Broken is beautiful

I have no idea why I never thought of blogging before. This morning on the radio Kevin and Taylor (104.7 WFSH) interviewed an author who was in the middle of writing a book on trusting God when his 5 year old daughter was diagnosed with cancer. He talked about the fact that he and his wife chose not to ask God why but to focus on who God is. That reminded me of the sermon series Dr. Tom Smiley (Lakewood Baptist Church) has been doing on Job. As Job sat in his loss he listened to his friends as they focused on the why. However, as he sat and listened and thought... and thought... and questioned and then heard from God... he realized there would not be an answer to the why. Because God does not owe us an explanation. In total understanding Job instead chose to focus on the Who. He would not love and be faithful to God based on God's behavior towards him. He, Job, would instead choose to love, be faithful, serve, and praise the God who was, simply because He was... GOD.

As I drove down the road I realized that takes a lot of brokenness. To get to the point where you say, it is not about me... we tend to live our lives in the complete opposite.

Yet, I have to say that there is an amazing beauty in brokenness. When I say brokenness, I mean the place where you realize you don't have the answers, you don't know the questions, you don't have the strength, you don't have the ability... in that moment when you realize that there is nothing left for you to do, there is no way to fix your problems, there is no way to escape the pain... what do you do? IF you choose to reach out to the God who gives and takes away, IF you choose to let yourself be moved out of the way then beauty comes in. There is something strong and powerful about people that can stand up when things are tough around them. For the person that just never gives up no matter what, sometimes out of pure determination, there is something admirable about that. BUT, when you can no longer do those things, when your strength and determination have come to an end, and all you know is you no longer have what it takes... and IF you choose to turn to God and let Him be your lover, your healer, your provider.

I remember one night, I was terrified. I could not sleep, I felt so alone. I did not know how to answer the questions I had. I literally cried out to God and said... PLEASE HOLD ME. That night, I had a physical sensation of God taking me in His arms and leaning my head on His chest (like I do with my kids) and holding me. I went to sleep quickly and slept all night. I did not get an immediate answer to my questions... but, that night I was surrounded by something beautiful, even in the midst of ugliness, fear, anxiety. That is the beauty. It is not the answer, or the removal of the problem. The beauty is the God who gives... the God who loves us irrationally and never stops.