know, I understand that pain and that loss, I have a lot of compassion to give in this area, and now, it will be put to use.

So, if you are thinking about leaving your abusive situation. If you are wondering what life will look like when the dust settles? Well, I can't tell you that, the dust has not settled yet. But, I can tell you this. There are highs and lows, there is excitement and fear. There will be tears and laughter. But, it is always worth it. You might lose somethings. I lost material comfort. I lost "status." I lost some of the things that society tells us we need. However, I also lost degradation, violence, insecurity. I found freedom, life, laughter, love. I even found a messy house. (Not always). I found wisdom, my ability to breathe life in and out, my joy, my tears... I found my ability to feel. The secret dreams that I have had, that I did not tell anyone about, that even my husband never cared to know about, they are happening. So, face your fears, say it out loud, but speak out your dreams. List all of the secret things you want to do with your life, with your brain, with your heart or your hands. It is not to late. Your life is not over. You are not destined to live unfulfilled.

I am not years down the road, I do not know what our life will look like even a year from now. I do know one thing though. I am finally living with no regrets. And that my dear, is worth everything.

A New Day...

I went yesterday for my new hire physical at the hospital. To explain how excited I am is almost impossible to put into words. But, of course, I will try. ;)

When I met my abuser I was working in a hospital and in college. I worked full time, took a full time load of classes, and still managed to be involved in extra curricular classes. Don't ask me how, I don't remember. I must not have slept much. I was a good employee, I loved my job, my co workers, (for those of you who do not know me, I have a tendency to make really great friendships every where I go.) I was 20 hours short of graduating from college. I started dating the man I married. Somehow, slowly, things changed. I was still a good employee, but, he began to criticize my co workers, or question whether or not I was being faithful. One time he came to the hospital to see me, and happened to see a guy that he thought was flirting with me. He challenged him, and they almost got in a fight. The change happened so gradually, but I began to limit myself, I changed my behavior so that I could not possibly be perceived as flirting with anyone. I was less trusting of my friends, co-workers, roommates, etc. That is one thing that abusers do, they create a mentality of "it's us against them". We got married, moved to Florida, I never graduated. Yes, I was promised that I could finish, but, there was never money, or then we had children, or.... the list goes on.

I had jobs during our marriage. And yet, at each one, I was never able to fully enjoy myself. There was always a criticism of my faithfulness. So with each question of faithfulness I would become even more careful of my behavior around men. Then there was the criticism that I spent to much time focused on work, and was not meeting his needs. So, I redoubled my efforts to be more balanced in attending to his needs. I would challenge him at times and point out that he was not supportive, or that he was putting to much pressure on me. That got me nowhere. As the pressure mounted at home, my work suffered. I hate to admit this,  but, I did not give my best to my employers because the verbal and emotional abuse would intensify. I am ashamed now that I dishonored myself by not being able to be the employee I could have been. But, it is the truth and I am facing the truth. I ended up leaving every job when I could no longer take the pressure and he would tell me that I could stay home and just be a mom. Now, I love being a mom, I always wanted to be able to stay home with my children. That is my most important job. So, on the one hand, I am very thankful that I did have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom for the most part. Yet, I never felt comfortable with the control. I hated being dependent on him financially. I hated that I could not spend money unless it was at the grocery store without a tongue lashing. That is another part of the cycle of abuse. Make your victim dependent on you for finances, limit their relationships so that they depend on you for their relational needs, then criticize them for being to needy. It is a vicious cycle.

Fast forward to today... and my excitement. For 14 years I was told I had no ambition, I was lazy, that I was a sloth. However, I now realize that was just more of the lie. The truth is, I have a dream and a plan. I want to go to nursing school. I know I will love being a nurse and giving to other people. To be able to go to nursing school, I wanted to get a job at the hospital because they have scholarships that will help pay for nursing school. SO, I have worked, and prayed, and networked. With the help of my amazing friends, I have interviewed at hospitals near and far. But, I wanted to work at the hospital near me. I interviewed with one woman and she gave me great advice on being more forward about my intention to go to nursing school. My hairdresser talked to some of her clients and they said "just keep calling HR", so I did. My girlfriends said "call and talk to the manager of my department" so I did. And, through it all.... God opened doors and closed others. Now, I am going to start working at the hospital. My plan is happening. My dream is going to come true. I am not doing this alone, God is definitely going before me. For one position that they advertise at the hospital, they will have over 300 applicants. It is not easy to get a job there. I have been trying for years. But, God, in His infinite wisdom and timing, has allowed the right doors to open at the time when I needed them to.

Here is the part I am most excited about. I will get to give my best to my employer, my co workers, the people that I come into contact with. I have begun to realize the extent of the lies... and now I realize, I just have to be who I am. There is nothing wrong with me (well except for the fact that I am human, and that is exactly how I am supposed to be). I will still be able to be a mom to my children. I will work 12 hour shifts in the middle of the night. I will go to school during the day, I will still try and be available to my kids. Yes, the next couple of years are going to be tough, and exhausting. No one said it would be easy. But, I can do this. I am a hard worker, I am not afraid. I am thrilled beyond belief to be able to start back over. It is ironic that I am going to be back in the same environment where so much of my life got sidetracked. But, this time, I have learned valuable lessons, and I am still learning. This time, I will stay on track. This time, I will use the sense God gave me. And for the first time in 16 years, I will give my best to my employer when I am at work, I will give my best to my kids when I am at home. I will give my best to my classes when they start. It will take a lot of living in the moment, but I am pretty good at that. The truth is, I am thrilled beyond belief because my life is not over. My dreams that I had given up on, and stuffed way down deep, they are alive. The reality is, my biggest fear before leaving him was that I could not do this. But, the truth is... I AM DOING THIS. Real living, you know the kind of living that is messy, sweet, beautiful, disastrous, painful, difficult, full of joy... you know that kind of living... it feels great.