In the aftermath...

So, I have had a little time to process what happened at our FINAL final hearing on Monday. Yesterday, I was just kind of numb. By the end of the day, reality had started to sink in just a little. Today, I feel amazing.

I had no idea I could feel like this again. I feel like my life has been given back to me. These past 8 months have been such a journey. I remember the complete terror I felt when I made my final decision. I knew the statistics on what happens when someone actually tries to leave her abuser. I did not really know what to expect from him. I remember for about a month or so, I felt like I could not breathe. I could not even imagine what was going to happen in the next few months. I could not envision freedom. All I knew was I HAD to take this step, as terrifying as it was. My children and I deserved more.

I remember the nights of not sleeping, the anxiety attacks that seemed to hold me hostage and intensify my fear. I remember also the new habits I learned to counteract my fear. The day that my therapist did some guided imagery with me. I went from not being able to sit still and breathe properly... to imagining myself running to Jesus (on the beach) and He held me in His arms. He told me how much He loved me. By the time it was done, I was completely calm, strengthened. And, from that point on, I was able to sleep without medicine to help.

I remember each time that I had no idea where to turn, how to handle the next situation.... someone would come along and help. The day that I filed the TPO (Temporary Protection Order) I remember thinking, I don't know how to navigate this. I have no idea what to do, I don't know who to turn to. Each day, God provided the right friend, the right encouragement, the right therapist for me and the right therapist for my children, and just as importantly, God provided the perfect lawyer. Each step of this journey I have not taken alone. As I began to open up and tell others what my home life had been like (only a couple of people knew even part of the truth) I met friends who had experienced some of the pain I had experienced. All of the sudden more of my friend's than I cared to admit told me their story of the marriage they left, and how God had helped them.

Today, the memories of the last 8 months are flooding my mind. Each friend, each prayer, each song, each email or text that encouraged me and kept me moving forward. Were there days when I felt like I could not keep fighting? Yes. I felt so often like David going up against the giant, Goliath. Yet, along the way, God stepped in, in sometimes miraculous ways, and reminded me that it was just a man, and that man was not bigger than God.

So, here I am. This chapter has ended. Reality has started to sink in. I am free. I feel like thousands of pounds have fallen off my shoulders. I feel like I have been given back years of my life. I feel so much excitement at what the future holds. Will there be tough moments? Absolutely. Will there be hard days? Ummm, Yes. Will I have regrets? I don't think so. When I look at the picture of his finger marks on my neck... or when I remember the times of him choking me and starting to black out and the fear that he would end my life and who would raise my children? No, I don't think I will have regrets. When I remember the shame and humiliation of his words and actions.... No, I don't think I will have regrets.

Someday, I hope God brings a man into my life who will love me deeply, truly, tenderly. I hope that my children get to see what it looks like when a man really loves his wife. Someday, I hope I get to help another woman that is where I have been. I hope that I can be the friend, the encourager, the help that she needs. Because I have walked that road, and I did not walk it alone. I want to help others not walk that road alone.

Proverbs 29 mentions that the earth cannot bear up under a married woman who is unloved. That is how I felt. I wanted his love, I craved his love. But, it was not there. Today, I feel loved. Not by a man, but, by my Lord, my family, my friends. Life has been restored to me. Joy has been restored to me. Hope and excitement and even pleasure have been restored. I am beginning to feel again. For today, I will let myself feel the absolute, unadulterated joy and pleasure that I get to live.

Feelings

So, my therapist has been working with me on breaking through and actually letting my feelings happen. I have stuffed (for those of you who do not live in the counseling world, that means I push my feelings down, ignore them, do not deal with them properly, and then all of the emotions come out at very odd moments in some odd ways). Can I just tell you, the war between actually beginning to let go and feel and to keep doing it the way you have been doing it... well, that is quite a struggle.

Turns out this week, I am actually angry. (Again, apparently, I am now beginning to feel and will need to grieve some things I thought I had already worked through). In fact, I am really angry. I am angry at the man that broke my heart. I am angry that I wasted years of my life waiting and hoping he would become the person I thought he was, the person I believed him to be. I am angry that so much was taken from me. My dreams and my plans. In my dreams, we would find a way to become the people that God intended. We would both choose to love and not be selfish, to give and not take... and in so doing, we would see amazing things that could happen to benefit the world around us. We would hold hands at the weddings of our children and remember fondly all the years of their childhood. We would laugh together at the cute things our grandchildren would do one day. We would grow old together, we would take care of each other through health and sickness. We would look back and laugh at the difficult times, because they had not been able to tear us apart. We would love the God who changed us and made us better people.

Instead, that is not reality. Reality is, one man decided that I was not worth pursuing. He chose to pursue other people and things... reality is, I was forced to make a decision that I never wanted to make. I HATE THE REALITY SOMETIMES.

Has good come out of my choices already? Absolutely. Has pain and suffering come out of my choices? Yes. But, healing of my body, mind and soul are happening. Healing for my children is happening. We are together learning a new way of living. We are learning how to have real, open, honest communication. We are learning how to love, what love looks like and feels like even on a difficult day. We are learning how to express ourselves, and not hide from our pain. So, yes, good things are happening, good things are going to come to us. But for today, as I look at the dreams that I have to let go of, the hopes and plans for my children (which did not include bouncing back and forth between two parents), I grieve. I feel my anger, I feel my hurt, my pain, my rejection... and at some point today I will choose to let it go... I will ask God to apply more grace to my heart. I will thank God for the mercy that brought me out of the hell I was living in. But, I will also pray that tomorrow I wake up with more strength. I will look forward to the new dreams and hopes and plans that will come. I will be open and wait to see what happens, I will not live shut down anymore. I will try not to eat sweets to make my heart feel better either. (Just had to throw that one in there).

Today, it is a roller coaster... I am on that slow upward climb, there is anticipation, fear, joy, the feeling that you are about to have no control whatsoever... and I will look forward to reaching the top of this particular loop of the roller coaster... and maybe in a day or two, I will feel the pure joy of letting go and flying down the hill. I will feel the wind in my hair, the smile on my face will be from ear to ear... and I will laugh, because it is worth the climb up, to fly back down.

I survived it...

Ha. You thought this was going to be a deep, moving blog didn't you? NOT...

Let me just tell you what I survived. Last night my daughter, Ella, kept saying she did not "feel dood." Now, you must know that Ella might be one of the youngest hypochondriacs I know. If anyone else has a headache, tummy ache, backache, or any kind of ache... so does Ella. It has been cause for much laughter when she comes up with whatever new ailment she heard someone mention. Well, Curt was not feeling good last night either (his exact words "I don't feel good"). So, I assumed Ella was just parroting. Hmm, I assumed wrongly. About 11:30 last night she started vomiting. Which means... I started gagging and dry heaving (thank God for diets which keep less food in your stomach.) Why would I do such a thing? because I am a sympathetic vomiter. Apparently my body believes nobody should vomit alone. Yup... it is one of those nice things I do for people. Ella managed to get her lovely puke all over my freshly laundered bedding, herself, her blankie, pretty much everywhere. So, at midnight, there I am, starting laundry, holding a crying child, dry heaving myself... and being the mom. At some point though I started to giggle. Why you ask? I will tell you, I started to giggle because this was one of my greatest fears in becoming a single mom. I have always been terrified of my children vomiting. I can handle the blood, the guts, the broken bones... even the dirty diapers... all the gross stuff that kids bring. I HATE vomit (because of aforementioned empathy on my part). Here I was, surviving it. I did not actually vomit myself (usually I do). I was able to get the laundry going, I was able to take care of all that had to be taken care of. I DID IT. 

A couple of weeks ago I fixed my dryer by myself. You heard me, BY MYSELF. It all started when some laundry had fallen behind the dryer. In trying to get that out (so glad no one took a picture of that), I knocked the pipe/tube thing that connects the dryer to the wall. Immediately I called my dad. I mean who else do you call right? He came over... told me it was worse than I thought. I would need a whole new tube because somehow the original one had gotten kinked, bent, messed up somehow. He told me what to get at Home Depot and how to attach it. So, I went to the place that I never shop at alone (unless I am buying paint or gardening supplies.) The very nice man, Oscar, told me what to get and what to do when I got home. Funny, he said the same thing my dad did. I went home, pulled the dryer out, immediately started cleaning and was so glad no repair man was there to see all the dirt and dust. Then, bit by frustrating bit, with several phone calls to a friend to talk me through what I was supposed to be doing, I fixed the dryer by myself. Can I just tell you? My dryer works even better now than it did. I was having to dry loads twice and was convinced I would need a new dryer. Not anymore. Apparently a kink or a bend in those tube thingy's makes a big difference in the effectiveness of that particular appliance.  That was another big fear. What if things break and I can't handle them? I know, I know... I can hear sane women all over the place fussing at me. But, let me tell you just a little more.

It is a principle called Learned Helplessness. For more years than I want to remember I was told that I could not do anything right, that I did not know how to think logically, that I could not handle even the little things. Literally... those and many others were the words that were used. Over the years, it tore me down and I really began to believe that I could not take care of myself and my children without the one man that could stand me. I began to believe I had no other choices. It is a scary place to be... to believe that you cannot live without someone that may or may not stick around... and that person reminds you often that they don't really love you, they are just honoring the commitment they made, but, in reality, you have totally ruined that person's life and chance at real happiness.  It stinks to live in that place. But, I ended up there. Now, I am college educated, I am reasonably intelligent, I have a lot going for me in a couple of areas... but, I truly began to believe that I could not live without one person. Fear held me back from looking at my choices. (There will be another blog later on the power of our words)... but, thanks to a wonderful therapist who has been confronting me on my issues... I now see what has been happening. AND, I see that I have choices. Not only that, but as I face little and big things that I was afraid of, and I survive it, and I don't buckle under the pressure, I am finding that I can do infinitely more than I ever thought I could. It is exciting. All of the sudden I feel like the whole world has opened up before me. There are so many things I can try, I might succeed. Do I still fall into the trap of thinking that I am helpless... sometimes, yes. But, it is less and less as bit by bit I am conquering the things I was afraid of. 

Oh, and I have also found out I don't have to do stuff alone. There are family and friends that are willing to help... but, they are also willing to encourage me that I can do this. They do not have to sweep in and save the day... they can talk me through while I learn how to solve something on my own. It is one of the greatest gifts I have been given. That day that my dad told me how to fix it... was even better than fixing it for me. He affirmed his belief in me... WOW. 

Broken is beautiful

I have no idea why I never thought of blogging before. This morning on the radio Kevin and Taylor (104.7 WFSH) interviewed an author who was in the middle of writing a book on trusting God when his 5 year old daughter was diagnosed with cancer. He talked about the fact that he and his wife chose not to ask God why but to focus on who God is. That reminded me of the sermon series Dr. Tom Smiley (Lakewood Baptist Church) has been doing on Job. As Job sat in his loss he listened to his friends as they focused on the why. However, as he sat and listened and thought... and thought... and questioned and then heard from God... he realized there would not be an answer to the why. Because God does not owe us an explanation. In total understanding Job instead chose to focus on the Who. He would not love and be faithful to God based on God's behavior towards him. He, Job, would instead choose to love, be faithful, serve, and praise the God who was, simply because He was... GOD.

As I drove down the road I realized that takes a lot of brokenness. To get to the point where you say, it is not about me... we tend to live our lives in the complete opposite.

Yet, I have to say that there is an amazing beauty in brokenness. When I say brokenness, I mean the place where you realize you don't have the answers, you don't know the questions, you don't have the strength, you don't have the ability... in that moment when you realize that there is nothing left for you to do, there is no way to fix your problems, there is no way to escape the pain... what do you do? IF you choose to reach out to the God who gives and takes away, IF you choose to let yourself be moved out of the way then beauty comes in. There is something strong and powerful about people that can stand up when things are tough around them. For the person that just never gives up no matter what, sometimes out of pure determination, there is something admirable about that. BUT, when you can no longer do those things, when your strength and determination have come to an end, and all you know is you no longer have what it takes... and IF you choose to turn to God and let Him be your lover, your healer, your provider.

I remember one night, I was terrified. I could not sleep, I felt so alone. I did not know how to answer the questions I had. I literally cried out to God and said... PLEASE HOLD ME. That night, I had a physical sensation of God taking me in His arms and leaning my head on His chest (like I do with my kids) and holding me. I went to sleep quickly and slept all night. I did not get an immediate answer to my questions... but, that night I was surrounded by something beautiful, even in the midst of ugliness, fear, anxiety. That is the beauty. It is not the answer, or the removal of the problem. The beauty is the God who gives... the God who loves us irrationally and never stops.

Welcome

So this morning I had breakfast with the woman that helped me as I started on this very long journey. It was great to catch up on some stuff that has happened in the last six months. She encouraged me to start a blog. I thought it was a great idea. :) I always have something to say. I am starting this blog for several different reasons. It is a great way to journal my thoughts, feelings and changes as they occur. I hope that maybe some women who have been afraid to talk will find out that they are not alone and find someone who will listen. I do hope that I will also be challenged by the people that read this. Send me your questions, thoughts, ideas.

Six months ago I finally found enough courage to leave my abusive marriage. I was married for 14 years. I currently am still technically married... for just a couple more weeks anyway. To say that it was the most difficult decision of my life is an understatement. I will talk more about that later. I will end up sharing the whole story along the way... I will include some of my journal entries, I will tell you all about this ordeal... but, in time.

I hope that as you follow along with this blog (I still can't believe I am doing this) that you will laugh, maybe cry if you feel the need, hear of God's grace and redemption. It is my deepest desire that if you know of a woman that is in a marriage that is hurtful to her or her children that you will find the courage to share with her that there is an alternative. God never intended for her to live that way. I do hope that women will find courage to make the wisest choice for themselves and their families.

On a more personal level, I am going to learn to be transparent. I am sweet, funny, a lover of God, a lover of people, opinionated, strong willed, fiery, not quiet at all.... I drink, sometimes a swear word flies out of my mouth, I am prone to speak and act before I think (although I am still trying to work on that). I am not going to hold back here. I am going to be exactly who God made me to be right now, and I am going to become who He is changing me into. Somedays I am not sure who I am going to be at the end of this journey of healing. But, I am excited.

For today, as I start this blog, the verse that keeps coming to mind is in Psalm 23: 2-3. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul..."