Power of words

This morning I logged into facebook and one of my friends had the following as her status "If you "like" this status, I will post something on your wall I like about you, no matter what. Even if we barely know each other or you think it'll be awkward! Make this as your status too if you want a challenge---- why not?"  
So of course, I "liked" her status, then I reposted that as my status. I am now up to about 10 people that I have gotten to say something nice to. I also have had a couple of people say something nice to me. At the same time, I have had to deal in email form with someone that is difficult to communicate with. This person spent years shredding me to pieces with their mouth. Everything about my personhood, my character, my personality, my looks was criticized. With a few well placed words I was reduced to a mess. As I have been dealing with two such extremes today, I started to think. Our words have so much power. We can make someone's day with a well spoken couple of words. We can rip the rug out from under someone with some poorly spoken sentences. In Proverbs 18 we are told that death and life are in the power of the tongue. Not to be cheeky, but God knew what He was talking about, or maybe He created it that way. 
Why do we hold back on saying something nice to someone? What are we hurting or helping by not being open with others. Yes, there are difficult things to be said at times. Let's face it, life is real and sometimes it stinks and there are the difficult and painful conversations to be had. I am not saying let's all live in denial about reality. But, even when you are having a conflict with someone... is it hurting anything to do it in a way that shows respect for their personhood? What happens when we really, truly tell someone what we love or just like about them? Could you imagine what your day would be like if you left the house having said something nice to the people you love... you go to work, or school, or errands, whatever your day holds... knowing that you gave them a smile that they take with them all day. For each frustrating email, phone call, difficulty at work, homework assignment, whatever your day holds, let's just imagine that all throughout your day someone would say something to you that made you smile, or just lightened your mood for a second. All of the sudden the reality of life is not as hard to face. Then let's just imagine for a second that you come home, maybe you are slightly discouraged, tired, even (gasp) grumpy. Yet, you are greeted by people that can't wait to see you, they can't wait to say something to you that helps your burdened day feel a bit lighter. They are so willing to give a kind word or smile to you, because you already did that for them. How does that change your day? your mood? your reality? 
Does this all sound to "pollyanna"? I am not talking about the ridiculous, overly sappy, exaggerated kind of speech. Just think about giving more positive to those around you than negative. It does not cost me, hurt me or take my energy to say something nice to someone. Yet, the smile that they get, or the warm feeling that they get, that just makes my day. Now, just for the record, I can have a sharp tongue. People have told me that I am witty... that is the positive... the negative side of that is, sometimes I can say something that slices and dices without thinking it through. I need to work on that.
I think I really want to be able to give with an open heart, whether my words, actions, or even my thoughts. I really want to be a positive influence in someone's day. It is not always easy. People can difficult, sometimes they are just a real pain in the you know what... but, I want to try. I really like the way I have felt today when I have told ten people (thirteen including my children) something I like about them. I wonder if those people liked being told what makes them special?

Journal entry 6/18/10

Tonight I am exhausted. It is not a physical tiredness, although that is there. I am emotionally worn out. I am spiritually wasted.
This week has been wave after wave of mess. About the time I thought I could handle the wave, and "feel", something else would happen.
I have been terrified this week and had to re-trust God. I have had to deal with normal problems and crazy abnormal problems. I have done all of that. At no point this week did I give up, revert back to learned helplessness. I knew who to call to help with the next problem. But, so many issues this week. I am empty.
There were some good things that happened this week, but right this second, they are not dominant.
Underlying the busy-ness and emotional roller coaster is a loneliness that I became aware of. I will try and describe it.
When you are single and raising children, the weight of everything is on your shoulders. Now, hopefully, even divorced parents can work together for the sake of their children, but let's face it... that is not my reality. All of the decisions, all of the problems, even the fun is my responsibility. If there is emotional drama... you still have a house to clean and children to feed and listen to.
But more than just not having hands to help with the work, it's deeper. I was codependent in my marriage. I was sure I could not survive without him. Now, I see I can survive and even thrive. But at the end of the night, when I go to bed, there is no one else. There are no words of encouragement, no sweet kisses to remind me this will pass. No arms around me to let me know I am not alone, or at least hold me together when I fall apart.
I know God is here, waiting to be my strength, my peace, my comforter. I know if I will simply trust Him with my heart, He will heal and make me stronger. He will protect and love me better than any other man.
For tonight though, I will feel the ache of loneliness, I will let my heart break from the onslaught this week has brought. I will let the tears fall, and I will finally admit... I am weak, I am tired, I am frightened. Even in this though, I know who to run to. I am lonely and sad and broken tonight, but I will remember that my crying is for tonight. I am promised that joy comes in the morning. I just hope it literally (and not figuratively) means tomorrow morning.
Nehemiah 8:10... The joy of the Lord is your strength...
So, bring it on.

Overwhelmed

This will be my shortest blog yet. (You didn't know that was possible did you?) I just want to say, I have been overwhelmed by the encouragement I have received on my latest posting. But, even more so, I have been amazed by the private messages and emails from people (men and women) telling me that something that I said has given them the courage to face certain relationships in their lives that are painful and need to change. I will say, quite happily for me, none of these have actually been with a marriage partner.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support and encouragement to keep talking. This is an issue that I am passionate about, to the core of my being. I thank God that I have the freedom (and I might as well thank all the soldiers that are fighting for that freedom) to speak out. I thank God that Dawn encouraged me to start this blog and that already it is making a difference, people are stopping to think, and engage on this topic of domestic violence.

My whole blog will not always be about abuse. I am also going to chronicle the painful parts of divorce. This is something that no one should choose unless they have very good reason. I can say that I examined every angle, counted every cost I could think of, and prayed at every step before I made the decision I made. Ultimately, the issue was forced and I was left with no other option. But, I had thought it through and prior to the final act of violence, had made the decision to keep trying to work out the other issues in our marriage. AND YET, there are costs that I did not even know I had to count, there is pain that I did not have any way to anticipate. There is also, and incredible amount of good that has happened and is happening. This will be a blog about healing, about forgiveness, grace, freedom, life, and as always, there will be a lot of smiling.

Thanks for walking this road with me. I am truly honored to have you here.

Truth and myths

So, I received an anonymous comment on my blog. It is there for everyone to see, but I thought that I would address it. I must say, I have had two weeks to think about it, due to my forced silence (thank you again AT&T)


"Beka, As curious as I am about all you've been through and your personal journey, I fear you will regret making this such a public forum. Before more private details are devulged, I'm worried that the public nature of your blog is a further breech of your children's privacy and their childhood. Haven't they been through enough already?
I fully support your decision to blog, but could you not reap the same benefit blogging anonymously? Why do this publically? Love to you and yours... "


Now, on the one hand, this is a completely honest comment. It did indeed cause me to stop and think about what I am doing and saying. I also think this comment reveals a lot about the issue of domestic violence and the lies and secrets that are kept that people do not understand even now. I think that there is a great deal of naivete in the premise of this person's concern. Not sure what I mean? Well, let me explain. 
First (I will take this in order of statement), for those who really know me, you have probably figured out that there is very little that I hold back. I am pretty open... and yet, how many who knew me had any idea what was going inside my house and my marriage? This reveals so much of why I am choosing to speak out in a public forum. I have had so many women confess to me that they are either currently in an abusive relationship or have been and had the courage to leave. They have told me this because I have been open about what I have experienced. They have said that they have not told anyone else. They are confused, hurting physically, emotionally, spiritually. They are afraid... and for the ones that had the strength and courage to leave the relationship, they are just relieved, but not sure anyone would really believe what they experienced. Did you know that 1 in 4 women are abused in some form in their relationship with their significant other? That is a lot of women that are struggling, Did you know that for many of those women they will suffer in silence? That breaks my heart personally. I know what it is to suffer in silence. For 6 very long years I did not tell a soul what was happening to me. It was not until my abuser told me he was going to kill me and described exactly how he would do it, that I was able to realize I had to tell someone. I was terrified and could no longer handle everything on my own. The stigma of admitting that you have been a victim to violence at the hands of the person you love is humiliating. I want to speak out. I want women who might be suffering this pain in silence and fear to know that they are not the only one. That abuse is not confined to the non-christian, the low income, the unintelligent. 
     As for my children's privacy and their childhood? Well, that has already been affected. They are suffering and will suffer the ramifications of what happened between their father and I for the rest of their lives. I am paying thousands of dollars for their therapy and my own... because we are all suffering. The day that I had to look at each of my children in the eye, separately and when the time came and they were ready and apologize to them for teaching them to keep secrets, for modeling for them how to stuff fear and pain and put on a front... was one of the worst days of my life. To realize that I had not modeled for them appropriate boundaries and proper self-respect, broke my heart. I hurt my babies as much as anything their father did to me. I had to take responsibility for that. My children have suffered greatly. They are fully aware of what was happening in our house. They saw more than even I realized. There is nothing I can do to take that away from them... but, I can begin to live differently. They have supported me so far in telling my story. They are aware of how hard we are all having to work to deal with the fallout from what has happened in our home and in our lives. They are not interested in reading my blog now, because frankly, I am the mom and that is how kids are. However, they know that I have chosen to open my mouth up about what has happened, and that I want to help others who might be suffering. They, too, do not want to see other families suffer and not know that there is help, there is an alternative, and that God is stronger than even the biggest abuser. 
     It is painful and humiliating at times to talk about what I have been through. It is even sadder to think that there is a woman or a child suffering that could be helped. I will not hide the freedom I have been given, and I will never back down from sharing my life openly... and if God can use my voice and my experience to help others... then I am here. 
     In the meantime, I will continue to pray for myself and my children and their father. I will continue to work on helping my children heal, and work towards my own healing. The true healer of my soul is God but I made decisions and choices that led to the brokenness in our lives, and I must work towards making new choices and learn new ways of behaving. But, I will do it out in the open. AND MAYBE, just maybe, God can use this for His glory. 

In the aftermath...

So, I have had a little time to process what happened at our FINAL final hearing on Monday. Yesterday, I was just kind of numb. By the end of the day, reality had started to sink in just a little. Today, I feel amazing.

I had no idea I could feel like this again. I feel like my life has been given back to me. These past 8 months have been such a journey. I remember the complete terror I felt when I made my final decision. I knew the statistics on what happens when someone actually tries to leave her abuser. I did not really know what to expect from him. I remember for about a month or so, I felt like I could not breathe. I could not even imagine what was going to happen in the next few months. I could not envision freedom. All I knew was I HAD to take this step, as terrifying as it was. My children and I deserved more.

I remember the nights of not sleeping, the anxiety attacks that seemed to hold me hostage and intensify my fear. I remember also the new habits I learned to counteract my fear. The day that my therapist did some guided imagery with me. I went from not being able to sit still and breathe properly... to imagining myself running to Jesus (on the beach) and He held me in His arms. He told me how much He loved me. By the time it was done, I was completely calm, strengthened. And, from that point on, I was able to sleep without medicine to help.

I remember each time that I had no idea where to turn, how to handle the next situation.... someone would come along and help. The day that I filed the TPO (Temporary Protection Order) I remember thinking, I don't know how to navigate this. I have no idea what to do, I don't know who to turn to. Each day, God provided the right friend, the right encouragement, the right therapist for me and the right therapist for my children, and just as importantly, God provided the perfect lawyer. Each step of this journey I have not taken alone. As I began to open up and tell others what my home life had been like (only a couple of people knew even part of the truth) I met friends who had experienced some of the pain I had experienced. All of the sudden more of my friend's than I cared to admit told me their story of the marriage they left, and how God had helped them.

Today, the memories of the last 8 months are flooding my mind. Each friend, each prayer, each song, each email or text that encouraged me and kept me moving forward. Were there days when I felt like I could not keep fighting? Yes. I felt so often like David going up against the giant, Goliath. Yet, along the way, God stepped in, in sometimes miraculous ways, and reminded me that it was just a man, and that man was not bigger than God.

So, here I am. This chapter has ended. Reality has started to sink in. I am free. I feel like thousands of pounds have fallen off my shoulders. I feel like I have been given back years of my life. I feel so much excitement at what the future holds. Will there be tough moments? Absolutely. Will there be hard days? Ummm, Yes. Will I have regrets? I don't think so. When I look at the picture of his finger marks on my neck... or when I remember the times of him choking me and starting to black out and the fear that he would end my life and who would raise my children? No, I don't think I will have regrets. When I remember the shame and humiliation of his words and actions.... No, I don't think I will have regrets.

Someday, I hope God brings a man into my life who will love me deeply, truly, tenderly. I hope that my children get to see what it looks like when a man really loves his wife. Someday, I hope I get to help another woman that is where I have been. I hope that I can be the friend, the encourager, the help that she needs. Because I have walked that road, and I did not walk it alone. I want to help others not walk that road alone.

Proverbs 29 mentions that the earth cannot bear up under a married woman who is unloved. That is how I felt. I wanted his love, I craved his love. But, it was not there. Today, I feel loved. Not by a man, but, by my Lord, my family, my friends. Life has been restored to me. Joy has been restored to me. Hope and excitement and even pleasure have been restored. I am beginning to feel again. For today, I will let myself feel the absolute, unadulterated joy and pleasure that I get to live.

Feelings

So, my therapist has been working with me on breaking through and actually letting my feelings happen. I have stuffed (for those of you who do not live in the counseling world, that means I push my feelings down, ignore them, do not deal with them properly, and then all of the emotions come out at very odd moments in some odd ways). Can I just tell you, the war between actually beginning to let go and feel and to keep doing it the way you have been doing it... well, that is quite a struggle.

Turns out this week, I am actually angry. (Again, apparently, I am now beginning to feel and will need to grieve some things I thought I had already worked through). In fact, I am really angry. I am angry at the man that broke my heart. I am angry that I wasted years of my life waiting and hoping he would become the person I thought he was, the person I believed him to be. I am angry that so much was taken from me. My dreams and my plans. In my dreams, we would find a way to become the people that God intended. We would both choose to love and not be selfish, to give and not take... and in so doing, we would see amazing things that could happen to benefit the world around us. We would hold hands at the weddings of our children and remember fondly all the years of their childhood. We would laugh together at the cute things our grandchildren would do one day. We would grow old together, we would take care of each other through health and sickness. We would look back and laugh at the difficult times, because they had not been able to tear us apart. We would love the God who changed us and made us better people.

Instead, that is not reality. Reality is, one man decided that I was not worth pursuing. He chose to pursue other people and things... reality is, I was forced to make a decision that I never wanted to make. I HATE THE REALITY SOMETIMES.

Has good come out of my choices already? Absolutely. Has pain and suffering come out of my choices? Yes. But, healing of my body, mind and soul are happening. Healing for my children is happening. We are together learning a new way of living. We are learning how to have real, open, honest communication. We are learning how to love, what love looks like and feels like even on a difficult day. We are learning how to express ourselves, and not hide from our pain. So, yes, good things are happening, good things are going to come to us. But for today, as I look at the dreams that I have to let go of, the hopes and plans for my children (which did not include bouncing back and forth between two parents), I grieve. I feel my anger, I feel my hurt, my pain, my rejection... and at some point today I will choose to let it go... I will ask God to apply more grace to my heart. I will thank God for the mercy that brought me out of the hell I was living in. But, I will also pray that tomorrow I wake up with more strength. I will look forward to the new dreams and hopes and plans that will come. I will be open and wait to see what happens, I will not live shut down anymore. I will try not to eat sweets to make my heart feel better either. (Just had to throw that one in there).

Today, it is a roller coaster... I am on that slow upward climb, there is anticipation, fear, joy, the feeling that you are about to have no control whatsoever... and I will look forward to reaching the top of this particular loop of the roller coaster... and maybe in a day or two, I will feel the pure joy of letting go and flying down the hill. I will feel the wind in my hair, the smile on my face will be from ear to ear... and I will laugh, because it is worth the climb up, to fly back down.

I survived it...

Ha. You thought this was going to be a deep, moving blog didn't you? NOT...

Let me just tell you what I survived. Last night my daughter, Ella, kept saying she did not "feel dood." Now, you must know that Ella might be one of the youngest hypochondriacs I know. If anyone else has a headache, tummy ache, backache, or any kind of ache... so does Ella. It has been cause for much laughter when she comes up with whatever new ailment she heard someone mention. Well, Curt was not feeling good last night either (his exact words "I don't feel good"). So, I assumed Ella was just parroting. Hmm, I assumed wrongly. About 11:30 last night she started vomiting. Which means... I started gagging and dry heaving (thank God for diets which keep less food in your stomach.) Why would I do such a thing? because I am a sympathetic vomiter. Apparently my body believes nobody should vomit alone. Yup... it is one of those nice things I do for people. Ella managed to get her lovely puke all over my freshly laundered bedding, herself, her blankie, pretty much everywhere. So, at midnight, there I am, starting laundry, holding a crying child, dry heaving myself... and being the mom. At some point though I started to giggle. Why you ask? I will tell you, I started to giggle because this was one of my greatest fears in becoming a single mom. I have always been terrified of my children vomiting. I can handle the blood, the guts, the broken bones... even the dirty diapers... all the gross stuff that kids bring. I HATE vomit (because of aforementioned empathy on my part). Here I was, surviving it. I did not actually vomit myself (usually I do). I was able to get the laundry going, I was able to take care of all that had to be taken care of. I DID IT. 

A couple of weeks ago I fixed my dryer by myself. You heard me, BY MYSELF. It all started when some laundry had fallen behind the dryer. In trying to get that out (so glad no one took a picture of that), I knocked the pipe/tube thing that connects the dryer to the wall. Immediately I called my dad. I mean who else do you call right? He came over... told me it was worse than I thought. I would need a whole new tube because somehow the original one had gotten kinked, bent, messed up somehow. He told me what to get at Home Depot and how to attach it. So, I went to the place that I never shop at alone (unless I am buying paint or gardening supplies.) The very nice man, Oscar, told me what to get and what to do when I got home. Funny, he said the same thing my dad did. I went home, pulled the dryer out, immediately started cleaning and was so glad no repair man was there to see all the dirt and dust. Then, bit by frustrating bit, with several phone calls to a friend to talk me through what I was supposed to be doing, I fixed the dryer by myself. Can I just tell you? My dryer works even better now than it did. I was having to dry loads twice and was convinced I would need a new dryer. Not anymore. Apparently a kink or a bend in those tube thingy's makes a big difference in the effectiveness of that particular appliance.  That was another big fear. What if things break and I can't handle them? I know, I know... I can hear sane women all over the place fussing at me. But, let me tell you just a little more.

It is a principle called Learned Helplessness. For more years than I want to remember I was told that I could not do anything right, that I did not know how to think logically, that I could not handle even the little things. Literally... those and many others were the words that were used. Over the years, it tore me down and I really began to believe that I could not take care of myself and my children without the one man that could stand me. I began to believe I had no other choices. It is a scary place to be... to believe that you cannot live without someone that may or may not stick around... and that person reminds you often that they don't really love you, they are just honoring the commitment they made, but, in reality, you have totally ruined that person's life and chance at real happiness.  It stinks to live in that place. But, I ended up there. Now, I am college educated, I am reasonably intelligent, I have a lot going for me in a couple of areas... but, I truly began to believe that I could not live without one person. Fear held me back from looking at my choices. (There will be another blog later on the power of our words)... but, thanks to a wonderful therapist who has been confronting me on my issues... I now see what has been happening. AND, I see that I have choices. Not only that, but as I face little and big things that I was afraid of, and I survive it, and I don't buckle under the pressure, I am finding that I can do infinitely more than I ever thought I could. It is exciting. All of the sudden I feel like the whole world has opened up before me. There are so many things I can try, I might succeed. Do I still fall into the trap of thinking that I am helpless... sometimes, yes. But, it is less and less as bit by bit I am conquering the things I was afraid of. 

Oh, and I have also found out I don't have to do stuff alone. There are family and friends that are willing to help... but, they are also willing to encourage me that I can do this. They do not have to sweep in and save the day... they can talk me through while I learn how to solve something on my own. It is one of the greatest gifts I have been given. That day that my dad told me how to fix it... was even better than fixing it for me. He affirmed his belief in me... WOW.