Let me just tell you what I survived. Last night my daughter, Ella, kept saying she did not "feel dood." Now, you must know that Ella might be one of the youngest hypochondriacs I know. If anyone else has a headache, tummy ache, backache, or any kind of ache... so does Ella. It has been cause for much laughter when she comes up with whatever new ailment she heard someone mention. Well, Curt was not feeling good last night either (his exact words "I don't feel good"). So, I assumed Ella was just parroting. Hmm, I assumed wrongly. About 11:30 last night she started vomiting. Which means... I started gagging and dry heaving (thank God for diets which keep less food in your stomach.) Why would I do such a thing? because I am a sympathetic vomiter. Apparently my body believes nobody should vomit alone. Yup... it is one of those nice things I do for people. Ella managed to get her lovely puke all over my freshly laundered bedding, herself, her blankie, pretty much everywhere. So, at midnight, there I am, starting laundry, holding a crying child, dry heaving myself... and being the mom. At some point though I started to giggle. Why you ask? I will tell you, I started to giggle because this was one of my greatest fears in becoming a single mom. I have always been terrified of my children vomiting. I can handle the blood, the guts, the broken bones... even the dirty diapers... all the gross stuff that kids bring. I HATE vomit (because of aforementioned empathy on my part). Here I was, surviving it. I did not actually vomit myself (usually I do). I was able to get the laundry going, I was able to take care of all that had to be taken care of. I DID IT.
A couple of weeks ago I fixed my dryer by myself. You heard me, BY MYSELF. It all started when some laundry had fallen behind the dryer. In trying to get that out (so glad no one took a picture of that), I knocked the pipe/tube thing that connects the dryer to the wall. Immediately I called my dad. I mean who else do you call right? He came over... told me it was worse than I thought. I would need a whole new tube because somehow the original one had gotten kinked, bent, messed up somehow. He told me what to get at Home Depot and how to attach it. So, I went to the place that I never shop at alone (unless I am buying paint or gardening supplies.) The very nice man, Oscar, told me what to get and what to do when I got home. Funny, he said the same thing my dad did. I went home, pulled the dryer out, immediately started cleaning and was so glad no repair man was there to see all the dirt and dust. Then, bit by frustrating bit, with several phone calls to a friend to talk me through what I was supposed to be doing, I fixed the dryer by myself. Can I just tell you? My dryer works even better now than it did. I was having to dry loads twice and was convinced I would need a new dryer. Not anymore. Apparently a kink or a bend in those tube thingy's makes a big difference in the effectiveness of that particular appliance. That was another big fear. What if things break and I can't handle them? I know, I know... I can hear sane women all over the place fussing at me. But, let me tell you just a little more.
It is a principle called Learned Helplessness. For more years than I want to remember I was told that I could not do anything right, that I did not know how to think logically, that I could not handle even the little things. Literally... those and many others were the words that were used. Over the years, it tore me down and I really began to believe that I could not take care of myself and my children without the one man that could stand me. I began to believe I had no other choices. It is a scary place to be... to believe that you cannot live without someone that may or may not stick around... and that person reminds you often that they don't really love you, they are just honoring the commitment they made, but, in reality, you have totally ruined that person's life and chance at real happiness. It stinks to live in that place. But, I ended up there. Now, I am college educated, I am reasonably intelligent, I have a lot going for me in a couple of areas... but, I truly began to believe that I could not live without one person. Fear held me back from looking at my choices. (There will be another blog later on the power of our words)... but, thanks to a wonderful therapist who has been confronting me on my issues... I now see what has been happening. AND, I see that I have choices. Not only that, but as I face little and big things that I was afraid of, and I survive it, and I don't buckle under the pressure, I am finding that I can do infinitely more than I ever thought I could. It is exciting. All of the sudden I feel like the whole world has opened up before me. There are so many things I can try, I might succeed. Do I still fall into the trap of thinking that I am helpless... sometimes, yes. But, it is less and less as bit by bit I am conquering the things I was afraid of.
Oh, and I have also found out I don't have to do stuff alone. There are family and friends that are willing to help... but, they are also willing to encourage me that I can do this. They do not have to sweep in and save the day... they can talk me through while I learn how to solve something on my own. It is one of the greatest gifts I have been given. That day that my dad told me how to fix it... was even better than fixing it for me. He affirmed his belief in me... WOW.
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