How did this happen?

Haha, I found this old post that I had started and never published... Good times, good times.

My oldest son starts high school. My youngest daughter starts kindergarten. My middle son, you know, the one who never rocks the boat? His voice is changing. Puberty is happening. He is now exactly my height. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

I don't care what you say. I am just not old enough or ready enough for my son to enter high school. Or, my daughter, my long awaited for daughter... the special surprise in my life.... she is MOST DEFINITELY not starting kindergarten.

So, I have seriously cried tonight. Mostly? Well, I'm not sure I can really describe it all. I feel so inadequate at actually catching all of my emotions well. My children... they are beautiful. They are amazing, they are normal and broken human beings. BUT, they are beautiful. They are strong, they light up my world. They are unruffled by little things. They are unmoved by the inconsequential.

TONIGHT, my daughter and I got to spend quality time planning her wedding. She is 5. Well, almost, she will be 5 on Wednesday.  I was at the hairdresser's having my gray's covered. I brought her along so that the boys could have a break from babysitting all week while I was at work. Somehow, we ended up looking at a bridal magazine and talking weddings. She totally loves hot pink. She plans on wearing hot pink lipstick at her wedding.

My boys, they stayed home and waited for me to hit the grocery store after the hairdresser. That is what teenagers care about. And when I got home? We watched a show we all love. I managed to start crying over a sitcom. They laughed. All was right with the world.

But now I sit in my dining room and contemplate all that has happened and will happen in this next week. I cried today, not just because my oldest starts high school and my youngest starts kindergarten all in the same year. Um, hello, that does not happen for many. I cried today because I realize it is all going so fast. The school year flies by. The sports seasons fly by. I sit in rain, snow, heat and the dark. I watch basketball, football, track and field and ballet. I love it all. Every single second of each practice that I see, each performance that they give... I love it.

 I won't be able to share any more ultrasound pictures, or heartbeats on the monitors. I cannot recapture the moment of birth, that first cry, all those special moments. I won't have any other children. This is the first time that this reality has hit me hard. I am okay with it, but, there is a certain amount of bittersweetness that goes along with this part of life. I will never be able to live the fresh start of life again. Well, until I am a grandmother. Which, truth be told, better be a very long time from now. And yet, nothing stops me from the silly teary eyed moments of being a mom. You know, the ones where your kids look at you and think you are crazy. Your teenagers roll their eyes. Your baby actually still kisses you in return. Oh God, I love this. I love every single crazy, bizarre, painful, exciting moment. I love them all.

My sweet babies are growing up and I can't stop that. But, I am here for the ride. I am documenting the memories, and I am remembering the past.

I walked my oldest son to his kindergarten class. By Friday, I will walk my final baby to her first day
of class. Oh, did I mention I don't know how this happened? I am pretty sure more is to come.

Frankly, how much humor is to be found in one child in elementary school, one child in middle school and one child in high school. AND I'M A SINGLE MOM? Laughing all the way to the non-filled bank.

What I am learning about love

February 10, 2013

It is almost that time that I really don't care for any longer. The only good thing about the approaching day is it is my Papa's birthday and I really love him a lot. But, I have been learning and thinking and reflecting.... and oh yeah, I have to post a blog or the blog man-in-charge will delete all my stuff altogether. So, I might as well blog again.

What I am learning about love? Before you get to crazy, I am not just referring to romantic love... all kinds of love, friendship love (for those well versed christians among us that is the phileo love), the eros (try and figure out what that refers to) and the down deep, satisfies your soul, leaves you more whole than broken kind of love.

First, it is real. Love exists. It is not just a feeling. There has to be some emotion, some connection, some kind of feeling to even get you interested in sharing love with another person. Let's face it... we just don't connect with every living being in the universe. I don't even like all cats. But, love is not just a feeling. It is a choice, it is an action, it is a feeling. It has to have all three components. But, because God is, at His very essence, LOVE, then love does exist and is all around us.

Second, love can devastate us. Love can come into our life slowly, or unexpectedly. But, the minute we embrace it, it has the power to devastate us. I could theologically dissect this all day long, but, I won't for now.

Love can heal us. I do want to dissect this a little more. Since God is love, of course love can heal us. He is also a healer... he is close to the broken hearted, you know, all that good stuff. But, to break it down a little, it is the people that we choose to entrust ourselves to that can devastate or be a channel of healing as well.

Whether it is the friends I spend my precious free time with, or a man I choose to date or my family who I don't see every day but I don't have to doubt or question their love for me... when I open up my heart and let someone in, I am finding that there is some healing that happens. Each moment that I spend with my God, there is ultimate healing that happens in those moments. One thing I am enjoying is finding how love, in all its forms changes and reveals more of myself to me.

The one lesson I am learning? I get to choose. I can choose whether to allow love in, or protect myself. Just like God gave me the free will to choose Him or not choose Him, I have the free will to choose love or not. I have gone through times in the last three years in which I chose to close off and protect. I chose not to allow love in. Those were difficult and dark times, but I learned a lot. I closed myself off to even my closest friends. It was my choice. But, the day came when I realized I was not satisfied with that. Yes, there needed to be some protection for a while to get back to some kind of even keel, but, I could not stay there. Now, there are times that I choose not to let someone in, an acquaintance will simply remain an acquaintance, a friend does not get to come further into the next circle, a date does not get to know anything about the real me. But, I also choose to let the opposite happen, when I see that there is something inside a person that warrants my time, my attention and my trust.

I am still learning a lot. I don't have this all figured out. Let's face it, my blog, in some ways, is my journal that I choose to share. I will continue to learn more about love, about people and about the very Creator of Love. I am really looking forward to those lessons.

I do know there are two things that I would tell my children right now, after learning what I have learned up to this point.

1. God created love, let love in. Let Him in. Allow yourself to be stretched. In that you will find out more about yourself, who you are, who God created you to be. You will find an incredible capacity to learn, to expand, and to live wider, deeper and truer by allowing love to be in your life.

2. You have the choice. So when you choose to let a person in, do it with the understanding that they are not God. They might let you down, they might hurt you, they might leave you wounded. And if the day comes that a person leaves you broken beyond recognition, forgive. You can choose to keep toxic things or people out of your life... but always forgive. Never ever close yourself off to God. He will start the healing... and then He will bring others into your life that will help continue the healing. He will always finish the healing one day as well. Whether it is your friend, (God forbid) your mother, or your lover... God will bring the healing, if you keep choosing love. Your really just choosing life and choosing Him. But, it's almost VD so I can say choose love. But, at the very same moment that a person can cause damage, God can also use other people to restore faith in humanity, to restore hope, and to bring a whole lot of laughter and contentment.

Oh the theological parallels that are running through my head, but there is not enough room here. Suffice to say, God and Love are so intertwined that they cannot be separated. And God and people are so intertwined that we cannot be separated. Never think that today is the sum total. Life is ever changing, always forcing us to make the choice to grow and become boring. I am not going to choose boring.

Not what I expected

So, today was supposed to be the last day of school before the christmas holidays. It was not what I expected.

Today was supposed to be somewhat restful, comforting, peaceful.... It was not what I expected.

Today was painful. My kids are hurting and I realize that. I am hurting, for different reasons, but I realize that. I'm going to be honest, divorce is good and bad, but at the holidays???????

I got a call from the school, my son is hurting. I got an email earlier this week, my other son is hurting. I went to work last night... my daughter is hurting. But, this is life. All of the good things we have faced in the last year, all of the amazing blessings... they are somewhat diminished in the face of the pain of loss at the holidays. The kids are missing their family. I am missing my son. My daughter is missing her happy mom.

Yes, the holidays are difficult. I could listen to 1,000 men tell me I am beautiful and worth loving. I could hear 2,000 stories of how amazing I am and how wonderful my kids are... but, at the end of the day, we are here alone with our awesome, beautiful, amazingness. :)

I have not blogged in a while. I have not known what to say. How to explain what is happening in my head, in my heart? It is a confusing conundrum, a paradoxical paradox, I am happy. I know I made the right decision, I know I did the right thing. But, I look at my children... and how they are hurting. And, I hate it.

I wish that for today, I could make all the lines disappear from my oldest son's forehead. I wish I could make my youngest son's heart fee light. I wish I could erase the tears, and the years from my 3 year old daughter. But, I can't. Instead, I can focus on what God has given us... the blessings, the craziness, the laughter, the fun.

Tonight we are hurting. But, this is not the last night... and this is not the last song.

Let the tears flow...

October 28, 2009 my life changed forever. That is the day that my husband laid his hands on me violently for the very last time. I remember the day clearly. We were supposed to be leaving for the Fall Festival at our church. Tonight, he is taking the kids to the Fall Festival at that same church. It has been a year. Life looks so different now.

I sat down after the kids left to go with him tonight. I flipped through the channels and there was some channel that was playing christian music videos. I stopped and listened to a couple. Then a song by Nicole C. Mullens came on, One Touch. I almost flipped the channel, but I did not. I wish I was computer literate enough to know how to incorporate the Youtube versions of the song into this blog, but I am not. Instead, I will set the song up for you. I will say I could not find the music video version on Youtube yet. I did find versions of her singing the song. It is a beautiful song and of course, God knew, it was exactly what I needed today.

The video opens showing a street crowded with people, it gives us a snippet into their lives... and on each of their shirts or jacket is a word. The words range from  Forgotten, Rejected, Afraid, Unloved, Shame... to Addiction. It is a gamut of the issues that we face. As the song opens, she says...

Been ostracized for 12 years, I'm used to being alone. 

Spent everything I had, and now it's gone. 

I'm used to being put down, my issues tell it all. My only hope is anchored in this fall. 

If I could just touch the hem of his garment, I know I'd be made whole. 

If I could just press my way through this madness, his love would heal my soul

If only One touch. 

As I sat and listened to the song, at first I was just enjoying the message of the song. As she showed the snippets of video, one was a woman being abused by her husband. On her shirt were written the words SHAME. As I watched that woman walk through the street and then stop and reach up toward the sky... I began to cry. I am that woman. The rejection and fear and shame and brokenness, and alone-ness and all the rest of it... came bubbling up in my heart. I sit here in tears now... but, only because as the video continued the song says

 "and suddenly he turned around, and said, somebody has unleashed my power." 

I remember last year the confusion, the absolutely paralyzing fear. There is no way to describe the amount of fear, and yet knowing there is no other choice. You realize that this might be the one choice that completely does you in, and yet you know, this is the only choice left other than death. The whole fight or flight thing kicks in... You have to do this.

Over the last year, I have not failed. Through friends, family, the people that God surrounded me with kept me moving, and the very Heavenly Father that loves me. I am still surrounded. The danger is not over yet. But, I am each day getting stronger. I am less and less living in fear. More and more, I am ready for the next challenge. Yes, there are so many challenges... but, they are not as terrifying as they were. Each time that I make it through the next thing, I am getting one day closer to freedom.

Divorce does not provide freedom. It provides a measure of protection, but no freedom. My problems are not fixed by divorce, or even by what the law allows me. Where is the freedom? In His touch. My soul is healing. My heart is finding the freedom to speak out, to love, to feel, to cry, to question... but ultimately, my heart is getting stronger.

Why? Because, I reached out and touched the hem of his garment. He turned and looked at me. God looked down at me through His own tears, and He saw my sin, my pain, my weakness, and my need. Yet, He chose to press His way through my madness... and He chose to touch me. He is healing me. When no one else would touch me, when no one else would believe me... He said, I can make you whole. I can change you.

Today the tears flow. Tears of sorrow because I would have loved for our story to have a different ending. One that would have glorified God and His amazing ability to heal. But, my marriage is not what will be healed. Instead, I will focus on the God that has chosen to heal my heart. The God that has chosen to set me free from such immense pain and shame. Today tears of freedom flow... bittersweet tears, but, they are shed in freedom. I am no longer abused. I am no longer living in that shame. Today, I am becoming stronger. Today, my Father is touching me, His power is flowing in my life... and today I am a different person than I was. Yes, it has been painful and scary... but, I have not fallen apart. Today, I am stronger than I was a year ago. And, I am loved.

Life is the messy bits

My wildest dreams came true tonight... Yes, you heard me right... they came true. Tonight, while my boys wrestled upstairs, in fact two hours later, it still sounds like they might come through the ceiling any minute, despite repeated but ignored warnings to the contrary. While they did their best to dismantle my room, while watching football, my daughter and I had our first Girls Movie Night. My three year old snuggled up in the recliner, and I snuggled up in the other chair (have I mentioned that I am STILL making payments on my couch?) and we watched "Letters to Juliet" together. At one point she asked me why the lady was crying... did her mom or dad leave her... but that is a very different blog.

Anyway, as we watched this movie, that made me laugh and cry, there was a fabulous line that Vanessa Redgrave says... She says to her grandson, Charlie, "life is the messy bits." I fell in love with that line.

Life is the pain, the loss, the frustration, the fighting for what is worth fighting for... it is the mess.

This week I had to go to court again. I won. However, someone that understands more than I ever thought they would, figured it out. That person texted me this morning and said "It is bittersweet." Even though the Judge upheld what she had previously ordered... and even though she ordered. the person I faced in Court do the right thing... it was very bittersweet. I would give anything to not have to fight. I hate conflict. I hate broken relationships. It seems that they are all around me. I would so much rather get along, and just do the right thing for the sake of the children. But, this week, life was messy. I have been discouraged, I have been angry, I have been tired... I came close once again to giving up.

How does all of this work out biblically? Well, God said we would have trials and tribulation (trouble and mess). He promised that there would be difficulty, possibly persecution, and in some cases, even death... and yet, He promised to be with us in the midst of it all. Basically, "life is the messy bits, but I will help you with the clean up."

I had a conversation with my oldest son earlier this week... he said "Mom, the worst thing you can do right now is give up on your faith in God." I explained to him that I was not giving up on my faith, but I was talking to God about my anger and my disappointment. I told him, "It's the same as when I get angry with you, I am upset about what you did or did not do, I might even yell at you, but I NEVER, EVER stop loving you or give up on my relationship with you." God is like that. He can handle our honesty, our anger, our mess.

However, here is the amazing thing about the messy bits of life... without them we would not appreciate the beauty that we experience. As Claire, in the movie, realized... her love found was so much sweeter because of the love lost. The experience tonight with my daughter was so much sweeter because I had given up on ever having a daughter. And, her whole life has been so sweet because we all experienced the loss of her brother's life. The loss of my marriage and the husband that I wish I had married.... are real. But, one day, the sweetness of the right man, who loves me beyond measure will be that much sweeter. Let me just go out on a limb and tell you what else I have realized. The relationship I have with my Savior is made that much sweeter because I have had to wrestle through the fear, the pain, the desire to give up my beliefs. However, I have realized that He is true, He is real, He is here with me. He has not left me alone, He has not forgotten my children and I, and more than anything... HE SEES and HE CARES about the pain we are dealing with. Life is the messy bits.

So get out there, live out the dreams, face the despair, feel the loss, oh and don't forget to live the joy, the beauty, the love, and the gifts. It is so wonderful. Smile, feel the wind in your hair and realize you ARE LIVING. Thank God for the mess.

Worth Pursuing

I promised that I would explain the reason behind the name of this blog. I have not done so yet, so tonight I will take the time.

Early in my therapy my counselor encouraged me to begin to make a list of all the lies I had been told and had believed about myself. I started a list. Within an hour or so, I had come up with 50 lies that I had chosen to buy into about myself. There was one that I knew I had felt more than one person tell me. One weekend, my kids were visiting their father. I had some downtime, and was able to read my book, The Sacred Romance. In it there is a section in which John Eldredge discusses Arrows that we are wounded by that mainly come from the enemy of our souls. We were encouraged to journal about some of the Arrows that have wounded us in our past. So, I dutifully got out my journal, my pen, and sat there in silence and tried to think of the worst wounds. Almost immediately, that one lie came back to my mind. The lie, you ask? It was this...

YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT

I will share just a tiny portion of this part of my journal with you... This is from March, 2010. 

Arrows: 

1. You're not enough

2. You're not worth the effort or the sacrifice

3. I don't love you

4. You are not beautiful or captivating

5. I must take care of myself. 

These lies landed at the core of my soul. I have closed my heart to intimacy - I have allowed myself to become a sexual being with no strings attached (that is the only way to continue to have intimacy with the person that hurts you.) And yet, my heart had strings attached. I have not allowed myself to be beautiful on the inside - I have always kept a protective barrier. 

Yet on March, 13, 2010 I wrote these words... "My heart knows that I am made for noble and beautiful things. What are they?"

This was in early afternoon on a Saturday. I took the time to write out my thoughts a bit more, then I spent some time praying about this pain that I had bought into. Later that evening I was in a relaxed, soft place in my heart... just enjoying my day, my time alone and my time with God. I decided to sit down at my computer and check my emails. While there, as I often do, I put on my itunes and was going to shuffle my songs. As the consummate multitasker, I opened up my gmail, then I opened up my itunes. Looked at the emails, which ones look the most fun... open those first. Glance over at my itunes list, the genius bar thingy listed some songs that I might like based on music I had purchased. Start clicking on the emails I will automatically delete... realize that something on my Genius bar had caught my attention... look back. There it was. A song called "Worth Pursuing" by one of my favorite christian singers. Laura Rhinehart. I giggled a little, and then started to listen to the song, you know the 3 second blip that itunes gives you. Then I had to google the lyrics. Once again, God had spoken to my heart. I mean, like, in the way that only God can. The kind of speaking that is not loud, not earth shattering, but when you listen, you realize that He just completely rearranged your world and something inside you just shifted because you knew God had just touched it. I will post the lyrics for you. Let me just say, I am posting these without permission... hopefully God and Laura can forgive me. This song is written as if God were singing it to me directly. 

I saw you as a little girl and you were in this room, all alone

And you wanted to be found, but no one came to find you.

But this is your time now, this is your day

Cause that little girl inside of you is what makes my heart ache

You are my love, You're worth pursuing

You are my love, You're worth pursuing

I'm finding you right now, right now I am finding you.

 And I'm taking you by the hand and I'm leading you out - into a new place

And forever that place that kept you in, forever that place that held you in

forever that place, forever that place will be shut off

And you're not going to have fear anymore

You're not going to fear being alone anymore

You're not going to fear because it's being swallowed up in my love for you, in my passion for you

I'm so taken by you

And I'm going to restore all your years

I'm going to restore every tear

You will know my joy, You will know my smile

You will know my dance, cause I am going to show you off

I'm so proud of you, and it's time for you to know it

You're so beautiful to me, You're so beautiful to me

As I listened to this song, over and over (of course I bought it) I first laughed. It was absolutely delightful to get such a quick and strong message from my Father. But, just as suddenly, my laughter turned to tears. I realized that He had seen me, He had heard me. He had chosen to touch the deepest fear I had, the longest seated lie I had believed. For weeks, I listened to that song, just trying to absorb the message. 

This is something I am still trying to grapple with. I know, in my head, that I am worth loving, pursuing, that I am worth all of the beauty that God shows me, all of the grace, mercy, and gifts. Yet, my heart, still struggles not to believe the lie. I see it in practical ways. When I assume that every problem that comes up requires me to figure it out. I am choosing to believe that I can do it better than God. When I am hurting, and lonely, I tend to think it is because I am not lovable... and the truth is... I am loved. I am loved deeply, truly, by so many people. When I fall into the trap of not realizing that I am beautiful in my soul, I am choosing not to believe that I am worth seeing the beauty in me. 

My name is Beka, this is my journey. It will take time... it will take a lot of work, but, I will say this... I am finally worth it. And one day, I will know this in my heart as much as in my head. One day I will see that I am worth all the struggle, the fighting for healing... and one day, I will give my worthy heart to someone and I will see the worth inside of him. But, for today, I am worth it simply because I am made in the image of a heavenly creator. 

See me

This evening my son and I watched part of a movie that was on T.V. I do not remember the name of the movie, it was one of those teen movies... but, the premise was, the captain of the football team told girls whatever he thought they wanted to hear to get the girls to fall for him. So some of his past "loves" decide to make him suffer. There was a line in the movie where the girl that what"s-his-name ultimately fell for, is talking to her mom. Girl opens up to mom about her feelings... and says "I felt invisible for so long, I was willing to do anything for someone to see me, I changed who I really am." (If you know what movie I am quoting, please forgive me if I just butchered the whole thing).

How many times have you felt invisible? I have felt that way a lot (I wonder what I will be talking about in therapy tomorrow?) I felt that way through my marriage. With each act of abuse or word of degradation. When I managed to lose myself as a young mom. I have felt that way as a teenager. I was just not a pretty girl. I am so thankful that God has helped me "grow into my face" as one of my friends so lovingly put it. When I would watch other girls garner the attention from boys, peers, teachers... I felt invisible. It is a feeling that I am no stranger to at several stages in my life.

When do you feel invisible? How do you try to show that you exist? Is it your career? Your marriage? Your kids? Your volunteer activities? Your church involvement?

Do you allow yourself to be more sexual? Or do you try to hide your beauty because you wish you had been invisible but someone noticed you and hurt you? Do you act like you are tough and nothing bothers you? Or do you deny your feelings at all so that you don't make others feel uncomfortable? What part of the real you are you hiding? What ways do you act or behave that you know deep down are not really you... but you will do anything to have someone notice you and validate you?

I love Grey's Anatomy. I mean, I am one of those crazy follower types. There is a line from one of the earlier shows that I have never forgotten. Meredith looks at Derek as they are having a possible relationship-ending discussion. With complete vulnerability she looks at him and pleads... "See me - love me" She was pleading with him to not be invisible. She was pleading with him to look past the surface and see her soul, and find her beautiful and worth loving. It has not left my mind because it struck me so deeply. I feel like saying that sometimes. I wanted to say that to my husband. (I think I might have actually quoted it once in a discussion a year or so later). I want to say that even in certain situations now. Look at me, I am not just a statistic. I am not just a minority, I am not just a woman, or just a mom, or just a ______________ (you fill in the blank)

How do I combat this?  This is one of those issues that affects all of us. It affects our children. That is why it is important for me to examine this now. Besides my commitment to becoming a healthier person,  my kids need me to see them. They need to know that they are not invisible. Let's face it, how many times as a mom have your kids said "Mom, watch this." They are looking for the same validation and visibility that we as women and men are looking for. What do I need to come to grips with so that I can help my children realize they are noticed, and that they do not have to create an alternate persona just to be noticed by others. How do I let down my guards and my walls and my protections so that others can see the real me?

I don't have all the answers. I will be very honest about that part. I am still working through all of this in my mind. (Please see previous comment about tomorrow's therapy appointment).

Here is what I do know. I want people to know the real me. The only way someone can truly accept who I am, is if I have shown them who I really am. The real me... the quirky, the crazy, the funny, the deep, the thoughtful, the spiritual, all of the parts of me. I will continue to wonder if I am really accepted if I hide who I am. But, I also know this. God sees me. I am not invisible to Him. Honestly, this is something I have had to face over the last few months. I realized that there are so many moments in my life where I assumed that things were not going well, simply because God did not see me. But, that is not true. He created me just the way He wanted me to be. Yes, environment, genetics, and experiences shape us. But, the person that I am, the real me, that is who God made. He thinks I am beautiful. He sees my heart, my hurt, my hopes, my secrets, my shame, my lies, my truth, my dreams, my future. But, when He looks at me He does not see my brokenness. He sees that I am made perfect in Him, through what His son did on the cross for me. He allows the freedom, through that, for me to be exactly who He wants me to be.

Take a moment and answer some of the questions I have asked in this rather lengthy blog. I know I have been thinking about these things all evening. Yes, I still look at people to make me feel visible. Yes, I would love for a man to see me... love me. But, more than anything, I want to really, truly come to grips with the truth that God already sees me. I want to find the freedom from invisibility and be able to be me and be peaceful at the same time. I don't want to fear that I am not worth seeing, pursuing, loving. I want to be able to give love and acceptance to others out of the love and acceptance I have grasped.