In the aftermath...

So, I have had a little time to process what happened at our FINAL final hearing on Monday. Yesterday, I was just kind of numb. By the end of the day, reality had started to sink in just a little. Today, I feel amazing.

I had no idea I could feel like this again. I feel like my life has been given back to me. These past 8 months have been such a journey. I remember the complete terror I felt when I made my final decision. I knew the statistics on what happens when someone actually tries to leave her abuser. I did not really know what to expect from him. I remember for about a month or so, I felt like I could not breathe. I could not even imagine what was going to happen in the next few months. I could not envision freedom. All I knew was I HAD to take this step, as terrifying as it was. My children and I deserved more.

I remember the nights of not sleeping, the anxiety attacks that seemed to hold me hostage and intensify my fear. I remember also the new habits I learned to counteract my fear. The day that my therapist did some guided imagery with me. I went from not being able to sit still and breathe properly... to imagining myself running to Jesus (on the beach) and He held me in His arms. He told me how much He loved me. By the time it was done, I was completely calm, strengthened. And, from that point on, I was able to sleep without medicine to help.

I remember each time that I had no idea where to turn, how to handle the next situation.... someone would come along and help. The day that I filed the TPO (Temporary Protection Order) I remember thinking, I don't know how to navigate this. I have no idea what to do, I don't know who to turn to. Each day, God provided the right friend, the right encouragement, the right therapist for me and the right therapist for my children, and just as importantly, God provided the perfect lawyer. Each step of this journey I have not taken alone. As I began to open up and tell others what my home life had been like (only a couple of people knew even part of the truth) I met friends who had experienced some of the pain I had experienced. All of the sudden more of my friend's than I cared to admit told me their story of the marriage they left, and how God had helped them.

Today, the memories of the last 8 months are flooding my mind. Each friend, each prayer, each song, each email or text that encouraged me and kept me moving forward. Were there days when I felt like I could not keep fighting? Yes. I felt so often like David going up against the giant, Goliath. Yet, along the way, God stepped in, in sometimes miraculous ways, and reminded me that it was just a man, and that man was not bigger than God.

So, here I am. This chapter has ended. Reality has started to sink in. I am free. I feel like thousands of pounds have fallen off my shoulders. I feel like I have been given back years of my life. I feel so much excitement at what the future holds. Will there be tough moments? Absolutely. Will there be hard days? Ummm, Yes. Will I have regrets? I don't think so. When I look at the picture of his finger marks on my neck... or when I remember the times of him choking me and starting to black out and the fear that he would end my life and who would raise my children? No, I don't think I will have regrets. When I remember the shame and humiliation of his words and actions.... No, I don't think I will have regrets.

Someday, I hope God brings a man into my life who will love me deeply, truly, tenderly. I hope that my children get to see what it looks like when a man really loves his wife. Someday, I hope I get to help another woman that is where I have been. I hope that I can be the friend, the encourager, the help that she needs. Because I have walked that road, and I did not walk it alone. I want to help others not walk that road alone.

Proverbs 29 mentions that the earth cannot bear up under a married woman who is unloved. That is how I felt. I wanted his love, I craved his love. But, it was not there. Today, I feel loved. Not by a man, but, by my Lord, my family, my friends. Life has been restored to me. Joy has been restored to me. Hope and excitement and even pleasure have been restored. I am beginning to feel again. For today, I will let myself feel the absolute, unadulterated joy and pleasure that I get to live.